Thus, I decided to recalculate things. Instead of focusing just on movie ratings and my gut instinct, I analyzed each film’s entertainment value, storytelling prowess, craftsmanship, and perhaps most importantly, whether or not a film truly resonates with me. The results have been surprising, but I got to admit, it makes for a list that I can truly call definitive.
Before I divulge into talking about my faves, I’ve also taken the liberty of looking at the bottom of the list, to create a top 100 list of least favorite movies. These are movies that barely entertain (those that achieve a good entertainment score are often entertaining for all the wrong reasons), have terrible stories, and show poor craftsmanship. It’s pretty darn incredible to think that I’ve managed to sit through all of these, and it’s a little disconcerting that I actually own some of these. A few are highly-regarded, but I’ve never been one to allow acclaim and prestige to skew my opinions; whether it’s a polished arthouse work, a multi-million-dollar blockbuster, or something made in a dude’s back yard...if it rubbed me the wrong way, it made the list. Chances are good that my opinion could be totally changed on some of these, but at the time of this writing, this list is definitive (and most of these films are really bad).
So, without further ado, here it is…Al’s Top 100 Worst Movies:
100: Inland Empire
Three letters define this film...WTF?!! |
This movie makes it at the very brink of the list because it is easily the weirdest film I’ve ever seen. And yes, it is weirder than Eraserhead. In fact, both films are made by the same director: David Lynch. Eraserhead is a so weird and memorable of a trip that it manages to come off as a work of brilliance in its own twisted way; Inland Empire is more like an epic convoluted mess. It runs for three hours, and is loaded up with scenes that make very little sense (including numerous scenes in which a family of bunny rabbits sit in a living room). Those who are artistically inclined will likely draw solid interpretations and theories from the film, and may even declare it a masterpiece in its own right. As for myself, I’m left wondering “what the Hell was that?!”
Entertainment: Marginal | Story: Poor | Film: Average | Resonance: Marginal
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99: Eat, Pray, Love
Naturally, romance movies aren’t my forte. Most fall in the vast gray area in between being “good” and “bad.” But this one makes the list because I have an exceptional abhorrence towards it. For the most part, I feel that the main character is a flake; she goes through the motions of finding enlightenment of sorts, but her international journey comes off as a contrived and shallow effort. Without learning or understanding anything, it’s just a movie about a dippy woman who travels, eats a lot, talks to people, finds a cool dude, falls in love, and that’s it. Come to think of it, that’s much of a story, is it? The best that can be said is that the film looks pretty.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Good | Resonance: Very Low
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98: Jaws: The Revenge
Stalk much? |
Funnily enough, this is not the only movie on the list involving sharks…
Entertainment: Average | Story: Average | Film: Average | Resonance: None
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97: Behind Enemy Lines
Run away from the film! RUN!!! |
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Quite Poor | Resonance: Low
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96: Halloween: Resurrection
I’ve never been wholly fond of the Halloween movies to start with; I find the first one rather dull, and actually prefer the second, third, and fourth ones instead. Number five was somewhat entertaining; I don’t care for number six; H20 looks slick, but I don’t care for it that much. So, Halloween: Resurrection is the eighth in the series; it pits Michael Meyers against a group of kids with cameras. That means the film itself is shot from the point-of-view from those cameras, giving the film that same shakey and erratic hand-held charm that went into the Blair Witch Project. The story for this is extremely thin, and the characters tend to be quite stupid. Thus, the film proves to be only marginally entertaining (and certainly not scary).
