Film: Great Ghostbusters Lines You Can Say In Real Life!

The Ghostbusters films are chock full of awesome and hilarious lines, and most of them are easily recognizable in pop culture, you're bound to illicit good laughter among your friends or random strangers. The cast of Ghostbusters deliver so many lines, even in passing, with such personality and nuance that they come off as ingenious, witty, and smart, without ever seeming too snarky or over-the-top. I've often used Ghostbusters dialogue in real life, so here are the lines I see as being the most relevant.  Why not give them a try in real life, see how other people react?

WARNING:  Mild curse words below.

40.) "Oh come on, there's always room for Jell-O."  Probably best said while eating actual Jell-O, but Peter says this line in response to Winston's distaste for it.  If you know somebody who also hates Jell-O, you can always come back with this promotional slogan, in Peter's ever-sarcastic voice, and it could be amusing.

39.) "What did you do Ray?" Peter says this with such sharp scorn, it's as if he's scolding a child or something. If you're in a situation where somebody's messed up, this line could be uttered with such sardonic sharpness, especially if the guilty party is responsible for something ridiculously bad. Bonus points if the offending party is truly named Ray.

38.) "Go get her, Ray!" Peter barks this out as if Ray is an attack dog. And sure enough, Ray advances forward and delivers a deadpan speech to Gozer. He got her alright. So if you need something done, you could always bark this line out at somebody and see how they proceed. Bonus points if the guy you're talking to really is named Ray, and if you use other variants of the line (like "Get her!" or "'Get her!' Was that your whole plan?").

37.) "Is the atomic weight of Cobalt 58.9?"  Egon's way of asking if a bear defecates in the woods.  And he says like we're all supposed to know what the atomic weight of Cobalt is.  It's the sign of a true nerd.

36.) "Human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!" Easily the most recognizable ranting and raving of all time, because it's a really ridiculous line after hearing about how seas will boil and the world will come to an end.  Dogs and cats, man.  That's pretty serious.  So whenever bad news is being delivered and somebody just lists off all the terrible things that will happen, make sure to throw this line in there to emphasize how terrible things really are.

35.) "I couldn't help it. It just popped in there!" Ray's feeble response to why he summoned the Destructor. So, if you mess something up, you could use this line to explain in your own wimpy way why things went wrong. Bonus points if somebody follows this up with line #39.

34.) "Why am I drippings with goo?" A truly disturbing question after waking up and finding yourself covered in slime.  This line would be perfectly relevant if you're covered in something funky and you have to make your predicament known (although line #10 might be an even better fit, depending on the situation).

33.) "Who does your taxes?" In his conscious state, this is the first thing Louis says when meeting a Ghostbuster.  So, next time you're introduced to somebody, be sure to immediately blurt out this line.  You might just find a new client (regardless of whether or not you really deal with taxes as a profession; it just sounds funny when it's completely random).

32.) "Everybody can relax. I found the car." Ray says this as if we were all worried, even though nobody was. But if you are in a situation where you have to get the car and present it for transportation, this line would be perfectly relevant, especially when nobody really cares. Bonus points for listing off everything that's wrong with the said car.

31.) "The superintendent's going to be pissed!" Yeah, because even after the whole city gets thrown into peril, the superintendent's reaction is what you worry about the most.  This line would be notably relevant whenever anything bad happens, especially to a piece of property.

30.) "There is no Dana, only Zuul." Best said when something, or somebody, isn't what or who you thought it was.  Bonus points if the name of the person being referenced really is Dana.

29.) "You're right. No human being would stack book this way..." See a tall stack of books? Then it must be just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947. This observation should be made known to all surrounding parties to let them know that stacked books must be paranormal in nature (even if it isn't).

28.) "Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it?" Peter says this sardonically in passing, before collecting ectoplasm. If you need to collect a sample of something, you can make your disgust known through this same sarcastic line.

27.) "Nice shootin' Tex!" Best said when somebody's a little too trigger-happy and causing mass destruction.

26.) "Yes, have some." Best said in response to a question, even if the "have some" part makes no sense whatsoever. Bonus points for saying the line immediately after "do I?" and after somebody else says "yes, have some."

25.) "Yeah, you, the bimbo with the baby."  This is how Peter get's Vigo's attention before provoking the hell out of him.  This ought to be an amusing way of addressing the people you're talking to and getting their attention.  Bonus points if the person you're calling really does have a baby in his hands.

