Part 2
39: Domino
Somebody needed to put a leash on Tony Scott’s style. It was bad enough watching Man on Fire with
all its herky-jerky camera work, flashy editing, and gigantic subtitles taking
up the screen. Domino took all that
and intensified it, turning the movie into an erratic mess. Even if you can look past the slick veneer of
Scott’s aesthetics, the story is pretty uninteresting, and the character is
totally unlikable. For the most part,
the style of the film got in the way (giant moving subtitles when they aren’t
even needed…seriously?!).
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film:
Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
38: Hell’s Heroes
I barely even remember this war flick, but on DVD, it’s
advertised as the sequel for the 1978 film Inglorious Bastards (the influence
to Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, although this original film is so cheesy
and absurd that it’s hilarious). Hell’s
Heroes shares the same spirit, and it does showcase plenty of shootouts and
explosions and things. Story is weak,
the film looks bad, and it is overall quite forgettable.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film:
Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
37: The Toolbox Murders (1978)
If this movie is memorable for anything, it’d be for the
scene with the woman in the bathtub.
Otherwise, it’s just another bland, generic, ugly-looking slasher
film. Not much of a plot, not much of a
film.
Entertainment: Marginal | Story: Poor | Film:
Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
36: Airborne (1998)
Steve Guttenberg stars as the main action hero! Stop and let
that sink in…Steve Guttenberg, of the Police Academy fame, playing a hotshot
spy. Every time he spoke, even the
simplest of lines, I just couldn’t stop laughing! That’s how bad he was! Don’t
even get me started about the stupid story (rendered completely pointless by an
incredibly stupid plot twist at the end), or the cheapness of the entire
film. The only real saving grace here
are the performances of Sean Bean and Colm Feore, who manage to make the best
out of the crap they’re given.
Entertainment: Pretty
Good | Story: Very Poor | Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
35: Mortal Kombat:
Annihilation
I thought the first MK film was iffy as it was. Enjoyable, sure, but pretty cheap-looking at
times. With the standard cliffhanger
ending that Paul WS Anderson injects to all his films, it was only natural
they’d make a sequel. I never imagined
they could make it worse than the original, but surprise, they did! This is
another one of those “so bad it’s good” type of films: high on the action and style, but terrible
with the substance. Most sets look like
they’re made of paper. Most special
effects look like something off of the Sci-Fi (“Sy-Fy”) channel. Most plot points don’t make sense. Most of the acting is horrid. Most everything here is just plain bad.
Entertainment: Pretty
Good | Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: Quite Low
--------------------
34: Open Water
I will agree that this film does touch upon a frightening
danger that all SCUBA divers need to be aware of. Having the boat leaving you behind in the
middle of the ocean is a really scary notion.
Yes, it has happened before with tragic results, so the film is
well-grounded in reality. I still
couldn’t get over how boring this film is, how plain and poorly-shot it is (of
course, it’s meant to have that camcorder-feel to it, but just about every
scenes looks so pedestrian that it’s dull).
I couldn’t get over the stupidity of the characters; come on, if I was
stranded in the middle of the ocean, I wouldn’t just sit there, hoping the boat
comes back. Swim to shore! Idiots…
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Poor |
Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
33: Dementia 13
Yep, even masters like Francis Ford Coppola has made some
stinkers. This early work of his was
made on a shoestring budget, and it does show.
I got to admit that the film does have some very wicked killings, and the
story for it is good in concept. It’s
the execution that’s really poor (and having a low budget should not be an
excuse; plenty of filmmakers have made great things out of low budgets). The film is pretty cheap, and has quite a few
mistakes throughout (one of the most memorable of which includes seeing the
boom mike on screen). Did I mention that
this movie is rather boring?
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
32: Rollerball (2002)
The original Rollerball movie is a pretty decent sci-fi
flick, and one of very few that portrays the possibility of futuristic death
sports. A remake with modern effects and
talent would be promising, but somehow this movie managed to muck it all
up. The actual Rollerball matches are
unmemorable, as are the story and characters.
It might be more forgivable, if it didn’t have such a flashy, irritating
style and gaudy-looking production design.
I especially loathed the chase
scenes toward the end, all filmed in night-vision. Despite all the flash and style, the film
managed to come off as uninteresting and unmemorable; this film is another
example of how a remake fails to live up to the potential of the original.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
31: Carnival of Souls
This film looks like it was filmed by some guys running
around Salt Lake City, randomly shooting scenes. There might have been a script, there might
not have been. The story doesn’t really
matter anyway; this film is just a woman wandering around randomly, being
harassed by random ghosts and random (randy) strangers. The film looks nice at times, and has a few
amusing scenes, but has absolutely no plot or point. There is a certain film by a certain M Night Shyamalan that told the same story in a much better fashion.
Entertainment: Pretty
Good | Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
30: The Cult (2007)
Bland, cheap, unmemorable, ugly, just like most other movies
on this list. I can’t remember any
redeeming value to this movie, much less what it was about. Nothing really stood out as a story or as a
film. All I can say is that it’s another
bad movie.
