April 30, 2020

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 5

Introduction and Updates
Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)
Part 3 (60 - 41)
Part 4 (40 - 21)

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20: Osombie (2012)

Osama Bin Laden is a zombie. Funny, right?

The film plays its absurd premise rather straight, resulting in a pretty boring affair. It's nothing more than a handful of Army characters running around the desert, shooting at zombies. There's no real plot, story, or characterization worth noting here. It strives to be a gritty, serious zombie flick with action, but it's as dry and boring as desert sand. It's coarse, and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

It's pretty clear to me that the filmmakers just bummed around Utah, shot some scenes, and slapped it all together. Having lived in Utah for a while, I can't unsee this scenery. I'm pretty certain parts of this film were indeed shot around Eagle Mountain, where my house was--sorry guys, but I can't buy this as the Middle East at all. It all just falls apart from there.

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19: Apocalypse Mercenaries (Mercenari Dell'Apocalisse) (1987)
Kill these films with fire!

Pretty typical WWII adventure, this time patched together cheaply from recycled action footage. It's all bland, droll, stale, and ugly-looking--pretty much the opposite of everything I want and enjoy out of a good adventure picture. A repetitive score and lackluster characters don't help much. I really don't remember much of this film at all, but when I did see it I dismissed it as weak trash.

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18: Mission Hunter 2: Battle Warrior (Nuk Soo Dane Song Kram) (1996)

It's hard to really like or understand this film much when so much of it looks so dark and shoddy (and I'm not really sure if that's the way it was filmed or if I was watching a shoddy DVD). Even then, there's not much to see--it's a bland and cliched action flick that sends a bunch of burly soldiers into the jungle to rescue somebody. There is action, but not much narrative momentum. Boring story and characters makes this very unmemorable. Tony Jaa is barely in the film--the actual leads don't have nearly as much presence. Turn the disc's English dubbing on though, and it becomes a pretty funny farce (especially one guy trying so hard to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger).

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17: Revenge Of The Spacemen (2014)

I'm pretty sure Troma put this out as another slice of "so bad it's good" schlock. Their films are at their best when they focus on the absurd--Revenge of the Spacemen is not really as crazy as it looks or sounds, and it's all the weaker for its lack of ambition.

If you've seen the pilot episode for South Park season one, then you've probably already seen the same tasteless jokes about alien abductions and anal probing, and you might have laughed a little harder at it. Revenge of the Spacemen relies on those same tiresome cliches, but it's not all that funny anymore. Showing it all with a handful of dudes wearing cheap rubber masks--a production that's purposefully cheap and campy--doesn't really elicit as much laughter as it aims for (and I'm a guy who laughed at Trail of the Screaming Forehead). The film just fails to engage at every turn--most of it is focused on a handful of stock characters who try to tickle your funny bone with their bad acting and stereotypical dialogue, but they all come off as bland, boring people. Their story is a stale and uninteresting one, leaving the titular spacemen to appear only in a couple of scenes. It's simultaneously an unfunny comedy and a cheap monster flick. It fails as both.

Home video quality did not help this one at all--the frame rates looked very choppy and weird, and the dialogue is barely audible. I can't even tell if this was the way the film was made, or if it's just a poorly-made disc. Either way, I found it dang near unwatchable.

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16: Dracula 3D (2012)

How the mighty have fallen. I'm not even much of a gaillo fan, but even I can see how Dario Argento made his mark in films like the original Suspiria. His take on Dracula though? Yeesh. So cheap, bland, and boring. It seems like the whole movie takes place in one or two empty rooms. Performances range from bland to cringey. Gore effects look fake. You know the film's bad when the only memorable or forgivable thing are the few scenes involving topless ladies--that's literally all I remember out of this junk. There are way better Dracula adaptations out there, just as there are better 3D movies, better Argento movies, and better movies period.

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15: Recon 2020: The Caprini Massacre (2004)

There comes a point where it feels like there are too many military sci-fi films trying to copy the formula of Aliens, and they all start to look and feel equally boring (examples of note: both the Doom movies, Starship Troopers 2, and this schlock).

Recon 2020 seems to be a film that was shot around some ghetto construction yard, then added a yellow filter over everything (and it looks quite ugly). The actors are a bunch of guys and one or two ladies in cheap-looking BDUs and armor--they shoot at each other, and boom, you have a movie. Despite one or two laughable lines, the film fails to engage with its been-there-done-that story, its cast of unmemorable characters, and repetitive action.

It looks as though more Recon 2020 films were made. I've never bothered to see them--I doubt I'm missing anything. But why watch this when I could just pop Cameron's Aliens in for the trillionth time?

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14: Leprechaun: Origins (2014)
Just kiss it already. It's Irish

Leprechaun is pretty notorious as a bad series--it's been bad for six straight movies. Warwick Davis kept it fun and campy, even through its lowest points (like the times they went to space, or into the hood).

The seventh Leprechaun movie ever made is a sad disappointment in a series where the bar is already set way low. Without Davis and without any of the camp that made the other movies "so bad they're good," Origins is just boring. It plays the myth so straight and conventional that it breaks no new ground at all. Photography is bland, performances are grating, and the story moves slowly. The actual Leprechaun is an ugly mofo. In the grand scheme of horror cinema, it feels like just another monster movie--worse yet, it's unoriginal, uninspired, and droll. Charmless to the last.