24.) "...I'm fine." So says Peter after being blown on his back by Vigo.  It doesn't matter how you really feel, just shrug it off and say "I'm fine" in a cheery tone.  Why not, it lightens the mood.  Bonus points if everybody else around you feels terrible and can't move.

23.) "It's Miller time." Well, credit for this line probably goes to the original beer commercial first, but Peter announces it in a moment of a minor victory.  Any time you accomplish something modest, this playful line could become the harbinger of a lively celebration.

22.) "That's great!" Ray says this after Peter gets slimed, and he says it so enthusiastically like it's something to celebrate. So whenever something bad happens to somebody - they get slimed, they see a ghost, something - be sure to shout out this line with enthusiasm. Bonus points if you follow this up with "actual physical contact!"

21.) "The flowers are still standing!" Peter says this while trying to pull a tablecloth off. He probably never intended for any of the dishes to remain still, and sure enough, they all break. But hey, the flowers are still standing! Maybe you're pulling this same trick, or doing something else delicate, this line will make your apparent victory known, even if half of everything gets smashed.

20.) "You don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector. They expect results!" Ray says this to Peter when their academic careers become endangered. I've known people in the public sector who found this line most helpful in underscoring one key difference between the private and public sectors, thus insinuating that government and educational services don't truly expect results. So if you're in the public sector too, this line is perfectly relevant when discussing milestones, goals, and careers.

19.) "Oh, hello miss." A very quick and brief line you can barely hear when Peter's toying around with the microphone in the Statue of Liberty.  What's really amusing is that he says this to Egon.  In my experience, however, I've learned that ladies prefer to be called "miss" instead of "missus," because the former makes her sound younger and more flattering.  So, I've taken to calling everybody "miss," just because.  However, you ought to get bonus points for greeting a random man this way.  Hope the encounter goes well...

18.) "Listen! ...you smell that?" Ray says this with a serious face, but then I'm confused, am I listening or smelling? Or am I supposed to smell with my ears? Or listen with my nose? This self-contradictory line lends itself to easy mockery, and can be utilized anytime you hear or smell something you need to draw attention to.

17.) "We had part of a slinky, but I straightened it." Talking about toys at all? Make your nerdiness known by how you brutally mutilated a slinky in the name of science!

16.) "I gotta have a shower." Louis says this in a very nonchalant manner in the hallway, effectively announcing it to the world as if we care. And you know what, you can do the same. Let everybody know you gotta have a shower.

15.) "Okay...so...she's a dog." When something really weird happens, just go with the flow and accept it, just like Peter did.  Girlfriend turned into a dog? That's okay.  Accept it.

14.) "The light is green, trap is clean." I say this often, because there are green lights everywhere. Traffic lights, lights on phones, lights on computers, and I don't remember what else. Green means good, and having a clean trap is good, so the correlation is clear in my mind.

13.) "You know, I'm a voter! Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?"  Best said after being brushed off by a politician.

12.) "Where do you think all this is coming from? The sky?!!" More of Peter's hilarious ranting and raving, while trying to pass off as a  worker of a gas company.  So if you need to cover your hide and explain away why you're dealing with some kind of mess, you can drive your point home with this over-the-top dialogue.  Bonus points if you really are digging a hole in the middle of the street.

11.) "Yeah...we can cause more damage that way." Any time anybody has a plan, you can follow up with this line to indicate that the plan is solid and there's absolutely no margin of error.

10.) "I feel so funky." Because when you're coated in slime, it's true. Anytime you feel the funk, this line will make your discomfort known.

9.) "Can't you stop your lips flapping for two little minutes?" Pretty much used in lieu of "shut up." However, saying Peter's line here is way more sarcastic and playful, but without losing the essence of the message.  Bonus points if you really do only have two minutes to talk.

8.) "Mother puss bucket..." A viable alternative to any curse involving the word "Mother." It's family-friendly, but we still know what you really mean...

7.) "Everything you're doing is bad.  I want you to know this." Janosz says this very calmly and matter-of-factually in passing to some random artists in his gallery.  This line might make you sound like a total snob and jerk, but if you are a supervisor, it's totally relevant.  Bonus points for muttering this afterward:  "Nobody listens to me..."

6.) "What are we doing today, Zuul?" When you got to know what's going on today, use Peter's passing sarcasm in this line to illicit a full plan of what Zuul (or whoever is in the room) expects from you.

