80: Resident Evil
Guilty of: Probably more hated by professional critics, still considered loud, formulaic, cheesy, and brainless.
What I say: Chances are that if they cast Milla Jovovich in an Uwe Boll film with talking cows and a billion Jar Jar Binkses, I’d still see it, just for Milla. She’s really hot and awesome in, well, all these films. The film itself is really cool and fun. It has just the right amount of action: not too little, but not overly ambitious. It’s a stylish and moody zombie flick I can chill to, surpassed only by its immediate sequel.
My score: 4/5
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79: Armageddon
Guilty of: Considered loud, stupid, obnoxious, brainless, and messy.
What I say: The comedy made me laugh, which is a big plus for any Michael Bay film. The characters are endearing and fun, which is another benefit. The action and special effects totally rock. Most of the photography is gorgeous. Even though I don’t like this film as much as I used to, it sure does beat the snot out of Deep Impact.
My score: 4/5
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78: Beneath the Planet of the Apes
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| They picked the worst place for a fight... |
Guilty of: Mostly considered cheap and stupid, especially compared to the first original film.
What I say: The bomb-worshipping mutants are cooler and s**t! This sequel is certainly not as deep or sophisticated as the first film, but I’ve always dug the style. It’s a raw and pulpy sci-fi flick that pits men, apes, and mutants in crazy bloody brawls. The film is also quite daring in its ending: a little stupid in the way the franchise painted itself into a corner, but it’s still a pretty bold move nonetheless.
My score: 4/5
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77: Mission Impossible II
Guilty of: All style, no substance.
What I say: I won’t deny that the style of this film really got in the way when I first saw it. John Woo went nuts with the slow-motion, the pigeons, the fire, the impossible stuntwork, and everything. It was only in repeat viewings that I learned to accept the style as it was: cool and wild! More importantly, I learned to appreciate the characters and the romance, which aren’t too terrible.
My score: 3/5
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76: The Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
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| Stop following me! |
Guilty of: Considered juvenile, simple, and lacking in substance.
What I say: It’s a short and silly picture, and I do think that it’s a notable drop in quality from the first film. I still enjoy the action and special effects: the Silver Surfer is one cool dude. Most of the humor is pretty decent, especially since it’s built pretty well around the dynamics of the characters. It probably could have been better in many ways, but it’s still good for a quick thrill.
My score: 3/5
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75: Trail of the Screaming Forehead
imdb score: 5.5 | RT score: Not Available
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| My head is killing me... |
What I say: This is one real doozy of a film: it makes me wonder who comes up with this crazy stuff. The film is about an invasion of aliens posing as foreheads, which latch onto people and take them over. Their one weakness: bells! A man would have to be crazy to think this film sounds intelligent in any way. However, with its incredibly awful dialogue, it is an instant comedy classic. It’s a film so ridiculously written with such ridiculous scenes that it’s hilarious. There really is no other film like it!
My score: 2.5/5
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74: Mission to Mars
Guilty of: Considered messy, shallow, and stupid, especially with a haphazard script that borrows from too many other films (especially 2001: A Space Odyssey).
What I say: Despite some drag, the film does have visually impressive moments, especially in the opening scenes with the awesome sand-storm-worm thing. I always found the ending plot twists pretty interesting. Likable characters don’t hurt either. To me, this film goes hand-in-hand with most other space operas (or possibly other films about Mars).
My score: 3.5/5
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73: Lost in Space
Guilty of: Silly, contrived, bland, unengaging.
What I say: The space battles totally rock. Other key scenes, such as the planet crumbling apart, are just as awesome. Scenes in between are pretty corny and silly, but the film overall does have a certain lighthearted spirit that makes it fun and easily-digestible. As far as the story goes, I have grown to appreciate the time-travel mechanics the film uses. Substance may still be pretty light, but I do enjoy the spectacle.
My score: 3.5/5
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72: Wild Wild West
imdb score: 4.6 | RT score: 21%
Guilty of: Weak characters, unfunny comedy.
What I say: Well, the comedy really isn’t all that funny. I do get a kick out of the giant robo-spider thing that runs amok in the film’s final half. The whole film is loaded with wild and interesting steampunk gizmos. Barry Sonnenfeld applies his usual flair for weird and wild visuals. Above all, the film is fast-paced and has loads of action. Funny thing is, I never thought I’d associate “fast-paced” and “loads of action” to westerns.
My score: 3/5
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71: Next
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| Everybody looks like this when watching these movies. |
Guilty of: Poorly motivated characters, plot holes.
What I say: The film has issues, certainly, but it does have some visually impressive scenes. Action and style rarely disappoint. The film takes its core concept and plays around with it in some interesting and entertaining ways. It helps that Nicholas Cage plays it cool and is fun to watch here.
My score: 3.5/5
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70: Babylon A.D.
Guilty of: Considered weak and poorly constructed in terms of story, script, and action.
What I say: If you haven’t guessed already, yes, the action and visuals are cool. Biggest standouts will be in watching snowmobiles trying to outrun robot drones, and the slow-motion rocket exploding. Story and characters didn’t jive with me at first, but I grew to appreciate them on repeat viewings. It probably could have been better in some ways, but I learned to take it for what it is.
