So, just for the sheer heck of it, here is a small sample of how inept and dumb this film really is.
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| This will likely be your expression too when watching this film. |
02: So a guy kills another guy in the middle of this marketplace (okay, it's a slayer killing a vampire). The vampire withers and dies. And nobody seems to care. The guy behind the counter just says "I like you, you don't make a mess of the place." Riiiiight...
03: Flash back to the carnie scenes, where they torment Rayne in front of an audience just to prove that she's a dhampir. And the crowd loves it! Everybody's a sadist!
04: Even though I get that it was something carried over from the video game (if not folklore) that water can kill a dhampir, I have to ask: how does a dhampir stay hydrated?
05: You can always count on Ben Kingsley to put on his best performance as a villain by sitting in a chair. Seriously, between this and Thunderbirds, all he does it sit down and look evil. What ever happened that quality Gandhi-style acting?
06: At this point, there are a few surreal flashback scenes with lots of shakey imagery and weird effects where Ben Kingsley's head becomes all double-visioned, and everything is all blurry. Could this be more agitating?
07: Here's some bad dialogue for ya:
"Kagen is building an army of thralls, we're on our way to a carnival. Am I the only one who thinks this is madness? Cameron?"
"How do you suggest we deal with this army, Sebastian? Brimstone is a shadow of its former self."
"I've yet to see the point of finding this carnival."
"Listen you two: when has a vampire ever been held in captivity? Let alone by a circus troupe? She may be the one."
"You're focusing your energies on Kagan."
"This is what I've decided to do."
"Haven't we wasted enough time with fairy tales?"
Did a ten year old write this?
Doesn't matter; even if it was Oscar-award-winning-writing, the delivery's terrible.
08: Hurray, in her horrific bloodbath, Rayne spared the bearded lady, the Siamese twins, the dwarves, and the other freaks at the carnival! (I know, she probably did so on purpose, because she's a freak too. Still kinda funny).
09: "She's not a vampire! She was wearing the crucifix I gave her when it happened! She's a friend!" Problems with this dialoge is: traditionally, vampires cannot carry crucifixes (not sure about dhampirs specifically). I suppose the line of reasoning here is that, because Rayne isn't affected by the cross, she's technically not evil. Regardless, this woman acts like carrying it automatically makes her good...which is just plain silly.
10: Okay, I understand the woman was bitten by a vampire and needed to be killed for her own good. But jeez, did Michelle Rodriguez have to go and stab her so suddenly?
11: Hey, I totally recognize Neuschwanstein Castle there! The shot is in there for just a few seconds, and is never seen again. Was it even necessary, especially since every other castle in the movie looks totally different?
12: As if the combined performances of Michael Madsen, a statuesque Ben Kingsley, and a standard-tough-girl Michelle Rodriguez doesn't provide enough god-awful acting, Billy Zane contributes his fair share of horrid acting as well.
13: Strange how Rayne just happens across a wagon being raided by vampires. What luck.
14: When confronted, Rayne assures, "I will not harm you. I only wish to kill vampires." This is then followed by Rayne hungrily staring at the baby.
15: Whenever a vampire shows its ugly face in a crowd, it's never clear as to whether or not this is visible to everybody, or just Rayne. One thing is for certain: Rayne is the only one who notices, and the rest of the crowd is oblivious.
16: Rayne beckons a vampire into a dark corner: hot and saucy woman-on-woman vampire biting occurs. And once again, somebody drops dead in the middle of the street, Rayne moves on, and nobody seems to notice or care.
17: Apparently, fortune tellers can use the Force to telepathically communicate.
18: A standard cliche in films: whenever there's a fortune teller, they always flip some tarot cards while laying out the entire plotline. In this film, it's not just a vague reference to danger or death or anything: this fortune teller straight-up tells Rayne to go find the Eye of Beliar. And none of her cards are actual tarot cards. This plot progression is fantastic!
19: As if the fortune teller's directions weren't good enough, Rayne relies on unintelligable voices in her head to guide her to the Eye of Beliar.
20: Easily the awesomest scene in the film: Rayne vs the big ugly guy with the massive warhammer! The epicness of this scene is only hampered somewhat by Rayne's fake-looking flips and acrobatics. Fortunately, the big ugly guy's acting is good, until Rayne slams a morning star into his face. Wicked.
21: Rayne enters the chamber, and watches all the booby traps flying around the room. They move at lightning speed, but she's somehow able to do this amazing flip across the room and dodge them all. Pretty big "yeah right" moment there, and the bad special effects don't help.
22: Out of the blue, the bearded monk dude appears and says "I suggest you follow me." Okay, how did he know Rayne was down there?
23: Only after finding the special Eye of Beliar is its origins and backstory revealed. Wouldn't it have been cooler if all this was mentioned first? Then, it would have given the audience a better reason to care for Rayne finding the thing.
24: Battle breaks out at the monastery! It's all really cool and there's lots of blood...but you can't really tell what's going on when the camera moves around so much! Do'h!
25: In the midst of battle, one hapless monk just flings himself into a horseman.
26: Why is it that this army launched the attack without wearing any armor? Seriously, they're all just wearing robes and cloth. It's no wonder that they're getting pelted by arrows, come on!