5.) "Back off man...I'm a scientist." It doesn't matter what random question or claim you're making, if you're a scientist, you're perfectly qualified to say whatever the hell you want.

4.) "I collect spores, molds, and fungus." A real conversation-starter, or conversation-ender. Egon says this line, almost in irritation to Janine's chatting, but knowing Egon he was probably telling the truth. Nobody really expects a normal person to collect these things, so when listing your hobbies, this is a rather unique and witty response.

3.) "We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!" A true claim of victory. Shout it out to the world every time you accomplish something major in life (although beating video game bosses might be the most relevant).

2.) "When someone asks you if you're a god, you say 'YES'!" Because, you know, people ask if you're a god all the time. Don't fool around man, if your godhood is challenged, just go with it and instill the fear by saying "yes!" And if anybody doesn't follow this rule, make your displeasure known with Winston's line.

1.) "Yes it's true...this man has no dick..." Probably the best comeback for a jerk who's blaming you for something, and somebody asks if their claim is true. The line makes the best sense when somebody calls the offending party "dickless," but when conflict inevitably erupts, you can always brush it off by shouting out "Well that's what I heard!" This is a line that takes some serious guts to use, but when used properly, it may be the best movie line you can say in real life (assuming it doesn't get you in serious trouble).

Video Game Review: Silent Hill 3

This is the second Silent Hill game I've played, and it could be my last.  The reason being that both SH2 and 3 represent the scariest and most unnerving games I've played; they are fear incarnate.  Both games represent the most effective and sublime combination of atmosphere, sound design, music, tone, and storytelling.  They have a way of getting under the skin, driving you mad psychologically as you're forced to maneuver through darkness and deep into the most oppressive environments possible.  The threat of unnatural monsters and violent cultists is palpable off the screen.  I found it hard to progress through these, because I became afraid of having to venture into the darkness and face whatever creatures and challenges the game throws out.  It is a harrowing experience, and for a horror game, it is perfectly effective.  Maybe even too effective.

To be fair, if you do manage to take those first few steps into the darkness, the game can be engaging.  Monster fighting is never the big emphasis here; it may actually be better to avoid them whenever possible.  If you do have to face them, you can pick up a few useful weapons - a handgun, shotgun, machine gun, knife, pole, sword, stun gun - but combat mechanics are rather clunky and rough.  Some great weapons can be unlocked after beating the game (such as the unlimited machine gun or the beam saber, which could make the New Game + a little more bearable).  What matters the most though is the experience, so the emphasis is in traversing the environments, solving puzzles, and making your way to the town of Silent Hill for the finale.  The whole time, you pass through some incredibly oppressive environments, which really make you feel like you are there, experiencing the same terror that Heather experiences.  In the end, it's horror survival at its finest and most visceral.

This game directly follows the first game (and if you're like me and never played it, the dialogue towards the end recaps things pretty well so you can understand what's going on well enough).  The plot gets pretty twisty, especially considering that some of the characters (including your character, Heather) are not who they seem.  After some gut-wrenching turns, the plot inevitably reaches its conclusion with the threat of a "god" being reborn (followed by a major boss fight, which is not as hard as it sounds).  In the end, the game shows good attention to the characters, and the plot is pretty decent.  Combined with the horror elements and style, the game stands out above most other games as a decent storytelling experience.

The game sports okay graphics; it would have been pretty impressive for the PS2 age, but upscaled in HD the game shows its limitations (especially during cut scenes).  However, it does hold up pretty well; textures are really gritty, the resolution is sharp, and most character effects are alright.  Gameplay is simple, using just a few buttons and no display options.  Movements tend to be rather clunky and slow, but for a horror game, that's probably intentional.  Designs for all the settings, monsters, props, costumes, and everything else are great.  Sound design is incredibly creepy and effective.  Akira Yamaoka's music score is really fantastic.

If you're a fan of survival horror, this game (and probably the last couple as well) are must-plays.  Do be warned though:  it is a seriously nightmarish experience that will take a lot of constitution.

4.5/5 (Experience:  Extreme | Story:  Good | Game:  Good)

Film Review: Snowpiercer

It may be a stretch, but just imagine a single train looping around a track, cutting through an Earth that's completely frozen over.  This train has been running for years, and it has its own microcosm of social classes, with the rich and powerful living in the front in luxury, and all the poor and wretched stuck in the back.  When those in the back of the train stage a revolution to take over the front, all hell breaks loose.