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13: The Brink (2006)

This B-movie offers an interesting premise: Thomas Edison invented a contraption that could communicate with the dead. Supernatural killings ensue. Sadly, the film’s execution is just stale, bland, and cheap. Nothing about the film held my attention. The storytelling is weak. The film looks bad and it should feel bad. Now that it's been some years since I stumbled across this bargain-bin DVD, I barely even remember the film much.

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12: Raving Maniacs (2005)

In better hands, this premise (in which pills turn people into the living dead) could be scary. Or funny. Or both. This film is neither--it's a droll, forgettable B-movie with weak plotting. The film looks horrible and cheap, which is a shame considering the make-up effects and the use of colored lights. How is it that a movie with this much techno music and rave scenes could turn out so bland and boring?

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11: To Kill A Killer (Para Matar a un Asesino) (2007)

Many years ago, a movie like this would have had me fooled into thinking that a story pitting one killer against another would be exciting and cool. This film makes such a poignant premise droll though, thanks to its ugly shooting style, cheap production, and poor acting. The pacing is an absolute slog, and it makes every gaudy scene pass by the eyes in the most agonizing way. It's barely memorable and it offers nothing new to see.

At the time this came out, I actually had a killer-vs-killer story idea in mind, and I intended to make my own screenplay out of it. I half expected this film to mirror what I had in mind--nope, not even close. Especially now that the concept has evolved into more of a strange fiction novel, but that's still a work-in-progress. Maybe I have this film to thank for making me challenge the idea and jazz it up some. Thanks film, now I know how to not tell the story!

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10: Cult (2007)

Some of the worst movies are the ones least memorable. And I really can't remember any bloody thing about this film, even though I know I had it on DVD (bought it together with The Brink, quickly dumped them in equal measure--what a horrible double-feature).

What I do recall of Cult is that it's a dark, droll, cheap, boring movie that feels like a caricature of other occult-themed horror movies. The script offers a droll story populated by weak characters, and their respective performers offer bad performances that fail to resonate. The film's as stale as they come, and it's made less watchable with its cheap-looking quality. This film is a time-waster in the most literal sense--watch anything but this.

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9: Machine Head (2000)

Hey, stick a lawnmower on somebody's head, and you have a movie!

Yeah right.

Everything that can go wrong with a film goes wrong with this one--the script, the performances, the look and style, the direction, all of it falls way flat, making it a boring, cheap, forgettable flick. Even with all its stupidity and cheapness, it still fails to become "so bad it's good," coming off as simply bad. Without any blood or guts, it doesn't even aim for shock or schlock. I don't remember much about the film now, but my life is probably all the better for it.

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8: Alien Abduction (2014)

Found footage movies grate on me personally (heck, I previously had Blair Witch Project in my bottom 100). Of all the ones I've seen, Alien Abduction annoyed me the most. Not even the final shot, showing the camera falling from space to Earth, really wowed me--99% of the film is cheap, ugly, and filmed with an agitating quality. The actual alien scenes aren't anything new (it can't top what Fire From the Sky already showed, now that was some scary stuff). Story and characters don't amount to much. I barely even remember the film now, other than I came out hating it.

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7: August Underground (2001)

Fred Vogel crafted this film with one singular goal: to create a film that creditably resembles a found footage tape that could belong to a serial killer. I have to admit that Vogel achieved what he set out to do just fine--this is exactly the kind of ugliness and depravity you can expect from a serial killer's private home video. That doesn't mean I have to like or value it though.

The film is barely watchable--partly because of the gaudy VHS quality (a purposeful effect to lend the film a greater sense of reality), and partly because of the content. There's literally no plot to this--just like with an unedited tape, you see random segments of the character doing random things, inter-spaced with some of the ugliest scenes of killing and rape imaginable. There are no heroes to this film, and it demands no respect or empathy for the killer--the only thing you can do is watch endless victimization and feel sick about it. And...is that the point? What is the point? Why would I watch this?

I wanted to believe at one point that there could be value in exploring the depths of human evil through art, as a way to reflect on it, recognize it, learn from it. That's easy to do on a film like Schindler's List. This though? Vogel's goal is to remind us that anybody, even your next door neighbor, could be a scumbag and a murderer. Unfortunately, when the film is so boring and ugly that it becomes unwatchable, I question the film's value. I have a feeling most people only watch this to challenge themselves on the violence and depravity--in which case, this becomes just exploitative tripe.

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6: Chaos (2005)

Not to be confused with the other 2005 film Chaos starring Jason Statham (what are the odds?!), this exploitative horror film is pretty much a rehash of 1972's Last House on the Left (itself, a rather sleazy and ugly picture). This was advertised as the most brutal movie ever made (although I'm pretty sure Fred Vogel with his three August Underground flicks is all like "hold my beer"). In my ignorant youth, I must have challenged myself to rent this and see how much punishment my eyes could take.