My score: 3.5/5
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69: Ghost Ship
Guilty of: Plot considered weak, not scary.
What I say: First thing’s first: the opening scene is wicked! I think it should hold the record for most torsos severed all at once! From then on, the film has its share of interesting moments, but it all really comes together in the last act. The film’s major plot twist not only puts the whole thing into perspective, but I also felt it was one cool concept. It builds up to a really wicked final shot, and thus a satisfying horror flick.
My score: 3.5/5
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68: Battlefield Earth
Guilty of: Pretty much considered one of the worst, if not THE worst, movies of all time.
What I say: When I saw this, I was a mere high-schooler. I didn’t care for the overuse of dutch camera angles, or the cheesiness of John Travolta’s acting, or the stupidity of certain plot points. All I knew was that I saw harrier jets chasing down alien ships, and it was cool! The ending had one of the best planetary explosions I had ever seen, and I was blown away! These days, I can see what makes the film bad. I still don’t think it’s all that bad, but bad all the same. I’ll still always enjoy it for its action, and for bringing some of the more memorable scenes from the book to life.
My score: 2.5/5
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67: The Mummy Returns
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| Cat fights of the ancients. |
Guilty of: Considered weak with the story and characters.
What I say: At the time, I thought it was actually better than the first film. If nothing else, the action and visuals are definitely bigger and more ambitious: there are a bunch of awesome fight scenes, the Army of Anubis is a sight to behold, and various scenes here and there never fail to entertain. While I’ll admit now that the first film is fresher and more original, I enjoy them both really well and frequently revisit this sequel to relive the adventure.
My score: 4/5
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66: The Marine
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| Method acting at gunpoint. |
Guilty of: Overblown, weak plot and characters, derivative.
What I say: I was surprised, this film was a blast! The action is frequent and incredible, with loads of impressive scenes. It is a pretty simple story with ridiculous proportions, but if I want a quick and easy dose of big fiery action, this would be one of my top choices.
My score: 3/5
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65: The Happening
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| Something is happening off screen...I think... |
Guilty of: Considered incoherent and unconvincing. Nobody really believed the spiel about the plants rising up against the human race. Also panned for poor acting and writing.
What I say: For the longest time, I was accustomed to regarding all of M. Night Shyamalan’s work as something intelligent, with a strong Hitchcockian vibe. Even when The Happening came out, I regarded it as Hitchcockian, and I felt it delivered. The film has a very interesting style and strong photography. I felt it presented its concept in a manner that’s straight and sincere. I found the drama compelling, along with the characters. The hate over this film has always confused me, because I never saw much wrong with it.
My score: 3.5/5
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64: My Science Project
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| "The future is a funky groove!" |
Guilty of: Cheesy, bad writing and direction.
What I say: Like many films of the 80s, this one knows what the meaning of “fun” is. It is cheesy to some degree, but it sure is fun. Even the cheesy dialogue and lines are fun. What I like best, however, is the story and special effects: I always found the central concept of a space-time warp going out of control very interesting. It gets really random and weird as the story goes on, but that’s part of what makes this film such a wild and fun trip.
My score: 4/5
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63: Alien vs. Predator
Guilty of: They took two R-rated franchises and watered them down to a weak and dull PG-13 fare. Poor characters don’t help.
What I say: I do agree that some more blood and guts might have helped this film a bit, the unrated cut does have a little more oomph to it. In time, I learned to forgive the film of many of its flaws, so I can just sit back and enjoy the thrilling smackdown between the famous monsters. If nothing else, the film does a great job of staging the fights between the aliens and predators, while adhering to the established traits and abilities that make each creature so wicked (even if the chestbursters gestate way too rapidly in this film). I was always intrigued by the flashback scenes which tie the two races together; it’s somewhat smart stuff. Even though AvP is widely considered one of the weakest entries for both the Alien and Predator movies, it has plenty of redeemable moments.
My score: 4/5
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62: The Day After Tomorrow
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| So, this will happen on Friday? |
Guilty of: Considered absurd with bad dialogue. Ice chases people.
What I say: Twisters rip up Los Angeles, giant tidal waves wash over New York, and then the world freezes over. How cool is that? If nothing else, the special effects and mass destruction are really top-notch spectacles worth watching repeatedly. The plot is pretty silly and the characters border on the brink of stupidity, but by disaster movie standards, this film is relatively fun and mostly well-made (remember, disaster movie standards. Anybody who thinks this movie is bad should go out and see Arctic Blast or Birdemic; now those are some real disasters!).
My score: 3.5/5
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61: Troll 2
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| Death by popcorn flicks. |
Guilty of: Horrible acting, writing, direction, plot, story, costumes, cinematography, production value, music…yeah, everything.
What I say: One of my top contenders for best movie that’s so-bad-it’s-good. The dialogue is so terrible, it’s often hilarious. Just about every scene in this movie defies all sense of normal logic. At times, it’s kinda hard to tell if this film is trying to be serious and was just made poorly, or if the filmmakers purposefully put their heart into making a self-consciously bad movie. As the latter, it’s highly successful. As the former, it’s still a hoot for being a film that’s unintentionally funny.
My score: 2.5/5
To be continued...
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