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April 30, 2020

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 4

Introduction and Updates
Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)
Part 3 (60 - 41)

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40: Future-Kill (1985)

This might be the worst movie with the best poster. HR Giger's artwork definitely drew my eye, whereas the movie itself drove my eyes away towards better movies of the era.

Future-Kill is basically one of those Terminator knock-offs. An especially cheap and cheesy one that looks garish and leaves no lasting impact. Some of the line delivery may be a bit laughable, but I struggle to recall any specific scene that would make this movie worth the time.

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39: Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes (Eroi Dell'Inferno) (1987)

This is advertised as the sequel for 1978's Inglorious Bastards (although I'm sure many folks would confuse this as a plug in for the 2009 Tarantino film). Hell’s Heroes shares the cheesy and absurd spirit as its predecessor, but without any particularly good story or characters worth rooting for (not even the Hammer can save this). Despite all the explosions and shootouts, the film looks so poor and bland that it becomes stiff and droll. It's not a memorable experience, not even for the wrong reasons.

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38: Vampires: The Turning (2005)

Yikes, they made yet another sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires! Only this time, it takes place in Thailand and now there's martial arts and biker gangs. Sounds fun, right?

Sadly, the film does little to cement its cooler aspects into anything cohesive. The story is bad, and it's crafted in poor quality. Even with the promise of exciting fight scenes, the film is surprisingly boring and forgettable. At this point, it doesn't even bear any resemblance to Carpenter's film.

Blade is not impressed.

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37: Gamera: Super Monster (Uchu Kaijû Gamera) (1980)
Gamera in the construction business

I'm not really a huge Gamera fan anyway, and the copy I have for this has really horrible quality. There is a chance I'll reevaluate this when it hits Blu-Ray later this year--you might have to take this one with a grain of salt.

This particular Gamera adventure is actually stitched together from previous films. Oddly, the film is further convoluted as it splices in additional footage from Battleship Yamato and Galaxy Express 999. Why though? I can't even handle seeing my animes mixed up with my live-action kaiju, this is madness!

It might be more an indication that many of the older Gamera pictures are cheap and silly, but I did find just about every scene in Super Monster to look stiff, garish, and cheap. Editing, especially in the slapdash way it mixes in the old footage with the new, is illogical and horrible. New scenes feature pretty bad acting and cheesy effects. I found it all borderline unwatchable, although seeing this with degraded VHS quality doesn't really help.

English dubbing is pretty dang funny though.

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36: Doomsday Machine (1972)
Have a relaxing apocalypse

So Bad, It's Good!

An ambitious end-of-the-world picture, in which astronauts leave a doomed Earth behind to find a new world to populate. Considering that the spaceship consists of a bunch of armchairs, the film becomes quite a laughable and entertaining hoot for its camp and cheapness. The story is marred by some really stupid twists and turns. It's definitely something that can't be taken seriously--if you don't, then you might get a good laugh out of this schlock.

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35: Battlespace (2006)

Kinda Good?

This straight-to-DVD flick earns its place on the list only by default--you only need a quick glance at select scenes to see just how cheap, gaudy, and amateurish the film is.

I gotta say though, for a movie this bad, it does show surprising ambition in its script and the way it optimizes its settings and special effects. The story has a way bigger scale than most sci-fi films Hollywood spits out. It aims to be thought-provoking and twisty, but it's ultimately a hard narrative to follow (or care about) that intimately. I do admire the way the special effects are used--however, they are pretty weak. There's more bad than good with this one, but it's an odd case where I find some of the good details interesting.

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34: Hard Gun (1996)

There are some nifty action scenes and stunts, but it's few and far between. And don't expect to see that much of Tony Jaa, even though his name and face are plastered all over the DVD cover. This is a disappointingly bland and aimless mess--the story is bloated with too many scenes that could have been excised easily, and the rest doesn't amount to much. It's all captured with bland photography and editing. I also can't overlook the fact that this film uses Eric Serra's score from GoldenEye--they couldn't be bothered to find their own music, huh?

On the other hand, if you watch this with English dubbing, it's pure comedy gold!

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33: Zaat (1971)
What is zat?

So Bad, It's Good!

The film showcases a mad scientists who turns into a gaudy green monster and attempts to transform all sea life on Earth. He proceeds to do so by using a squirt bottle.

The terrible laughs keep rolling in from there. There's a scummy, exploitative vibe to this cheap production, but it's hard to take this seriously when the bad acting, lack of logic, and rubber suits fail to impress. It is a hoot though to watch the guy in the terrible rubber suit terrorize ladies and deliver pompous evil monologues. Something this mutated and crazy could only come from Florida.

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32: Bridge To Hell (Un Ponte Per L'inferno) (1986)

Of all the Italian war adventures I managed to swallow, I remember this one the least. Cheap, cheesy, and droll, like all the others. I'm sure some folks will find some kind of "so bad it's good" charm to this, but I couldn't. I primarily remember a lot of shootouts, something something something bridge, and that's it. I don't remember much of a story, and I don't remember rooting for any good characters. This is a bridge too short.

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31: The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

I was willing to put up with all kinds of schlock for a laugh. Unfortunately, this one didn't elicit so much as a chuckle from me. The film is painfully bland and poor in its quality. I can't even take this seriously, seeing as the titular transplant is literally two guys in the same suit. I can barely even watch the film thanks to its ugly filming style, cheap production, and lame acting. Most of the characters are unlikable, and the story they go through is threadbare. Worst of all, the film bored me. How can a film this absurd and cheap be so boring? Somehow it succeeded.

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30: Auschwitz (2011)
Dr. Boll I presume?

Uwe Boll really wants you to feel for this one. He even goes so far to bookend the film with video of himself telling you directly how horrible the Holocaust is and the importance of not letting history repeat itself. Thanks Uwe, message received.

Auschwitz aims to elicit shock and tears by coldly focusing on the supposed ways Nazis massacred their victims in concentration camps. Unfortunately, Boll doesn't have nearly enough money to give Schindler's List competition. He must not have had enough actors to work with either, given that he plays one of the guards himself--I get the feeling he rounded up some buddies and shot this on a weekend. I found out recently that he had cut a large chunk of the story that found to be overly melodramatic, but to make up for it he patches in interviews--it does little to mask the film's shortcomings or make up for its lack of focus.

The film was famously controversial amidst fears that it would be overly-exploitative and tasteless. While it's not nearly as graphic or horrible as its reputation would suggest, I think it's still rather tasteless, thanks to the transparent way he chooses to show sadism and cruelty without subtlety. We're supposed to be moved and reach an understanding of the Holocaust's evil--instead, I can't help but to see this as a gaudy exercise in beating audiences over the head with shock, and the bad production quality doesn't sell it that well.

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29: Eaten Alive! (Mangiati Vivi!) (1980)

Cannibal movies are hardly high art as it is. I could forgive certain ones for specific reasons, but I couldn't find any good reason to forgive Umberto Lenzi's Eaten Alive! It's already a trashy, gut-wrenching experience with its gore, scenes of animal cruelty, rape, and of course cannibalism. What hurts this film the most is that it's so stale--the boundaries had already been pushed in better films within the genre, but this one offers nothing new to the story, characters, or style that sets it apart. It results in a very boring, tiresome affair that leaves no impact, despite how shocking it aims to be.

I don't even remember a thing about this movie now--I had only bought it for the soundtrack CD, because these Italian movies have pretty rad scores. Roberto Donati's music for this is really groovy--that's probably the film's sole highlight.

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28: The Human Centipede Part 3 (Final Sequence) (2015)

There's no classy or artistic way to mask just how disgusting and malevolent Tom Six's Human Centipede trilogy is. The first film is just stupid and schlocky, almost laughably so. The second one though--yeesh. Some of that can't be unseen. I give those two some leeway for some reason or another--for the third one though, I can't even...

While not as disgusting as the second film, the third sequence still has enough grotesqueness and violence to make the experience ugly and grating. It's almost unwatchable, thanks largely to Dieter Laser constantly yelling at people. I especially hated the few scenes where he blatantly exploits or violates Bree Olson's character. When there is an actual human centipede shown (the longest of the series), it doesn't really elicit shock, it's actually kinda boring at this point.

An alternate ending was filmed that would have tied this up with the first film and turned it into something meta. I actually would have appreciated that angle a little more than what's in the final product. The whole series is trash though.

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27: Moonshine Mountain (1964)

One can't expect that much class out of a Herschell Gordon Lewis film, but even by his standards, this is pretty lame. Moonshine Mountain looks cheap and bad. Some folks might get a "so bad it's good" vibe from the campy performances, but the god-awful country singing, poor quality, and a surprising lack of gore makes it a forgettable farce for me. I found it boring and borderline unwatchable. It really says something when I'm more willing to sit through Blood Feast or The Wizard of Gore than 90 minutes of this hillbilly nonsense.

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26: Zeta One (The Love Factor) (1969)

To be fair, I couldn't expect much from this psychedelic exploitation comedy. The film does deliver on its promise to show off as much skin as tastefully possible, so I ought to appreciate that.