The film is cheaply-made, poorly acted, and largely bland. As promised, it doesn't hold back on the brutality and violence--the plot is nothing more than a bunch of horrible guys killing girls, and that's it. The opening title card directly tells the audience that the film's point is to underline the real-life horror of real-life killers who could stalk and murder your daughters at any given time. And yet, it's a thin mask that fails to justify shock value with no purpose. Beyond mere unpleasantness, it's tasteless and valueless.

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5: August Underground's Penance (2007)

Third in the series, this film continues the trend of its predecessors, showcasing rape and murder in a found footage format, made to simulate the kind of depraved video a serial killer might have in his own private belongings. The distinction of this film is that it's no longer horrid VHS quality, it's moved on to low-quality digital camcorders.

It's still a very ugly affair. The change in medium is still garish with its macroblocking and interlacing--but the content continues to be grating, showcasing nothing more than random killings intercut between random scenes. There is maybe a slight semblance of an arc emerging as one of the characters eventually decides she doesn't want to keep doing this evil stuff anymore. It's too little too late though, and does nothing to justify the heaping amount of violence and shock endured across three whole films. I can understand the first one existing to showcase the chilling prospect that anybody--your friend, your neighbor, your family--could be a killer behind your back. Three of these movies though? Nah, it's just too much now. The shock value wins out in the end, and all sense of value or taste is lost.

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4: Ilsa: She Wolf Of The SS (1975)

There came a point when watching Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS where I stopped and asked myself what the heck I was watching and why. It was the first time I had done so for an exploitation movie, and I had to admit for the first time that I had absolutely no good answer for myself.

Ilsa has her fans (somehow), and apparently she has a number of films in her name, in which she tortures people and...we're supposed to like it? The thing is, I had mistakenly gone into She Wolf of the SS falsely believing this would be a werewolf movie--nope, it's a straightforward Nazisploitation movie where a camp full of people are tortured, they eventually push back, and that's the whole story. What makes it unwatchable in my eyes is the gaudy, boring photography, which makes scenes that are supposed to be engaging clinical and cold. A terribly uncomfortable amount of time is spent on their torment, which is clearly meant to be the film's main draw. And that's the problem--why should I be entertained by humiliation (tastelessly set in a concentration camp nonetheless)?

I can forgive a number of exploitation flicks simply because I don't take many of them seriously. I would have probably laughed this one off if Ilsa was a literal wolf--as grounded, tasteless, and ugly as the film actually is, I found it largely droll and despicable.

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3: Acid Bath (2006)

With this title and the film's poster, I wasn't going into this expecting high art. But even by horror standards, this film doesn't offer much. The actual acid bath is garish and bloody, sure, but everything else is just too hard to watch for many other reasons.

Biggest problem is that this film is hyper. The editing is just way too fast and choppy. Cinematography is amateurish. As cheap and bland as the film is, it never looks like anything beyond something some dudes shot around the hood and slapped together with annoying music. Acting is atrocious. There's literally no redeeming value to this schlock--there are Asylum films that look better than this.

If the film's intent is to make you feel like you're taking an actual acid bath, well then good job. It burns.

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2: Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010) 

So Bad, It's Good!

This film. This bloody film right here. This might be the one so bad that it makes all those Asylum and SyFy pictures look respectable, makes those god-awful Dungeons & Dragons videos look genuinely epic, makes the Leprechaun series seminal Halloween gold, makes Tommy Wiseau look like a modern Hollywood genius, and it might make you run off and rent The Birds 2: Land's End just to take your mind off of it.

I kid you not--literally every scene in Birdemic brims with pure fail. It's shot with barely palatable video and sound quality (sound recording is especially wacky with clipped dialogue, airiness, terrible sound effects--my ears shudder at the memories). It takes forever to get past the opening credits (seriously, four whole minutes of driving, and the theme song loops like a billion times). It takes an eternity to get to the actual Birdemic--the first act is filled with the blandest, most contrived, and most mundane love story ever conceived. When birds finally attack, they go straight for the eyes with their gaudy, low-quality pixels obviously superimposed on unconvincing fight scenes. The rest of the movie is no less abysmal as environmental messages are beat into the audience with agonizingly horrible monologues.

This only scratches the surface. Birdemic is by far the most amateur film I've seen, giving The Room a run for its money.

However...

The film is so bad, it's genuinely funny. I mean, who would think to fight off killer birds with coat hangers? And how about that scene that unconvincingly ends with mountain lion noises driving the characters away? Even the boring dating scenes in the beginning are laughable thanks to the terrible performances, poor writing, and poor shooting. The only reason this doesn't come out at the very very bottom is because the it's ultimately harmless. Still, Birdemic ought to stand as the most incompetent film ever made.

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1: August Underground's Mordum (2003)

The first August Underground, alone is a gaudy and harsh watch that'll make you feel sick. It has enough notoriety among underground horror fans, so a second film exists. How much worse can a second video tape from serial killers be?