27: Even without any armor, Rayne manages to kick way more butt than most everybody else. It's a shame that her fighting skills are still incredibly fake-looking.
28: The bad guy stabs the head monk dude, and then asks "Where's the Eye?" Hasn't anyone told this guy that you can't stab first and ask questions later?
29: As if echoing my sentiments, the monk's last words are "you fool!"
30: After all this fighting, some guy just runs up, punches Rayne in the face, and carries her off like a viking taking off with a wench or something. WTF?
31: Michelle Rodriguez shows a slight ineptness with her sword as she spends a few uncertain seconds trying to sheath it, and having to look at her hip to figure out the sheath before succeeding.
32: To pass the time, Kagan bites a woman, in a totally useless scene lasting all of ten seconds.
33: Approaching the place where Rayne was captured, the one hero manages to take out three guards with three perfect arrows. They're so perfect, they take out the guards in three totally different locations: one on top of a walkway, one behind a wall, one somewhere else. Are these magic arrows?
34: Meat Loaf...why is he here?
35: I read somewhere that all the naked women in this scene were actual Romanian prostitutes.
36: Vampires prove to be very poor fighters, as one rushes into a hero, but the hero just flips him around and has him run the other way, directly into the other guy's sword. Brilliant.
37: Michael Madsen expresses true machismo by choosing to punch a guy instead of using the obvious alternative (the sword in his hand).
38: It's amazing how much light can shine through a pair of tiny 2' x 4' windows.
39: As everybody enters the headquarters of the Brimstone Society, Rayne comes off the boat looking all wobbly. Seasick?
40: Rayne goes on to say that she'll gladly drink the blood of animals to spare humans. In the purpose of the story, it's her way of appeasing her captors. In the purpose of the film, it looks as though it's trying to maintain some positive moral vibe, which is dumb after all the death and mayhem that's already been shown (some of which is by Rayne herself). So, after showing a few dozen people getting bitten, you're saying it's wrong to drink human blood? No way!
41: Rayne continues to show off some pretty lame fighting skills with a montage of practices and training.
42: So when the sword breaks, all Rayne says is "it belonged to a friend." Michael Madsen says "I know someone who can help." What stupid lines.
43: Jail sex scene, ftw!
44: Why does Kagan keep referring to his men as "thralls?" Does he know what a "thrall" is?
45: Michelle Rodriguez really delivers the stupid lines as she spars with Rayne. "You form is weak, lacking passion." "Keep your friends close, enemies even closer." Of course, Rayne's lines aren't any better.
46: Somebody tosses a severed head on Billy Zane's desk. His response: "Stop throwing things at me."
47: Why does Billy Zane smile in every role he's in? Especially the serious roles?
48: "Give me the map!" "Give us our destiny." What kind of response is that?
49: You know, I didn't quite catch what point there is to Billy Zane's scenes. Even though he's scheming with the bad guys, it seems like both of the scenes with him in it could have been cut from the film completely without affecting the story.
50: If somebody is wounded in the middle of the woods, does anybody hear him? Apparently, the main characters do. And amazingly, the man is still alive! Just in time to tell everybody that the castle's under attack and Michelle Rodriguez is a traitor. What a convenience plot device!
51: In the middle of the night and everybody is asleep, Rayne gets up and runs off. Then the other guy gets up and runs after her. Then Michael Madsen opens his eyes. What, were they all awake the whole time?
52: You know, it seems like these people are endlessly riding on the exact same road and going by the exact same mountain for the whole film.
53: Our two main heroes bust through the gates of Kagan's castle with all swords a'swingin'. They're pretty lucky that the bad guys only took them prisoner. Suppose they just killed them instead? Movie would be over faster.
54: Prison guards always fall for the "where has my cellmate gone?" trick.
55: Wow, the two heroes pull off some impressive stuntwork, with one guy flipping in the air and dropping fifteen feet to the floor and landing perfectly, while the other guy uses a tiny dagger on a banner to slide down. It'd be really cool, if it didn't look so fake.
56: After playing such an unconvincing wise old man in the whole movie, Michael Madsen ultimately suffers the worse, most unintentionally hilarious death ever, as Ben Kingsly calmly walks into him with his sword raised, and Michael just looks at him blankly.
57: Rayne vs Kagan! In the first moments, Rayne spins around cutting air with her swords, whee!
58: Water is so amazing. It killed the wicked witch of the west. It scalds Kagan and contributes to his demise. The big question should be, if water is lethal to him, why did he catch it when the other guy called his name and threw it at him?
59: In an attempt to appear really wicked, Rayne screams in Kagan's face as she stabs him. In any other movie, it might have been an epic and dramatic scene. Here, it's just lame.
61: In the film's final moments, Rayne walks over and sits down on Kagan's throne, and stares at the camera with this freaky look. What's the assumption here? Did Rayne take over as the new evil queen or something? Is this like when Riddick took over the Necromongers in the Chronicles of Riddick? If you watch the unrated version of BloodRayne, this last shot is overlaid with a montage of flying blood and guts and wicked stuff! What does it all mean?
62: Well, of course this movie sucks. It's an Uwe Boll picture!
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