Part 1 (100 - 81)
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80: Alien From L.A. (1988)
Last time I checked, this was pretty close to the end of imdb’s bottom 100 list. It’s there for a good reason: despite one or two charming moments, the film is not all that funny or fun. You'd think a movie about a nerdy girl going on an underground adventure into Atlantis could be fun, but it's actually a pretty daft. Cheap production quality makes the experience garish, and the film leaves no lasting impact.
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79: Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)
In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!
It's a movie about Nazis in the Earth's core, and they reincarnated Hitler as a cyborg, so what's not to love?
Like many other Asylum pictures, this is a shallow and cheap movie that offers a funny premise in terrible quality. This one is especially disappointing in how vapid and slowly-paced it is, largely because the film takes itself pretty seriously. Bland characters with no motivation, bad editing, and bad effects drag the experience way down.
It's a movie about Nazis in the Earth's core, and they reincarnated Hitler as a cyborg, so what's not to love?
Like many other Asylum pictures, this is a shallow and cheap movie that offers a funny premise in terrible quality. This one is especially disappointing in how vapid and slowly-paced it is, largely because the film takes itself pretty seriously. Bland characters with no motivation, bad editing, and bad effects drag the experience way down.
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78: HG Wells' War Of The Worlds (2005)
HG Wells deserves better than this. While this version of War of the Worlds makes at least some effort to remain true to the source material, it's a slog of a movie and is not particularly memorable. At it's best, it's bland--at its worst though, you can definitely expect poor special effects, lame acting, and cheap quality to sully the experience. While the other versions of this story never really adapted Wells' story accurately, they're at least more watchable than this.
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77: Beneath Loch Ness (2002)
You'd think a campy monster film set in Loch Ness would be fun. This direct-to-video flick skimps on the camp and offers a straight-faced thriller that's not very exciting or memorable. Special effects are so poor that they fail to live up to the hype of seeing an actual Loch Ness monster. It's all framed in a bland story full of stock characters who speak in horrible, inauthentic accents. It's all a cheap and ugly affair--you'd have a funner time visiting Lake Placid.
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76: Apocalypse 2012: The World After Time Ends (2011)
Remember when the world ended in 2012? Yeah, I don't either. Just a year before the apocalypse that never happened, this documentary aired as pure fearmongering fodder. Cheaply slapped together with stock footage, bad special effects, and some talking heads from crackpots, the film peddles pseudoscience and myth to hypothesize what would come, and make suggestions on how we should live our lives in a post-2012 world. Given that we're all still here and little had changed, the film is now just a funny relic from a brief time when people put serious credence into a ridiculous doomsday theory. It was funny then, but it's probably funnier now.
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75: Barbarella (1968)
Granted that I don't really know how the original Barbarella
comic is, I really couldn't stomach this movie as the titular queen of
the galaxy spends the whole runtime acting stupid and being victimized.
Even if this is the movie's point, it makes for a very boring plotline,
where Barbarella outlasts every obstacle through objectification and
accidents, before some character comes along to infodump things on her.
Not to mention, the film is famously garish with its unbelievably cheap
quality--a shag carpet spaceship, plastic vehicles, everything is just
fake-looking.
The only thing less palatable is Jane Fonda herself, of whom I'm decidedly not a fan. Nearly every role I see her in, I find myself annoyed, but this is is by far the role I hate her in the most. I went into this movie wanting to see a good heroine in space--she delivered narcissism masked by female objectification and hippy-age nonsense. Robert Rodriguez and Nicholas Winding Refn were both pegged to remake this schlock--I have hope that somebody will resurrect this franchise eventually and make it better.
Making a sequel to Cameron's Titanic was always a film lover's joke, but it looks like somebody took it too seriously. Asylum (of course) unleashed this droll, cheap disaster flick under the unimaginative premise that a second Titanic ship was built. The film that follows is itself a disaster, lackluster in its acting, photography, and effects. As straight as the movie plays it, it's not terribly memorable--maybe an added sharknado would have helped?
I have no idea who asked for a remake of the gritty 1975 film, and I certainly don't know anybody who'd take what John McTiernan did to this story. It's the same old death sport shenanigans, but made a lot more unbearable thanks to a garish production quality (one that actually makes the Rollerball matches painfully tight within plastic-looking corridors and such--this sport doesn't look all that badass anymore, jeez). The film is even more unwatchable during one awful sequence filmed entirely in night-vision. An all-star cast and a hip soundtrack can't save this stale film from being so bland, ugly, and unmemorable.