It's worse. So much worse. Somehow, Fred Vogel found a way to crank everything up to the highest degree, crafting a film that's almost completely full of the most sickening violence imaginable. The blood, gore, and rape are so prominent that some things are shown that nobody has any real business seeing. All of this is brought to life by the worst characters imaginable--they spend so much of the film screaming at each other, spouting hateful words, and spreading their evil everywhere they go. A few random shots of them doing nonsense doesn't help, even if it adds to the realism.

As before, all of this is rendered on degraded VHS quality. It's nearly unwatchable this way, but it also has the uncanny effect of appearing too real. And that's the filmmakers' goal. While it's chilling to think that such people could exist anywhere--in your neighborhood even--this experience is not worth the message. There's only so much the eyes, ears, and mind can take, and this film pushes it way too far. It's by far the ugliest film I've seen, in terms of both content and style. It's plotless, I despise the characters, the narrative momentum is lacking, and there's just way too much blood, humiliation, and filth. I wouldn't wish this film on my enemies, and I hope my friends can be spared this monstrosity.

There are literally thousands of films that are worth your time. Watch an Academy Award winner. Watch a blockbuster, even if it's a flop. Watch a Disney movie for freak's sake. Anything but this.

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 4

Introduction and Updates
Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)
Part 3 (60 - 41)

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40: Future-Kill (1985)

This might be the worst movie with the best poster. HR Giger's artwork definitely drew my eye, whereas the movie itself drove my eyes away towards better movies of the era.

Future-Kill is basically one of those Terminator knock-offs. An especially cheap and cheesy one that looks garish and leaves no lasting impact. Some of the line delivery may be a bit laughable, but I struggle to recall any specific scene that would make this movie worth the time.

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39: Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes (Eroi Dell'Inferno) (1987)

This is advertised as the sequel for 1978's Inglorious Bastards (although I'm sure many folks would confuse this as a plug in for the 2009 Tarantino film). Hell’s Heroes shares the cheesy and absurd spirit as its predecessor, but without any particularly good story or characters worth rooting for (not even the Hammer can save this). Despite all the explosions and shootouts, the film looks so poor and bland that it becomes stiff and droll. It's not a memorable experience, not even for the wrong reasons.

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38: Vampires: The Turning (2005)

Yikes, they made yet another sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires! Only this time, it takes place in Thailand and now there's martial arts and biker gangs. Sounds fun, right?

Sadly, the film does little to cement its cooler aspects into anything cohesive. The story is bad, and it's crafted in poor quality. Even with the promise of exciting fight scenes, the film is surprisingly boring and forgettable. At this point, it doesn't even bear any resemblance to Carpenter's film.

Blade is not impressed.

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37: Gamera: Super Monster (Uchu Kaijû Gamera) (1980)
Gamera in the construction business

I'm not really a huge Gamera fan anyway, and the copy I have for this has really horrible quality. There is a chance I'll reevaluate this when it hits Blu-Ray later this year--you might have to take this one with a grain of salt.

This particular Gamera adventure is actually stitched together from previous films. Oddly, the film is further convoluted as it splices in additional footage from Battleship Yamato and Galaxy Express 999. Why though? I can't even handle seeing my animes mixed up with my live-action kaiju, this is madness!

It might be more an indication that many of the older Gamera pictures are cheap and silly, but I did find just about every scene in Super Monster to look stiff, garish, and cheap. Editing, especially in the slapdash way it mixes in the old footage with the new, is illogical and horrible. New scenes feature pretty bad acting and cheesy effects. I found it all borderline unwatchable, although seeing this with degraded VHS quality doesn't really help.

English dubbing is pretty dang funny though.

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36: Doomsday Machine (1972)
Have a relaxing apocalypse

So Bad, It's Good!

An ambitious end-of-the-world picture, in which astronauts leave a doomed Earth behind to find a new world to populate. Considering that the spaceship consists of a bunch of armchairs, the film becomes quite a laughable and entertaining hoot for its camp and cheapness. The story is marred by some really stupid twists and turns. It's definitely something that can't be taken seriously--if you don't, then you might get a good laugh out of this schlock.

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35: Battlespace (2006)

Kinda Good?

This straight-to-DVD flick earns its place on the list only by default--you only need a quick glance at select scenes to see just how cheap, gaudy, and amateurish the film is.

I gotta say though, for a movie this bad, it does show surprising ambition in its script and the way it optimizes its settings and special effects. The story has a way bigger scale than most sci-fi films Hollywood spits out. It aims to be thought-provoking and twisty, but it's ultimately a hard narrative to follow (or care about) that intimately. I do admire the way the special effects are used--however, they are pretty weak. There's more bad than good with this one, but it's an odd case where I find some of the good details interesting.

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34: Hard Gun (1996)

There are some nifty action scenes and stunts, but it's few and far between. And don't expect to see that much of Tony Jaa, even though his name and face are plastered all over the DVD cover. This is a disappointingly bland and aimless mess--the story is bloated with too many scenes that could have been excised easily, and the rest doesn't amount to much. It's all captured with bland photography and editing. I also can't overlook the fact that this film uses Eric Serra's score from GoldenEye--they couldn't be bothered to find their own music, huh?

On the other hand, if you watch this with English dubbing, it's pure comedy gold!

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33: Zaat (1971)
What is zat?

So Bad, It's Good!

The film showcases a mad scientists who turns into a gaudy green monster and attempts to transform all sea life on Earth. He proceeds to do so by using a squirt bottle.

The terrible laughs keep rolling in from there. There's a scummy, exploitative vibe to this cheap production, but it's hard to take this seriously when the bad acting, lack of logic, and rubber suits fail to impress. It is a hoot though to watch the guy in the terrible rubber suit terrorize ladies and deliver pompous evil monologues. Something this mutated and crazy could only come from Florida.

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32: Bridge To Hell (Un Ponte Per L'inferno) (1986)

Of all the Italian war adventures I managed to swallow, I remember this one the least. Cheap, cheesy, and droll, like all the others. I'm sure some folks will find some kind of "so bad it's good" charm to this, but I couldn't. I primarily remember a lot of shootouts, something something something bridge, and that's it. I don't remember much of a story, and I don't remember rooting for any good characters. This is a bridge too short.

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31: The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

I was willing to put up with all kinds of schlock for a laugh. Unfortunately, this one didn't elicit so much as a chuckle from me. The film is painfully bland and poor in its quality. I can't even take this seriously, seeing as the titular transplant is literally two guys in the same suit. I can barely even watch the film thanks to its ugly filming style, cheap production, and lame acting. Most of the characters are unlikable, and the story they go through is threadbare. Worst of all, the film bored me. How can a film this absurd and cheap be so boring? Somehow it succeeded.

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30: Auschwitz (2011)
Dr. Boll I presume?

Uwe Boll really wants you to feel for this one. He even goes so far to bookend the film with video of himself telling you directly how horrible the Holocaust is and the importance of not letting history repeat itself. Thanks Uwe, message received.

Auschwitz aims to elicit shock and tears by coldly focusing on the supposed ways Nazis massacred their victims in concentration camps. Unfortunately, Boll doesn't have nearly enough money to give Schindler's List competition. He must not have had enough actors to work with either, given that he plays one of the guards himself--I get the feeling he rounded up some buddies and shot this on a weekend. I found out recently that he had cut a large chunk of the story that found to be overly melodramatic, but to make up for it he patches in interviews--it does little to mask the film's shortcomings or make up for its lack of focus.

The film was famously controversial amidst fears that it would be overly-exploitative and tasteless. While it's not nearly as graphic or horrible as its reputation would suggest, I think it's still rather tasteless, thanks to the transparent way he chooses to show sadism and cruelty without subtlety. We're supposed to be moved and reach an understanding of the Holocaust's evil--instead, I can't help but to see this as a gaudy exercise in beating audiences over the head with shock, and the bad production quality doesn't sell it that well.

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29: Eaten Alive! (Mangiati Vivi!) (1980)

Cannibal movies are hardly high art as it is. I could forgive certain ones for specific reasons, but I couldn't find any good reason to forgive Umberto Lenzi's Eaten Alive! It's already a trashy, gut-wrenching experience with its gore, scenes of animal cruelty, rape, and of course cannibalism. What hurts this film the most is that it's so stale--the boundaries had already been pushed in better films within the genre, but this one offers nothing new to the story, characters, or style that sets it apart. It results in a very boring, tiresome affair that leaves no impact, despite how shocking it aims to be.

I don't even remember a thing about this movie now--I had only bought it for the soundtrack CD, because these Italian movies have pretty rad scores. Roberto Donati's music for this is really groovy--that's probably the film's sole highlight.

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28: The Human Centipede Part 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

There's no classy or artistic way to mask just how disgusting and malevolent Tom Six's Human Centipede trilogy is. The first film is just stupid and schlocky, almost laughably so. The second one though--yeesh. Some of that can't be unseen. I give those two some leeway for some reason or another--for the third one though, I can't even...

While not as disgusting as the second film, the third sequence still has enough grotesqueness and violence to make the experience ugly and grating. It's almost unwatchable, thanks largely to Dieter Laser constantly yelling at people. I especially hated the few scenes where he blatantly exploits or violates Bree Olson's character. When there is an actual human centipede shown (the longest of the series), it doesn't really elicit shock, it's actually kinda boring at this point.

An alternate ending was filmed that would have tied this up with the first film and turned it into something meta. I actually would have appreciated that angle a little more than what's in the final product. The whole series is trash though.

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27: Moonshine Mountain (1964)

One can't expect that much class out of a Herschell Gordon Lewis film, but even by his standards, this is pretty lame. Moonshine Mountain looks cheap and bad. Some folks might get a "so bad it's good" vibe from the campy performances, but the god-awful country singing, poor quality, and a surprising lack of gore makes it a forgettable farce for me. I found it boring and borderline unwatchable. It really says something when I'm more willing to sit through Blood Feast or The Wizard of Gore than 90 minutes of this hillbilly nonsense.

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26: Zeta One (The Love Factor) (1969)

To be fair, I couldn't expect much from this psychedelic exploitation comedy. The film does deliver on its promise to show off as much skin as tastefully possible, so I ought to appreciate that.

For a film that directly parodies the British spy genre and classic sci-fi, it's not particularly funny. It's a long, dry, plot-less affair, offering no characters worth rooting for and no specific scenes that makes this worth watching (except maybe that strip poker scene, but even that's rather dry). I'm especially not fond of the film's style, which manages to look even cheaper and more garish than Barbarella. I would watch anything for love, but not The Love Factor.

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25: Police Academy: Mission To Moscow (1994)

Seventh in the series--the returns had diminished so greatly at this point that the cast scrapes the bottom of the vodka bottle to find any good laughs. Most of this movie consists of pratfalls, buffoonery, and shenanigans that try too hard to elicit laughter that's never fully earned--the setups and payoffs simply don't line up. The film really beats you over the head with funny faces, cartoony sound effects, and people tripping over each other, and it all comes off as cringey. The story is daft and it gives the characters little time to shine. Even the remaining cast from the originals struggle to maintain their charm--they're champs for staying in the series this long, but aside from the horse stunts in the end credits, they deserved a better send-off.

Easily the worst and least-funny comedy I know of. Heck, Blubberella is funnier than this. It's rather disappointing since I still admire the first Police Academy and consider it one of the best. Compare the two and maybe you'll have a good lesson on what comedy works and what doesn't.

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24: Return To...Return To Nuke 'Em High (aka Volume 2) (2017)

When people think of indulgence in the cinematic arts, they might point to George Lucas and his Star Wars prequels, Spielberg's Hook, all of Baz Luhrman's musicals, and countless more examples. There's only so much the eyes can take before it all starts to become an ugly blur, so full of noise and mayhem that it makes you want to throw up. Fortunately, most films don't push me that far--but this one did. Of all the messes that exist, this abominable thing that Lloyd Kaufman smashed together represents the absolute worst qualities of indulgent creativity (if it can even be called creative).

I mean, sure, it's a Troma film, so what could I expect? I enjoyed so many of these on a "so bad it's good level," including the original Class of Nuke 'Em High. The thing is, most of these films managed to pace themselves and inject comedy that elicited genuine laughter. But Volume 2 of Return of Nuke 'Em High shows no restraint at all--it's a bizarre and plot-less menagerie of obnoxiously unfunny jokes, sickening gore and filth, and garish special effects. The film is barely even watchable. Kaufman inserts himself into the film repeatedly, aiming for some kind of meta-humor as if trying to lift the film into some kind of wall-breaking avant-garde masterpiece. I get the feeling the dude locked himself in the editing room and had way too much fun playing with the CGI though--he goes so far as to make naked ladies jiggle more, add more blood and goo, and make the entire film an ugly mess.

Less is more, Kaufman, even for Troma. I don't want to know about what goes on at Nuke 'Em High anymore, thanks anyway.

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23: BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007)

At one point, I had this pegged as the all-time worst movie I'd seen. It's still very much worthy of that title, but shockingly, I have seen worse movies now.

This might stand as the worst western I know of though. The fact that Uwe Boll took the BloodRayne franchise to the wild west is head-scratching as it is, although I suspect he wanted to ape other western horror hybrids like John Carpenter's Vampires or From Dusk Till Dawn. Boll's film doesn't have the energy of either, or even the first BloodRayne. Deliverance hardly ever moves--the whole movie is stuck in one place, focused on a fistful of drab characters with very little redeeming quality or action. The boring story is captured with wavering cameras that will make you sick, and shoddy editing. Zach Ward and Natassia Malthe do the best they can, but that's it. Watching this movie is like panning for gold--you'll be hard-pressed to find any valuable nuggets.

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22: Murder By Television (1935)

The 1930s might be my least-favorite decade in film (sorry Marx Bros fans). Bella Lugosi might be one of my least-favorite actors (sorry Dracula fans). He put out some stinkers back in the day--I'm pretty sure Murder by Television is one of the worst, if not THE worst.

In the days before television, this film presented the terrifying concept that a television might just kill you! The film plays out as a whodunit, limiting the action to a single house and a roomful of boring characters. The mystery is not that compelling, and it takes way too long to reach a conclusion that's ultimately pretty daft (if not predictable--I mean, it's in the title, what do you expect?). There's some rather deplorable racism in the movie, on top of it being boring, bland, and weak. Lugosi does little to elevate this--the man has done better, and the 30s has seen greater cinematic heights than this.

And no, your TV won't kill you, this movie's science is pure nonsense!

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21: War Of The Robots (La Guerra Dei Robot) (1978)

See, it's films like this that makes me dislike Italian cinema sometimes.

War of the Robots looks ugly and cheap, but it's further unwatchable thanks to such weird acting (dubbing?), lame effects, and a boring script. There is some pew-pew-pew action, so I guess the film deserves points for its groovy sound effects. But the messy plot and nonexistent story makes this nearly unwatchable.

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To be continued...

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 3

Introduction and Updates
Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)

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60: Independence Daysaster (2013)

It should be clear what this movie is blatantly trying to rip off (although the flying alien ball machines seem ripped directly from Battleship).

There's nothing really new or memorable to this film--it's exactly what you expect, and it's not even silly enough to be taken as a pastiche. It's a bland, cliched alien invasion movie, made exceptionally stale with its cast of stock characters and a predictably lame script. Bad quality effects, performances, and editing only exacerbates the issue. There are better ways to spend your Fourth of July.

