Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)
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60: Independence Daysaster (2013)
60: Independence Daysaster (2013)
It
should be clear what this movie is blatantly trying to rip off
(although the flying alien ball machines seem ripped directly from Battleship).
There's
nothing really new or memorable to this film--it's exactly what you
expect, and it's not even silly enough to be taken as a pastiche. It's a
bland, cliched alien invasion movie, made exceptionally stale with its
cast of stock characters and a predictably lame script. Bad quality
effects, performances, and editing only exacerbates the issue. There are
better ways to spend your Fourth of July.
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59: 10.5 Apocalypse (2006)
Another three-hour disaster series, this time split into three parts.
It's digestible, but hardly good. Disaster scenes are as cheap as all
the others, and they're framed within bland, cliched scenes of melodrama
and intrigue. The film strives to be taken seriously and put a
humanitarian spin on the mass destruction, but any emotion is barely
felt when the camera refuses to sit still and the performances come off
as forced. At this point I barely even remember most of it.
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58: Seed (2007)
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| Max Seed demonstrates the effectiveness of a homemade mask while using public transportation during the pandemic... |
There
comes a point where Uwe Boll trying so hard to be the ultimate edgelord
of film becomes annoying and garish. I honestly wanted to like this
film (and did for a while), but I can't deny any longer that it's
largely exploitative trash.
Boll spends much of this absurd
picture shoving grotesque and provocative scenes in our faces, all of
which could have been tastefully excised without affecting the story or
tone. As it is though, the film is a painful watch, and not in a
profound way as the director may intend. The story's thin and absurd,
and is made much more droll with excessive padding. The cheap
production, uneven camera work, and lame acting makes this feel even
more tasteless.
Somehow, this film has a sequel that I still haven't seen. I can't even...
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57: Return To House On Haunted Hill (2007)
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| Dr. Vannacutt about to lay down some sick beats |
Big fan of 1999's House on Haunted Hill
here (totally on my guilty pleasure list). This direct-to-video sequel
really doesn't do it for me though--and it really says a lot since I
went through a phase where I ate up cheap, schlocky, gory horror flicks
like this.
Even if you're a gorehound, there's little to like
here--the few gory scenes are few and far between (and not that
impressive). It's all encased in a bland story, shot in a very bland and
cheap way, featuring a weak script and weak performances.
On home
video, this film included an odd feature in which you could chose some
of the character decisions and supposedly change the story. You'd see
some alternate scenes this way, but the story really doesn't change
much. It's not much to begin with anyway.
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56: Arctic Blast (2010)
I gotta be honest, I keep getting this mixed up with 2012: Ice Age. Now that one's funny.
This,
however, is one of the more straightforward disaster flicks, and it's
utterly forgettable that way. It's as bland and cliched as it can be.
Poor performances and effects help about as much as the uninspired
writing. It's a film that promises a blast, but leaves audiences
cold--so I guess it lives up to its title?
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55: Alone In The Dark (2005)
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| None of these people are alone though |
Uwe
Boll butchers another video game adaptation, this time casting
Christian Slater in the cliched role of an action hero who fights monsters
with the Army or some other nonsense. The story never really clicked for
me on this one--it just feels like a bunch of other, better movies
rolled into one. The soundtrack choices feel out-of-place. Action
scenes, while watchable, won't leave much of an impact. And like before,
this feels like it tries so hard to be edgy and cool, but isn't.
And
what's up with that last shot? It's just the camera rushing right up to
the main character's face. Did the cameraman ambush them for some
reason? What the hell?
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54: Category 7: The End Of The World (2005)
 |
| Is he going to punch her or something? So misogynist... |
Of all the disaster movies on this list, this is probably one of the
longest (a three-hour miniseries). It'd be a hoot if it wasn't so long,
bland, and boring. The actual disaster scenes offer too little too late,
leaving lackluster and cliched performances and writing to fill up the
roomy runtime. It's not that fun or memorable.
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53: Royal Kill (Ninja's Creed) (2009)
You'd think a movie about ninjas would be fun, but sadly there's little ninja combat in Royal Kill (aka Ninja's Creed, and in other places aka Ninja's Blade).
In fact, there's very little to this movie at all, save for the few
exciting shots of Gail Kim looking tough. Most of the movie looks like a
bunch of guys just bummed around Washington DC, filmed random scenes,
and patched it all together into a hodgepodge that doesn't really make
sense. The fantasy art that's inserted throughout the film does little
to cover up the plot holes, and actually makes the film look even
cheaper. It's a royal disappointment.
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52: 2012 Doomsday (2008)
Another stale one from Asylum (and man, all these flicks about the 2012
doomsday phenomenon are just dated and stupid now). Like most others,
this is a cheaply-shot, cheaply-edited affair with gaudy special effects
and grating performances. The script is as dumb as they come (I mean,
the Earth stops spinning, come on). The plot is riddled with errors and
pacing issues. There are also times where the film aims to beat its
audience over the head with messages about faith or something. Don't
really know what to take away from the film or why anybody should
care--it all just falls flat.
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51: In The Name Of The King 2: Two Worlds (2011)
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| You are one ugly mother...also, a dragon. |
I have a feeling that two things aligned for this movie--first, a second Two Worlds
game came out, so this movie only adds to the confusion. Second, Dolph
Lundgren needed a job. Or else he got bored. Either way, Uwe Boll
delivers a second Dungeon Siege tale, and we all wish he hadn't.
The
production quality, computer effects, performances, and script are all
somehow a peg lower than the first movie. That might be a feat in
itself. It would be a hoot if the film itself wasn't such a bland,
boring affair. The Dungeon Siege brand deserves better than this (alas, there is a third film I still haven't seen--I'm kind of afraid to now).
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50: The 7 Adventures Of Sinbad (2010)
This
Asylum knock-off reimagines Sinbad on a modern-day island with guns
ablazin'. I have a feeling this was meant to trick you into thinking
it's a Tomb Raider thing, I dunno.
Like most other films on this list, this one is rather bland, boring, and poorly-made. Bad performances, editing, and writing makes all seven adventures a drag--not that I even remember what those adventures even were.
Like most other films on this list, this one is rather bland, boring, and poorly-made. Bad performances, editing, and writing makes all seven adventures a drag--not that I even remember what those adventures even were.
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49: Hirokin: The Last Samurai (2012)
At first glance, this looked like something I'd appreciate--a space adventure with samurai, what's not to love?
Unfortunately, the film's budget and execution left much to be desired. It's a cheap-looking and gaudy film where the action is spaced very far apart, and the rest is a bland, droll, cliched affair. Despite a unique setpiece involving giant spikes and such, the story remained unengaging.
Unfortunately, the film's budget and execution left much to be desired. It's a cheap-looking and gaudy film where the action is spaced very far apart, and the rest is a bland, droll, cliched affair. Despite a unique setpiece involving giant spikes and such, the story remained unengaging.
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48: The Werewolf Of Washington (1973)
Man, what did Dean Stockwell do to deserve this? This sketchy flick is
as cheap and shoddy as they come, and despite its outlandish premise,
it's surprisingly dull and unengaging. Stockwell's performance just
barely saves the film though. Watching the gaudy makeup effects and
watching Stockwell crawl on the floor may be the film's
highlight--regrettably, this didn't make werewolf movies great again.
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47: Piranha II: The Spawning (1982)
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| They fly now? They fly now! |
I
refuse to believe that my favorite film director, James Cameron, made this schlock
(from what I understand, this abomination is mostly Ovidio G. Assonitis'
work anyway). I guess everybody has to start somewhere, and at least
this flick has some underwater footage.
The film lacks all the
charm of Joe Dante's original, and is further dulled by its cheap,
garish production. It's all so bland and ugly-looking that it's painful
and dull to watch. Even the swarms of flying piranha (the byproduct of
such a stupid B-movie plotline) looks bad. A few cheap bits of
exploitation do little to distract from the film's awfulness. Actual
piranhas would be less painful than this.