The only thing less palatable is Jane Fonda herself, of whom I'm decidedly not a fan. Nearly every role I see her in, I find myself annoyed, but this is is by far the role I hate her in the most. I went into this movie wanting to see a good heroine in space--she delivered narcissism masked by female objectification and hippy-age nonsense. Robert Rodriguez and Nicholas Winding Refn were both pegged to remake this schlock--I have hope that somebody will resurrect this franchise eventually and make it better.
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74: Titanic II (2010)
Making a sequel to Cameron's Titanic was always a film lover's joke, but it looks like somebody took it too seriously. Asylum (of course) unleashed this droll, cheap disaster flick under the unimaginative premise that a second Titanic ship was built. The film that follows is itself a disaster, lackluster in its acting, photography, and effects. As straight as the movie plays it, it's not terribly memorable--maybe an added sharknado would have helped?
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73: Rollerball (2002)
I have no idea who asked for a remake of the gritty 1975 film, and I certainly don't know anybody who'd take what John McTiernan did to this story. It's the same old death sport shenanigans, but made a lot more unbearable thanks to a garish production quality (one that actually makes the Rollerball matches painfully tight within plastic-looking corridors and such--this sport doesn't look all that badass anymore, jeez). The film is even more unwatchable during one awful sequence filmed entirely in night-vision. An all-star cast and a hip soundtrack can't save this stale film from being so bland, ugly, and unmemorable.
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72: Dragonball: Evolution (2009)
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| Cheer up Goku |
I'm not even a Dragonball fan per se, but even I know that a good Hollywood adaptation is not supposed to be like this.
James Wong's adaptation of the anime feels like a cheap kid's film--in particular, one that skimps out on quality effects and acting and cranks the cheese level up to an extreme degree. It also cheaps out on the script, delivering a shallow and contrived story with no characters to really like or root for. Even though the Watchowskis made Speed Racer a bit cartoonish and kid-friendly, it was still true to its source. And even The Last Airbender acted like it tried. This one--nah, Dragonball deserved better.
James Wong's adaptation of the anime feels like a cheap kid's film--in particular, one that skimps out on quality effects and acting and cranks the cheese level up to an extreme degree. It also cheaps out on the script, delivering a shallow and contrived story with no characters to really like or root for. Even though the Watchowskis made Speed Racer a bit cartoonish and kid-friendly, it was still true to its source. And even The Last Airbender acted like it tried. This one--nah, Dragonball deserved better.
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71: Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)
Okay, this is a little better than the 2000 film...except when it isn't.
The film does have the merit of a better-looking production, edgier
graphics, and a more serious cast. It's also more devoid of
spirit--without that goofy "so bad it's good" camp, the film comes off
as drab and stale. Bruce Payne is the only returning figure here (and
he's a hoot as always), but the film leaves even less of an impact as
its predecessor. And that says a lot.
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70: Heart Of America (2002)
Heart of America
is what you get when a German doctor wants to make films and use them
as a platform to bellow vague opinions on hot topic issues--in this
case, school shootings. Uwe Boll shows no subtlety in handling such
sensitive topics, and the film is laughably cliched in the way it shows
bullying and domestic problems. At its worst, the film even comes off as
exploitative, thanks to the way Boll shoots violence, filthy details,
and sex as a way to jazz up the film with shock value, but without
layering the necessary emotional oomph.
Those are just the overarching story problems--the film is further hampered by its cheap look and glaring continuity errors. The actors do the best they can, but the writing does poor justice to their talents and the story's ambitions. The film's watchable (and hell, Ron Howard liked it), but I saw little to admire personally.
Divorced from Stephen King and George Romero, this is really only Creepshow in name. Lame animations and god-awful CGI effects bookend this collection of tales, all of which are presented in dubious quality. I honestly don't mind some of them, but the tone is all over the place and the horror never really hits home. The film looks cheap and awful. Performances aren't up to snuff. I don't even know how or why this exists--we're good with the first two films, thanks anyway.
A John Carter knock-off (from Asylum--of course it would be one of their things). While the 2012 film aims for spectacle, iconography, and adventure, this earlier B-movie lacks all of that and has about as much excitement as a wet cloth. Performances are laughably campy. Action and special effects are lame. The movie looks cheap and ugly. Chances are you'd only watch it because you mistook it for another film (or maybe Traci Lords caught your eye?).
Still hyped from her Battlestar Galactica fame, Katee Sackhoff flexes her muscles in this cheap, bland flick that would have excited me years ago, but is now entirely forgettable. It amounts to a stale plot involving supersoldiers and cyborgs, all ripped from films that have handled the tropes and settings in better quality. There is action and it tries so hard to have an edge, but with the bland production quality and effects, it barely leaves a mark.
The found footage genre reaches space! Conceptually, this film achieves what it wants to fine, but I still think it's quite the drab film and an uninspired story. The film dryly moonwalks through the usual array of horror-movie tricks, using a cast of cardboard-cutout characters to guide us to a disappointing payoff. I didn't like the film's style to begin with, but the meat of it is not particularly fulfilling either.
Those are just the overarching story problems--the film is further hampered by its cheap look and glaring continuity errors. The actors do the best they can, but the writing does poor justice to their talents and the story's ambitions. The film's watchable (and hell, Ron Howard liked it), but I saw little to admire personally.
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69: Creepshow 3 (2006)
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| The cake eater is a lie |
Divorced from Stephen King and George Romero, this is really only Creepshow in name. Lame animations and god-awful CGI effects bookend this collection of tales, all of which are presented in dubious quality. I honestly don't mind some of them, but the tone is all over the place and the horror never really hits home. The film looks cheap and awful. Performances aren't up to snuff. I don't even know how or why this exists--we're good with the first two films, thanks anyway.
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68: Princess Of Mars (2009)
A John Carter knock-off (from Asylum--of course it would be one of their things). While the 2012 film aims for spectacle, iconography, and adventure, this earlier B-movie lacks all of that and has about as much excitement as a wet cloth. Performances are laughably campy. Action and special effects are lame. The movie looks cheap and ugly. Chances are you'd only watch it because you mistook it for another film (or maybe Traci Lords caught your eye?).
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67: The Last Sentinel (2007)
Still hyped from her Battlestar Galactica fame, Katee Sackhoff flexes her muscles in this cheap, bland flick that would have excited me years ago, but is now entirely forgettable. It amounts to a stale plot involving supersoldiers and cyborgs, all ripped from films that have handled the tropes and settings in better quality. There is action and it tries so hard to have an edge, but with the bland production quality and effects, it barely leaves a mark.
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66: Apollo 18 (2011)
The found footage genre reaches space! Conceptually, this film achieves what it wants to fine, but I still think it's quite the drab film and an uninspired story. The film dryly moonwalks through the usual array of horror-movie tricks, using a cast of cardboard-cutout characters to guide us to a disappointing payoff. I didn't like the film's style to begin with, but the meat of it is not particularly fulfilling either.
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65: House Of The Dead (2003)
In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!
You remember those House of the Dead games where you pick up a gun and shoot at zombies on a screen? Well, the film will make sure you remember, because for some weird reason it intercut scenes from the game into its action sequences. Nothing takes you out of a movie more than a few random seconds of video game clips that remind you of potentially better media. Nice going Uwe.
Like other Boll movies, this one tries so hard to be edgy, dark, and cool, but all the stylistic flourishes (which includes Matrix-style bullet-time camera rotations) and gore can't lift the film beyond its cheap look, the horrible performances, and the stupidity of the script. You can watch this for a laugh (and I believe a "funny cut" exists that would further exaggerate the "so bad it's good" effect). Most folks would be better off not watching it at all.
You remember those House of the Dead games where you pick up a gun and shoot at zombies on a screen? Well, the film will make sure you remember, because for some weird reason it intercut scenes from the game into its action sequences. Nothing takes you out of a movie more than a few random seconds of video game clips that remind you of potentially better media. Nice going Uwe.
Like other Boll movies, this one tries so hard to be edgy, dark, and cool, but all the stylistic flourishes (which includes Matrix-style bullet-time camera rotations) and gore can't lift the film beyond its cheap look, the horrible performances, and the stupidity of the script. You can watch this for a laugh (and I believe a "funny cut" exists that would further exaggerate the "so bad it's good" effect). Most folks would be better off not watching it at all.