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59: 10.5 Apocalypse (2006)

Another three-hour disaster series, this time split into three parts. It's digestible, but hardly good. Disaster scenes are as cheap as all the others, and they're framed within bland, cliched scenes of melodrama and intrigue. The film strives to be taken seriously and put a humanitarian spin on the mass destruction, but any emotion is barely felt when the camera refuses to sit still and the performances come off as forced. At this point I barely even remember most of it.

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58: Seed (2007)
Max Seed demonstrates the effectiveness of a homemade mask while using public transportation during the pandemic...

There comes a point where Uwe Boll trying so hard to be the ultimate edgelord of film becomes annoying and garish. I honestly wanted to like this film (and did for a while), but I can't deny any longer that it's largely exploitative trash.

Boll spends much of this absurd picture shoving grotesque and provocative scenes in our faces, all of which could have been tastefully excised without affecting the story or tone. As it is though, the film is a painful watch, and not in a profound way as the director may intend. The story's thin and absurd, and is made much more droll with excessive padding. The cheap production, uneven camera work, and lame acting makes this feel even more tasteless. 

Somehow, this film has a sequel that I still haven't seen. I can't even...

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57: Return To House On Haunted Hill (2007)
Dr. Vannacutt about to lay down some sick beats

Big fan of 1999's House on Haunted Hill here (totally on my guilty pleasure list). This direct-to-video sequel really doesn't do it for me though--and it really says a lot since I went through a phase where I ate up cheap, schlocky, gory horror flicks like this.

Even if you're a gorehound, there's little to like here--the few gory scenes are few and far between (and not that impressive). It's all encased in a bland story, shot in a very bland and cheap way, featuring a weak script and weak performances.

On home video, this film included an odd feature in which you could chose some of the character decisions and supposedly change the story. You'd see some alternate scenes this way, but the story really doesn't change much. It's not much to begin with anyway.

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56: Arctic Blast (2010)

I gotta be honest, I keep getting this mixed up with 2012: Ice Age. Now that one's funny.

This, however, is one of the more straightforward disaster flicks, and it's utterly forgettable that way. It's as bland and cliched as it can be. Poor performances and effects help about as much as the uninspired writing. It's a film that promises a blast, but leaves audiences cold--so I guess it lives up to its title?

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55: Alone In The Dark (2005)
None of these people are alone though

Uwe Boll butchers another video game adaptation, this time casting Christian Slater in the cliched role of an action hero who fights monsters with the Army or some other nonsense. The story never really clicked for me on this one--it just feels like a bunch of other, better movies rolled into one. The soundtrack choices feel out-of-place. Action scenes, while watchable, won't leave much of an impact. And like before, this feels like it tries so hard to be edgy and cool, but isn't.

And what's up with that last shot? It's just the camera rushing right up to the main character's face. Did the cameraman ambush them for some reason? What the hell?

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54: Category 7: The End Of The World (2005)
Is he going to punch her or something? So misogynist...

Of all the disaster movies on this list, this is probably one of the longest (a three-hour miniseries). It'd be a hoot if it wasn't so long, bland, and boring. The actual disaster scenes offer too little too late, leaving lackluster and cliched performances and writing to fill up the roomy runtime. It's not that fun or memorable.

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53: Royal Kill (Ninja's Creed) (2009)

You'd think a movie about ninjas would be fun, but sadly there's little ninja combat in Royal Kill (aka Ninja's Creed, and in other places aka Ninja's Blade). In fact, there's very little to this movie at all, save for the few exciting shots of Gail Kim looking tough. Most of the movie looks like a bunch of guys just bummed around Washington DC, filmed random scenes, and patched it all together into a hodgepodge that doesn't really make sense. The fantasy art that's inserted throughout the film does little to cover up the plot holes, and actually makes the film look even cheaper. It's a royal disappointment.

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52: 2012 Doomsday (2008)

Another stale one from Asylum (and man, all these flicks about the 2012 doomsday phenomenon are just dated and stupid now). Like most others, this is a cheaply-shot, cheaply-edited affair with gaudy special effects and grating performances. The script is as dumb as they come (I mean, the Earth stops spinning, come on). The plot is riddled with errors and pacing issues. There are also times where the film aims to beat its audience over the head with messages about faith or something. Don't really know what to take away from the film or why anybody should care--it all just falls flat.

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51: In The Name Of The King 2: Two Worlds (2011)
You are one ugly mother...also, a dragon.

I have a feeling that two things aligned for this movie--first, a second Two Worlds game came out, so this movie only adds to the confusion. Second, Dolph Lundgren needed a job. Or else he got bored. Either way, Uwe Boll delivers a second Dungeon Siege tale, and we all wish he hadn't.

The production quality, computer effects, performances, and script are all somehow a peg lower than the first movie. That might be a feat in itself. It would be a hoot if the film itself wasn't such a bland, boring affair. The Dungeon Siege brand deserves better than this (alas, there is a third film I still haven't seen--I'm kind of afraid to now).