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Poor |
Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
29: Hollow Man 2
Some might say that the first Hollow Man is worthy of a
worst-of list, but I’ve always felt that Paul Verhoeven’s film was plenty
entertaining. This sequel, sadly,
isn’t. Even with the prospect of seeing
multiple invisible men fighting in the rain, the story is hollow, the
production value is nonexistent, and the film overall might as well be
invisible.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
28: Raving Maniacs
This B-movie has a pretty unique premise, in which somebody
at a rave gives out pills that turns the partiers into the living dead (or something
along those lines). Nice idea, but the
story is still weak, and the film looks horrid.
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
27: Piranha 2: The
Spawning
No, I refuse to believe that King-of-the-World James Cameron
directed this garbage. This supposed
directorial debut does feature some of his signature underwater diving scenes,
and some focus on science and high-tech.
For the most part, however, the film bears the footprint of Roger Corman
and Ovidio Assonitis, who’ve turned the film into a bland, dull, plotless,
pointless farce. With the premise of
flying fish attacking people, I suppose this film would have suffered under
Cameron’s control anyway, but at least the man knows how to make films
fun. As it is, there’s very little to
enjoy about this cheesy, stupid sequel.
The first Piranha, and the cheeky 2010 remake, are way better.
Entertainment: Marginal
| Story: Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
26: Barbarella
Most people will cite the opening credits scene (where Jane
Fonda strips off her space suit) as the best, most memorable, most redeeming
value to this movie. From there, it all
goes downhill with a vengeance. For
the most part, I was appalled as to how weak the Queen of the Galaxy is. Pitted against armies of creepy little dolls,
and a flock of birds, Barbarella is helpless.
I just wanted to shout at her “Get a grip! Fight back! Do something!”
Any other sci-fi heroine, whether it be Princess Leia, Queen Amidala, Aeon
Flux, Sarah Connor, Ellen Ripley, the redhead from The Fifth Element, or
anybody else, would have gladly kicked those stupid little dolls upside their
heads, and ripped the heads off of those stupid birds. But no, that would defeat the point of the
movie; Barbarella depicts a pacifistic utopia where nobody has any notion of
fighting, even in self-defense. Thus,
the story seems to take on a naive hippie viewpoint, and the characters are
reduced to stupid ditzes. Don’t even get
me started about the cheap-as-hell production values (shag-carpet space ship
and all…).
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
25: Police Academy:
Mission to Moscow
I think everybody will agree that the Police Academy saga
started strong, suffered a gradual decline in the quality of entertainment,
until it reached rock-bottom with this seventh film. By this point, only a few members of the
original cast are hanging around, and it’s a bit sad to see that they’re forced
to play out this weak, silly story, filled with one too many weak, silly, goofy
antics. The film is rarely funny, it has
a bad story, and the film itself looks like it was made by amateurs. I especially cringe every time a cartoony
sound effect plays on the screen.
Entertainment: Marginal
| Story: Very Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
24: Seeing Double
The long-forgotten pop-music sensation S Club 7 starred in
this ridiculously cheap and cheesy comedy.
The movie serves merely as a platform for the band to play a few of
their highlight songs in musical form (and in itself, that’s cringe-worthy
enough). There is some kind of plot
involving cloned pop stars, but the story overall seems completely shallow and
insipid. The best that can be said is
that some of the photography looked slick; the rest of the movie is just a
shame. And you thought Spiceworld was
bad.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Quite Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
23: Gamera: Super
Monster
This chapter in the giant super turtle’s saga involves a
giant spaceship (looking a little too much like the Star Destroyers from Star Wars) beaming down shapeshifting space ladies to wreak some havoc on
Earth. The story’s cheesiness and
stupidity is outmatched only its production value, which features a plethora of
gaudy, fake-looking costumes, cheapskate editing, and horrid special
effects. The film even resorted to
importing some footage from anime shows (is that Battleship Yomata I see?) to
fill in the gaps in the film. Good news
is, the English dubbing version is so cheesy and bad, it becomes an instant
comedy classic.
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
22: Mega Piranha
Leave it to the Sci-Fi (“Sy-Fy”) channel to produce
something as cheap and dumb as this.
It’s a military drama of sorts that pits soldiers against a hoard of
killer mutant giant flesh-eating fish.
Both Piranha movies managed to show more earnest craftsmanship than
this; Mega Piranha is so cheap and cheesy, it’s laughable. Acting and dialogue are horrid; the film
looks cheap; the special effects are special in a bad way; the story is pretty
dumb; the movie overall spells Mega Fail!
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
21: Arctic Blast
 |
| Well, at least Hell hasn't frozen over yet... |
That’s right, it’s time for another bad disaster movie. This one operates under the unlikely notion
that an ozone hole causes cold high-atmospheric air to blast down and bring on
a new Ice Age in Australia (wait, I thought ozone holes made things hotter from
the solar radiation. Wait, I thought the
cold high-atmosphere air can’t touch land because of something called air pressure. Wait, I thought…ah hell, you get the
idea). Lots of stupidity ensues, as
stupid characters either ignore the danger or run around like idiots. The film is cheap, as always.
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
20: Conquest (1983)
This is one of those rare few fantasy films that carry a
raw, brutal, primal sense of old-fashioned mysticism. Conan the Barbarian still dominates
this field; Conquest offers some very brutal scenes, but the plot leaves much
to be desired. The craftsmanship looks
extremely gaudy. Some folks may enjoy
the atmosphere of this film, but I found myself bored by it. Worst of all, it’s unmemorable.
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Awful |
Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment