Four and a half years ago, I returned to the U.S. after spending eleven years overseas. At the time, I was excited. It was a chance to see new, unique sights. A chance to submerge myself in the land of plenty and all the commercial luxuries that were previously shut off to me. A chance to stand on my own and walk among other free people without feeling like an outsider.
There are things to feel blessed about while living in Utah. It is a beautiful state with varied and unique geographical features. It's a photographer's paradise. As it is a paradise for hikers, bikers, campers, and more. The Salt Lake valley, nestled among the towering Wasatch range, is peppered with parks and paths worth exploring. Up the canyons, there are magnificent valleys and forests full of color and life. National parks like Arches, Zion, and Bryce offer landscapes unlike any other. I've seen bison roaming on Antelope Island. I've walked through an ice castle in Midway. I've touched dinosaur bones in Vernal. Even with brief stops near the Great Salt Lake and in various small towns, I've beheld lovely sights. And going to major sites outside the state (like the Grand Canyon and Mesa Verde) haven't been far away. There are places I planned to see or revisit, but haven't found the time to. Regardless, I've seen enough to feel satisfied with my travels.
When I wasn't traveling, I engrossed myself in the same activities I always enjoy: writing, watching films, listening to music, and playing video games. Living in the States, I found plenty of solidarity in exploring the shopping areas and visiting the cinemas regularly. I've visited Comic Con twice, finding not only a plethora of unique merchandise, but also marveling at the sea of costumes and sitting in on insightful panels. I saw one concert live (Thievery Corporation in Park City). Above all, I've dipped into the local writing communities and attended a few conferences. Doing so has exposed me to wonderful and knowledgeable people, and I've learned more from them than in all the previous years I've noodled around with the craft. Since arriving, everybody I've met has been hospitable and friendly.
With so many good experiences, why would I want to leave? Part of my decision to move is simply that a new opportunity came up, and I decided to take it. But I made that decision because, for some reason or another, I became over-stressed. It got to the point where I developed an overly-negative viewpoint of people and my surroundings. I started to expect the worst out of everything and everybody. My self esteem chipped away until I teetered on the fringes of melancholia. This started to bleed into other areas of my life--writing and matters of personal discipline. I lost the motivation and drive to push myself.
Only now when I look back do I realize I may have taken some things personally and let negativity fester. The greatest and hardest thing I've learned is how to let go: of shame and guilt over past mistakes and behavior, of physical things that hold no meaning to me anymore, and of wondering whether people are judging me or not. Only later did I find that I could break free of the chains binding me to bad emotions--I am starting to do so by refusing to focus and dwell of failures, and by learning gratitude.
In the spirit of gratitude, if any Utahan who knew me is reading this, then you have my thanks for helping me feel at home for a while. Some of you have invited me with your families, and it was a lovely experience. I've learned so much from the co-workers and writers I've met. Everybody has made me feel welcome--one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't do more to pay people back for their hospitality.
My next phase of my life begins in Georgia now: it will be a chance to work in a position where my work can be of value, but with far less pressure. This is my first time seeing the deep south--everybody tells me it will be unbearably hot in the summers, but I am looking forward to winters with little-to-no snow. I feel I need the humidity--the arid mountain air of Utah and Colorado seems to rip my skin and my lungs up. I am not sure how many sight-seeing opportunities there will be, but the land is the greenest and lushest I've seen since living in England. I'm hoping traffic will be less intense, and the amenities I want to see will be easy to get to.
Although I have much to look forward to, there are things I will miss from Utah. Places and sights that are dramatic, unique, and stirring. Communities that are safe and friendly. Above all, people who have shown me kindness. Thank you for everything, Utah.
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