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50: The 7 Adventures Of Sinbad (2010)

This Asylum knock-off reimagines Sinbad on a modern-day island with guns ablazin'. I have a feeling this was meant to trick you into thinking it's a Tomb Raider thing, I dunno.

Like most other films on this list, this one is rather bland, boring, and poorly-made. Bad performances, editing, and writing makes all seven adventures a drag--not that I even remember what those adventures even were.

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49: Hirokin: The Last Samurai (2012)

At first glance, this looked like something I'd appreciate--a space adventure with samurai, what's not to love?

Unfortunately, the film's budget and execution left much to be desired. It's a cheap-looking and gaudy film where the action is spaced very far apart, and the rest is a bland, droll, cliched affair. Despite a unique setpiece involving giant spikes and such, the story remained unengaging.

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48: The Werewolf Of Washington (1973)
Man, what did Dean Stockwell do to deserve this? This sketchy flick is as cheap and shoddy as they come, and despite its outlandish premise, it's surprisingly dull and unengaging. Stockwell's performance just barely saves the film though. Watching the gaudy makeup effects and watching Stockwell crawl on the floor may be the film's highlight--regrettably, this didn't make werewolf movies great again.

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47: Piranha II: The Spawning (1982)
They fly now? They fly now!

I refuse to believe that my favorite film director, James Cameron, made this schlock (from what I understand, this abomination is mostly Ovidio G. Assonitis' work anyway). I guess everybody has to start somewhere, and at least this flick has some underwater footage.

The film lacks all the charm of Joe Dante's original, and is further dulled by its cheap, garish production. It's all so bland and ugly-looking that it's painful and dull to watch. Even the swarms of flying piranha (the byproduct of such a stupid B-movie plotline) looks bad. A few cheap bits of exploitation do little to distract from the film's awfulness. Actual piranhas would be less painful than this.

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46: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!

This is about as schlocky and dumb as its title suggests. So dumb it's kind of hard to laugh at the absurdity--the camp almost makes the inevitability of Santa confronting martians seem mundane. The production looks about as cheap as a school Christmas play. Performances are horrible to the point of inducing more cringes than laughter. It's almost to the point where it seems like the film tries too hard to reach that "so bad it's good" moniker--I want to laugh at this nonsense, but I find myself more annoyed than amused.

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45: Almighty Thor (2011)
Almighty bored

Almighty Thor obviously rips off...well, Thor, duh.

There's very little to distinguish this film from any of the others. It amounts to watching a guy with a hammer bash things with horrid special effects. The poor cinematography, editing, and performances drags pins this experience down, and it's impossible to pick up any sense of "fun." Chris Hemsworth is worthier.

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44: Starship Troopers 2: Hero Of The Federation (2004)

While Paul Verhoeven's Starship Troopers is a wonderful bloodbath with a candy-coated tone (is it irony? *gasp!*), its sequel is a bore-fest. The film bears a cheap, made-for-TV quality. I'm not sure who greenlit this story, but whether for budget or for creative reasons, the film abandons its origins as a war movie and becomes more of a small-scale thriller ala Resident Evil--the limited sets, the lack of action, and the focus on mood and scares really constricts the film and robs it of all excitement and tension. Special effects aren't even up to snuff. Story and characters are droll and not at all memorable.

This film is simply not doing its part. You won't want to know more.

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43: Vampires: Los Muertos
Vampires wanted...dead or alive

I never was all that enamored by John Carpenter's Vampires to begin with, but at least it has a good lead, good music, and a few memorable setpieces. This direct-to-video sequel rehashes the original with a much blander style and a more boring cast. Jon Bon Jovi is no James Woods, and he doesn't even offer any fresh music for this. The story and characters fall flat. There's barely any excitement or scares to this movie. Just thinking about this movie drains my blood--that's how much it sucks.

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42: They Came From Beyond Space (1967)

It's about as lame as it sounds. Given that the 50s was loaded with so much schlocky sci-fi and B-movies, this 60s film (one that recycles sets and props from a Dr. Who movie) offers nothing really new. And it's a shame because the title alone elicits mystery--who are "they" and what is "beyond space?" This would have piqued my interest a lot of the film revealed itself to be a Lovecraftian odyssey--alas, it boils down to a typical thriller in which scientists discover government conspiracies and aliens doing alien things (via alien rocks nonetheless). As cheap and bland as the film is, it's a boring affair that strings together droll cliches into the semblance of a plotline. Characters are boring caricatures. When the final reveal shows aliens to be a bunch of pale dudes in robes, I just can't even bring myself to care.

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41: The Angry Red Planet (1959)

This is a pretty threadbare story as it is, amounting to little more than a bunch of astronauts landing on Mars then getting the heck out once they face danger at every turn (including some kind of rat/bat/spider thing that makes TIE fighter noises?). What I find most unwatchable about this movie is the way it's shot--once they reach Mars, the entire film has a solarized effect that renders every scene blood-red. I understand the redness, but the solarizing? My eyes hurt!

There's little else memorable to this film--it's cheaply made and it doesn't offer much of a story. Even by 1950s standards, you can do better.

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