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46: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!
This
is about as schlocky and dumb as its title suggests. So dumb it's kind
of hard to laugh at the absurdity--the camp almost makes the
inevitability of Santa confronting martians seem mundane. The production
looks about as cheap as a school Christmas play. Performances are
horrible to the point of inducing more cringes than laughter. It's
almost to the point where it seems like the film tries too hard to reach
that "so bad it's good" moniker--I want to laugh at this nonsense, but I
find myself more annoyed than amused.
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45: Almighty Thor (2011)
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| Almighty bored |
Almighty Thor obviously rips off...well, Thor, duh.
There's very little to distinguish this film from any of the others. It amounts to watching a guy with a hammer bash things with horrid special effects. The poor cinematography, editing, and performances drags pins this experience down, and it's impossible to pick up any sense of "fun." Chris Hemsworth is worthier.
There's very little to distinguish this film from any of the others. It amounts to watching a guy with a hammer bash things with horrid special effects. The poor cinematography, editing, and performances drags pins this experience down, and it's impossible to pick up any sense of "fun." Chris Hemsworth is worthier.
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44: Starship Troopers 2: Hero Of The Federation (2004)
While Paul Verhoeven's Starship Troopers
is a wonderful bloodbath with a candy-coated tone (is it irony?
*gasp!*), its sequel is a bore-fest. The film bears a cheap, made-for-TV
quality. I'm not sure who greenlit this story, but whether for budget
or for creative reasons, the film abandons its origins as a war movie
and becomes more of a small-scale thriller ala Resident Evil--the
limited sets, the lack of action, and the focus on mood and scares
really constricts the film and robs it of all excitement and tension.
Special effects aren't even up to snuff. Story and characters are droll
and not at all memorable.
This film is simply not doing its part. You won't want to know more.
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43: Vampires: Los Muertos
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| Vampires wanted...dead or alive |
I never was all that enamored by John Carpenter's Vampires to
begin with, but at least it has a good lead, good music, and a few
memorable setpieces. This direct-to-video sequel rehashes the original
with a much blander style and a more boring cast. Jon Bon Jovi is no
James Woods, and he doesn't even offer any fresh music for this. The
story and characters fall flat. There's barely any excitement or scares
to this movie. Just thinking about this movie drains my blood--that's
how much it sucks.
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42: They Came From Beyond Space (1967)
It's about as lame as it sounds. Given that the 50s was loaded with so
much schlocky sci-fi and B-movies, this 60s film (one that recycles sets
and props from a Dr. Who movie) offers nothing really new. And
it's a shame because the title alone elicits mystery--who are "they" and
what is "beyond space?" This would have piqued my interest a lot of the
film revealed itself to be a Lovecraftian odyssey--alas, it boils down
to a typical thriller in which scientists discover government
conspiracies and aliens doing alien things (via alien rocks
nonetheless). As cheap and bland as the film is, it's a boring affair
that strings together droll cliches into the semblance of a plotline.
Characters are boring caricatures. When the final reveal shows aliens to
be a bunch of pale dudes in robes, I just can't even bring myself to
care.
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41: The Angry Red Planet (1959)
This
is a pretty threadbare story as it is, amounting to little more than a
bunch of astronauts landing on Mars then getting the heck out once they
face danger at every turn (including some kind of rat/bat/spider thing
that makes TIE fighter noises?). What I find most unwatchable about this
movie is the way it's shot--once they reach Mars, the entire film has a
solarized effect that renders every scene blood-red. I understand the
redness, but the solarizing? My eyes hurt!
There's little else memorable to this film--it's cheaply made and it doesn't offer much of a story. Even by 1950s standards, you can do better.
There's little else memorable to this film--it's cheaply made and it doesn't offer much of a story. Even by 1950s standards, you can do better.
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