For a film that directly parodies the British spy genre and classic sci-fi, it's not particularly funny. It's a long, dry, plot-less affair, offering no characters worth rooting for and no specific scenes that makes this worth watching (except maybe that strip poker scene, but even that's rather dry). I'm especially not fond of the film's style, which manages to look even cheaper and more garish than Barbarella. I would watch anything for love, but not The Love Factor.

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25: Police Academy: Mission To Moscow (1994)

Seventh in the series--the returns had diminished so greatly at this point that the cast scrapes the bottom of the vodka bottle to find any good laughs. Most of this movie consists of pratfalls, buffoonery, and shenanigans that try too hard to elicit laughter that's never fully earned--the setups and payoffs simply don't line up. The film really beats you over the head with funny faces, cartoony sound effects, and people tripping over each other, and it all comes off as cringey. The story is daft and it gives the characters little time to shine. Even the remaining cast from the originals struggle to maintain their charm--they're champs for staying in the series this long, but aside from the horse stunts in the end credits, they deserved a better send-off.

Easily the worst and least-funny comedy I know of. Heck, Blubberella is funnier than this. It's rather disappointing since I still admire the first Police Academy and consider it one of the best. Compare the two and maybe you'll have a good lesson on what comedy works and what doesn't.

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24: Return To...Return To Nuke 'Em High (aka Volume 2) (2017)

When people think of indulgence in the cinematic arts, they might point to George Lucas and his Star Wars prequels, Spielberg's Hook, all of Baz Luhrman's musicals, and countless more examples. There's only so much the eyes can take before it all starts to become an ugly blur, so full of noise and mayhem that it makes you want to throw up. Fortunately, most films don't push me that far--but this one did. Of all the messes that exist, this abominable thing that Lloyd Kaufman smashed together represents the absolute worst qualities of indulgent creativity (if it can even be called creative).

I mean, sure, it's a Troma film, so what could I expect? I enjoyed so many of these on a "so bad it's good level," including the original Class of Nuke 'Em High. The thing is, most of these films managed to pace themselves and inject comedy that elicited genuine laughter. But Volume 2 of Return of Nuke 'Em High shows no restraint at all--it's a bizarre and plot-less menagerie of obnoxiously unfunny jokes, sickening gore and filth, and garish special effects. The film is barely even watchable. Kaufman inserts himself into the film repeatedly, aiming for some kind of meta-humor as if trying to lift the film into some kind of wall-breaking avant-garde masterpiece. I get the feeling the dude locked himself in the editing room and had way too much fun playing with the CGI though--he goes so far as to make naked ladies jiggle more, add more blood and goo, and make the entire film an ugly mess.

Less is more, Kaufman, even for Troma. I don't want to know about what goes on at Nuke 'Em High anymore, thanks anyway.

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23: BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007)

At one point, I had this pegged as the all-time worst movie I'd seen. It's still very much worthy of that title, but shockingly, I have seen worse movies now.

This might stand as the worst western I know of though. The fact that Uwe Boll took the BloodRayne franchise to the wild west is head-scratching as it is, although I suspect he wanted to ape other western horror hybrids like John Carpenter's Vampires or From Dusk Till Dawn. Boll's film doesn't have the energy of either, or even the first BloodRayne. Deliverance hardly ever moves--the whole movie is stuck in one place, focused on a fistful of drab characters with very little redeeming quality or action. The boring story is captured with wavering cameras that will make you sick, and shoddy editing. Zach Ward and Natassia Malthe do the best they can, but that's it. Watching this movie is like panning for gold--you'll be hard-pressed to find any valuable nuggets.

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22: Murder By Television (1935)

The 1930s might be my least-favorite decade in film (sorry Marx Bros fans). Bella Lugosi might be one of my least-favorite actors (sorry Dracula fans). He put out some stinkers back in the day--I'm pretty sure Murder by Television is one of the worst, if not THE worst.

In the days before television, this film presented the terrifying concept that a television might just kill you! The film plays out as a whodunit, limiting the action to a single house and a roomful of boring characters. The mystery is not that compelling, and it takes way too long to reach a conclusion that's ultimately pretty daft (if not predictable--I mean, it's in the title, what do you expect?). There's some rather deplorable racism in the movie, on top of it being boring, bland, and weak. Lugosi does little to elevate this--the man has done better, and the 30s has seen greater cinematic heights than this.

And no, your TV won't kill you, this movie's science is pure nonsense!

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21: War Of The Robots (La Guerra Dei Robot) (1978)

See, it's films like this that makes me dislike Italian cinema sometimes.

War of the Robots looks ugly and cheap, but it's further unwatchable thanks to such weird acting (dubbing?), lame effects, and a boring script. There is some pew-pew-pew action, so I guess the film deserves points for its groovy sound effects. But the messy plot and nonexistent story makes this nearly unwatchable.

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To be continued...

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