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64: The Day The Earth Stopped (2008)
You might not remember how in 2008 Keanu Reeves starred in a remake for The Day The Earth Stood Still.
This film is the obligatory mockbuster meant to confuse you into
watching a laughably inferior film (and it really says something
considering that the '08 Day the Earth Stood Still was met with more yawns than applause).
The premise is the same, but not nearly as memorable or pointed. Bland photography, editing, production quality, and effects makes this a droll experience. Can't say I remember a thing about Judd Nelson's performance, but I'm almost willing to cut the film some slack for Sinead McCafferty (even then, might be more because of the amount of skin she bares). Writing is bad, especially in the way it pompously loads up the movie with preachy monologues. You'd be better off watching the 1951 original.
In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good! Somebody posted this entire movie on Youtube.
I suspect Mark Hamill needed money in '97.
Laserhawk offers an interesting premise--one that surprisingly mirrors Jupiter Ascending. Laserhawk, however, is a far cheaper movie with a lamer script. The action is ambitious and explosive, but performances (except maybe Hamill) leave much to be desired. The cheap props and effects won't elicit much excitement. It's not a total bore though--the camp and schlock keeps it about as lightweight and watchable as those Nemesis flicks.
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The premise is the same, but not nearly as memorable or pointed. Bland photography, editing, production quality, and effects makes this a droll experience. Can't say I remember a thing about Judd Nelson's performance, but I'm almost willing to cut the film some slack for Sinead McCafferty (even then, might be more because of the amount of skin she bares). Writing is bad, especially in the way it pompously loads up the movie with preachy monologues. You'd be better off watching the 1951 original.
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63: Laserhawk (1997)
In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good! Somebody posted this entire movie on Youtube.
I suspect Mark Hamill needed money in '97.
Laserhawk offers an interesting premise--one that surprisingly mirrors Jupiter Ascending. Laserhawk, however, is a far cheaper movie with a lamer script. The action is ambitious and explosive, but performances (except maybe Hamill) leave much to be desired. The cheap props and effects won't elicit much excitement. It's not a total bore though--the camp and schlock keeps it about as lightweight and watchable as those Nemesis flicks.
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62: Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
So Bad, It's Good!
An infamous piece of schlock from the infamous Ed Wood--Plan 9 is an ambitious picture that encapsulates the mysteries of flying saucers and the living dead, but the film shows zero competence to sell itself. The cheap production doesn't help, but the performances are laughably over-the-top, the shortcuts are glaring, and the mistakes are obvious. What's worse is that the film is loaded with exposition-heavy dialogue that will beat you over the head with its message in its last scene (well, wait a minute, this film was funded by preachers wasn't it? Maybe some preaching is to be expected--I don't mind hearing it from Criswell).
To be continued...
An infamous piece of schlock from the infamous Ed Wood--Plan 9 is an ambitious picture that encapsulates the mysteries of flying saucers and the living dead, but the film shows zero competence to sell itself. The cheap production doesn't help, but the performances are laughably over-the-top, the shortcuts are glaring, and the mistakes are obvious. What's worse is that the film is loaded with exposition-heavy dialogue that will beat you over the head with its message in its last scene (well, wait a minute, this film was funded by preachers wasn't it? Maybe some preaching is to be expected--I don't mind hearing it from Criswell).
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61: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Oh yeah, this is a movie that pits a ginormous shark against a ginormous octopus. Sounds like a winner, right?
Nope. It's as stupid as it sounds. The film does aim for absurdity that will elicit a laugh or two (the shark leaps out of the water to catch a passenger airliner--what's not to love). Beyond those moments though, the film is barely memorable with its bland cast, production quality, and horrid effects. Unnecessary camera shake aggravates more than helps. The actual monster battles amount to little more than a CGI mess that's recycled over and over again. Everything else is surprisingly boring.
Nope. It's as stupid as it sounds. The film does aim for absurdity that will elicit a laugh or two (the shark leaps out of the water to catch a passenger airliner--what's not to love). Beyond those moments though, the film is barely memorable with its bland cast, production quality, and horrid effects. Unnecessary camera shake aggravates more than helps. The actual monster battles amount to little more than a CGI mess that's recycled over and over again. Everything else is surprisingly boring.
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To be continued...
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