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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95: Dragonball: Evolution
Hollywood’s attempt to bring the popular anime series to the big screen resulted in a film that’s all style and no substance…as usual. I still haven’t seen the original DBZ, but I keep hearing good things about it, and this movie makes a butchery out of it. The story? It has something to do with a kid getting all superpowered and stopping a green bad guy from doing evil stuff. The film? Rather cheap and cheesy. Does it entertain? Somewhat, but interested parties can probably do better with the original Japanese cartoon.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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94: Rebirth of Mothra II
The first Rebirth of Mothra film is so stupid, so cheap, so awful in its execution, it makes me laugh for the whole two hours, turning it into one of the most unintentionally funny films of all time. I think that’s the only reason why it didn’t make this list, but its sequel did. This sequel sets out to be a little more earnest, but winds up being less entertaining or memorable that way. At this point, all I remember about it is the big, fluffy, fake-looking moth, and a bunch of people running around some pyramids or something. Chances are that kids might dig this material, but I seriously don’t recommend either Rebirth of Mothra films.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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93: Twin Daggers
A moderately entertaining martial arts action flick, but of a rather poor quality. I don’t really remember the story for this, but I do remember that the fight scenes, and most setpieces, are quite cheap and cheesy.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Low
92: Hologram Man
This could be the most entertaining film on this list; it’s loaded up with lots of shootouts and fights and stuff! However, this film is as cheap as they come, especially in regards to its special effects. The story for this is quite absurd. Like a hologram, it’s fun, but lacking in solid substance.
Entertainment: Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Awful | Resonance: Marginal
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91: Scary Movie 2
The bird's cute...until it starts defecating on the walls for no reason... |
Entertainment: Average | Story: Very Poor | Film: Marginal | Resonance: Marginal
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90: Creepshow 3
Your face after watching this movie. |
Entertainment: Average | Stories: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Marginal
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89: Jade Warrior
Interestingly, this is a Finnish film about Chinese warriors and stuff. The film does have its nice, visual moments, and the story tries its best to create a good narrative structure. Unfortunately, the movie fails to really capture interest, especially since there are myriads of better epics out there.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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88: Ocean’s Eleven (1960)
This original caper has all the star power and tries its best to be snazzy. Back in the day, it probably was. These days, it’s fallen in the shadow of Stephen Soderbergh’s hip and stylish remake, which blows all this out of the water. Even on its own merits, the original Ocean’s 11 is not really all that thrilling, and I couldn’t care less about its story or craftsmanship.
Entertainment: Poor | Story: Average | Film: Average | Very Low
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87: Manchurian Candidate (2004)
I believe in Harvey Dent. ...oops, wrong movie... |
Entertainment: Poor | Story: Average | Film: Average | Resonance: Very Low
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86: The Doomsday Machine
Spacemen travel in style! |
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Awful | Resonance: Marginal
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85: Cloverfield
The one and only cool scene in the movie. |
Entertainment: Average | Story: Average | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Low
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84: The People That Time Forgot
The one and only cool place in the movie. |
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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83: Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon
You know, after seeing so many historical epics coming out of Asia, they all start to run together. I don’t even remember what’s so great about this movie, much less what could set it apart from Mulan, Red Cliff, War of the Arrows, Warlords, that Genghis Kahn movie, or God knows what else. Mildly entertaining, but utterly forgettable.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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82: Kull the Conqueror
That’s right, Kevin Sorbo, the dude who once played Hercules, starred in his very own fantasy epic. He tried his best to best the machismo of Conan the Barbarian, but he resulted in making a movie out of nothing but cheese. I can’t say I remember the plot, and I certainly couldn’t tell you if it really matters or not. That’s just how memorable this schlock is.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Average| Resonance: None
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81: Scary Movie 4
You know, I actually found this one (along with #3) way funnier than the first two Scary Movie movies. That doesn’t mean it’s really that great. This storyline pretty much rehashes the exact same formula of Scary Movie 3, and just swaps out the movies and pop culture references that the movie parodied. The result: a movie that looks and acts the part, but is dumber than dirt.
Entertainment: Good | Story: Awful | Film: Average | Resonance: Very Low
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80: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Watching this movie makes me scream and shoot lightning from my hands, just like this! |
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Very Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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To be continued...
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