That's pretty much what this film entails:  the prologue is brief, setting the stage immediately for an all-out onslaught of bloody fighting, riveting peril, and startling revelations.  It's a rather grim and bleak film that doesn't shy away from the grisly details, but it's rarely trashy or distasteful.  The film is dark, fast-moving, and action-packed.  I personally couldn't ask for a more entertaining picture.

What's even more rewarding is the storytelling.  It's a bit of a weird and unbelievable yarn, thinking that a single train could run endlessly like this.  There are bound to be plot holes to uncover if you really analyze it on the surface level.  However, the film slowly unveils more and more details behind its concept that gives more background (whether it's plausible or not is probably debatable).  Above all, the film takes itself seriously, everything looks creditable, and it provides a self-contained world that's easy to take on its own merits.  In spite of all this, the plot moves fast and reaches an interesting climax (the likes of which would be on-par with the architect scene of The Matrix Reloaded, minus the mumbo-jumbo, but with the same level of plot twisting).  Characters aren't terribly deep or refined; they ultimately serve little more than voices for the issues, plot complications, and conflicts that erupt.

The biggest asset to this film are its themes.  Some folks won't like them, because it's a very blatant, in-your-face allegory concerning the state of the world we currently live in.  The film asserts that we are all headed toward disaster if we continue to run this "train" of ours the way we have been.  Whether you look at it as a criticism of the upper class exploiting the lower class, or the depletion of the environment and resources, the film paints a bleak picture to expose the ugly truths of our cold world.  I find the parallels compelling, although I'm sure there are those who will find them pretentious, obnoxious, stupid, or something else.

Regardless of how you grade the content, the film looks great with its dark and gritty photography.  Editing is top-notch.  Acting is great:  Chris Evans is surprisingly somber as the protagonist, and I enjoyed the performances by John Hurt, Ed Harris, Song Kang-ho, and Go Ah-sung.  Tilda Swinton is awesomely hammy in her role.  Every other actor pulls their weight really well.  Writing is pretty sharp and good.  This production has great-looking sets, props, and costumes.  Special effects tend to look fake, but it rarely detracts from the film's overall quality.  Music is decently somber too.

Snowpiercer is a rather odd tale, but one that is highly imaginative, consistently entertaining, and it's chock full of themes worth exploring (whether you want to or not).  Highly recommended!

5/5 (Entertainment:  Perfect | Content:  Good | Film:  Perfect)

Film Review: Dracula Untold

Dracula's story has been told and re-told so many times in so many different ways that the mere thought of having a "untold" Dracula tale comes off as ironic. But there is potential, especially in the historic roots of the character (as inspired by Vlad III "The Impaler," or "The Son of the Dragon," considered a hero of Wallachia, but also an infamous butcher everywhere else). Regardless, very few films have explored exactly how Dracula became such a cruel bloodsucking vampire.

The film kicks off with a prologue sequence that spells out who Vlad is and what the Turks are doing to his kingdom, in a style that feels like a moving graphic novel. From then on, the film wastes little time in pitting the titular prince against the Turkish army. Naturally, the prince resorts to fighting evil with evil, consorting with a vampire to gain supernatural powers. From then on, Vlad goes on to crush waves of Turks almost single-handedly. Most of the time, he's either transforming into a swarm of bats that rushes through his enemies, or he's slicing necks with expert swordplay. Scenes in between the action rarely drag; there is a fair amount of drama involved between the prince, his wife, his son, his followers - adding vampirism to these relationships offers a few intriguing twists and implications worth exploring.

However, the story is pretty standard fare; it's as if they took 300, took out the Spartans, replaced Leonidas with Dracula, and used Castlevania as a backdrop. As cool as it is to see a medieval Transylvania in action, the story is very simple and straightforward, and can be quite predictable. Most of it feels like it could have used more refinement; plot holes can undoubtedly be found, and more character development would be quite welcome. The whole film breezes by in a formulaic fashion, entwining bits of history with bits of vampire legend, but it amounts to very little that feels fresh, new, or invoking.

The film generally looks okay, with mostly-good photography and editing. Some of the action scenes have horrid camera work. Acting is okay: I enjoyed watching Luke Evans as the main character, and other actors can be a hit or a miss. Writing is quite simple and unrefined. This production uses pretty fine-looking sets, props, and costumes. Special effects offer some good-looking views of fantastic places, and are good with some of the creature effects, but are rougher in the action scenes. Music sounds like more of the same.

Dracula Untold is certainly action-packed and takes advantage of some of the original lore of the character, but it also feels like just another typical swords and sorcery flick. Fans of the character or genre may find it worth renting.

3.5/5 (Entertainment: Good | Story: Average | Film: Average)

Novel Excerpt: Dark Fairy Chronicles

My latest project has been a rather bizarre and experimental idea.  The novel I've started working on now has two plots:  one in the past (1999) and one in the present (sorta:  it's 2009).  Together, they constitute the Dark Fairy Chronicles:  the outlandish case of a fairy and her daughter from another world crossing over to modern America to escape persecution.  In the past, the young daughter faces the hardships and pressure of high school, and begins to dabble with the lore and magic of her home world to overcome the challenges, and to perhaps seek vengeance against those who hurt her.  Ten years later, the town has been consumed by the dark forces of magic, with the town in ruins and overrun by vicious monsters.  In all that time, the military has been struggling to quarantine the corruption.  To end it once and for all, they launch an operation to exterminate the Dark Fairy.

Much of this writing as been touch and go for me, but over the past several months it's been coming along smoothly.  I find myself most comfortable in the 2009 scenes, where everything is pretty wicked and it's been playing out like a modern-day war story with a fantasy aesthetic.  I have a pretty good idea as to how these scenes will roll.  The 1999 plot is being laid out in a kind of flashback fashion, and I've always been weary that I may not be able to piece this together right (because high-school drama is something I never really wrote of before).  It's been coming along little by little though.  In a way, it's a bit like Stephen King's Carrie (or, cheesy as it may seem, the film The Craft), but coupled with an overarching quest plot; I don't even know how to describe the present-day story, except to say maybe it's what you get if the Shadow of Mordor video game was crossed with Saving Private Ryan.  The Dark Fairy herself is heavily inspired by characters like Maleficent.

This is being written as an epistolary novel, patched together from faux journal entries and memoir excerpts from the different characters involved.  Later on, I hope to include news reports and official documents as well.  This style of writing is great for giving a book a more realistic texture, but I believe it's ideal for showing multiple viewpoints and insights on the characters, making things well-rounded.

Below is the first major segment of the book, told as an excerpt from the memoir of a sergeant in the National Guard (his name is currently Jake Gildenberry, but his name is subject to change, because it does seem a little silly to me).  It jumps right into one of the major battles between the Guard and the Dark Fairy's forces; as such, it is a pretty grim and gnarly battle scene.  I hope it captures the horror and inhumanity of the battle, while stimulating interest in the rest of the tale.

WARNING:  This story contains liberal amounts of blood and gore.  Cursing is censored.

-------------------- 

July 10th 2009

                The Dark Zone:  the place didn’t get its name for being all flowers and sunshine.  At one point, maybe it was.  All that changed ten years ago, out of some crazy circumstance that nobody in the world truly understood.  Somehow, the small, sleepy town of Clearmont had turned into a Hell-on-Earth.  And I was standing right at the brink of it, along with several hundred other Guardsmen, just waiting to slaughter whatever it was that was stirring deep in the corrupted landscape.

                I had always heard stories about the DZ, but none of it could have prepared me for this.  There was a definite line in the grass where the world as we knew it ended and the corruption began:  it was fresh and green where I stood, but just a few feet away, it was all black as ink.  There was a line of dead trees in front of us; from the gnarled branches, scores of bones and skulls hung from twisted ropes.  Most of them weren’t human, but the ones that were undoubtedly came from our own countrymen, who fought and died to contain the corruption ever since it started.  God knows how many men died fighting in the DZ.

                The sky above the black land was always dark; gray clouds always swirled over the area ominously, and sunlight hasn’t even touched the land in years.  Several UAVs circled around the edges of the perimeter, scanning the dense mass of twisted trees and thorny underbrush.  They fed intel back to the forward operations center; command made their final decision based on the drones’ readings.  Moments later, the first stage of the attack commenced.

                From the distance, five A-10 Thunderbolts appeared and zoomed over our heads, their twin engines leaving behind a deafening roar.  Soaring over the DZ, the planes launched a myriad of air-to-surface missiles.  Upon hitting the tainted land, the missiles exploded in giant plumes of fire that ripped through the trees and set the grass on fire.

                Through the roaring of the flames, we could hear shrieking:  hundreds of vicious, inhumane shouts.  We all became tense and alert, gripping our rifles and waiting for the enemy to be flushed out.  This was my first engagement with the enemies of the DZ; I had always heard stories about them, and I read the reports, but even when knowing what to expect, I couldn’t stop the anxiety.  I watched intensely as the foliage ahead of us moved, and the enemy surged out of the woods with renewed rage.

                Suddenly, there was one monstrous roar that drowned out all the other noise of the battlefield.  From the middle of the forest, we all watched in awe as a huge monster rose up over the burning trees and took flight.  It was a black dragon, well over a hundred feet long.  Its scaled, spiny body glistened like oil in the daylight; its huge leathery wings flapped with enough force to produce a strong blast of air on the ground.

                The A-10s circled around the DZ and started another run.  Three of them continued to bombard the ground, but two trained their cannons on the dragon.  A constant stream of bullets ripped into the beast.  Some of them tore holes in the beast’s wings, and some cut through its thick hide, but most bounced uselessly off of the thing’s body.  Thousands of rounds were pumped into it within a matter of seconds, but the dragon showed no sign of being affected at all.

                Then, the beast lunged at one of the planes.  With a quick flap of its wings, it zoomed into the aircraft with a swift burst of speed; its talons clamped onto the fuselage, and it snapped at the cockpit with its jaws.  The plane’s canopy was crushed; pieces of glass and metal flew from the crunched hull, and the pilots inside were smashed to a bloody pulp.  The dragon swung its body before releasing the plane’s wreckage; the wreckage flew toward one of the other planes, but it banked and narrowly avoided a collision.  Falling into the woods, the destroyed A-10 slammed into a cluster of trees, becoming nothing more than a twisted heap of smoldering metal.

                Ahead, the foliage continued to move, as the enemy’s ground units drew closer.  I could tell that we were all disturbed after seeing the dragon; it was just a small taste of the madness that we were about to see coming out of the corrupted land.  No level of training and experience could prepare us for the unnatural things we were being asked to fight.   The fear in all of us was so palpable, it hung in the air around us like a dark veil.

                Next to me, a fellow guardsman couldn’t take it.  In a panic, he turned and fled.  Our unit commander shouted at him to fall back into formation, but he continued to run.  Some of the other men exchanged looks, clearly wondering if they should also take a chance and desert, rather than to face the terror of the Dark Zone.  The bravest ones merely shook their heads in pity and kept their guns pointed forward.

                Finally, the enemy broke through the line of trees and foliage in front of us.  The first one we saw was set on fire from the planes’ bombing run; the creature was nothing more than a short, black humanoid shape with charred skin, and an unnatural shriek coming from its lips.  Several of us opened fire immediately, putting the thing out of its misery.

                As the burning creature collapsed, with black blood gushing from its wounds, dozens of them rushed out at us.  They were orcs:  a vicious and ugly rabble of gray, green, and black-skinned monsters.  They were the size of normal men, but nearly twice as bulky in muscle.  Their bodies and faces were strangely gnarled and twisted, to the point where no two were alike.  They are all clad in various forms of crude, makeshift armor; some were made of wood, others pieced together from metal scraps.  They all had crude weapons in their meaty hands; jagged swords, warhammers, and huge clubs.

                In one huge wave, the orcs rushed at us screaming their inhuman war cries.  We fired on them, sending a volley of bullets that cut through their entire front line.  The sounds of endless gunfire filled my ears, and orc bodies collapsed in front of us on a pile.  More of them continued to come out of the forest, jumping over their fallen comrades and rushing toward us in a blind rage.

                From overhead, the four remaining A-10s made another pass.  Their cannons pelted the battleground, with thousands of bullets streaming into the creatures and ripping their bodies to pieces.  Even the most heavily-armored orc became riddled with holes; they all collapsed in front of us in a bloody heap.  The planes continued to circle around, and the black dragon followed.

                There was a short-lived boost in morale as we watched the monsters fall before us.  More of them came out of the woods, and we opened fire again.  More of them were shot down, but some slid and took cover behind the bodies of the others.  From there, they brandished crossbows and fired arrows at us.  One of the men next to me was hit in the face, an arrow sticking out of his eyeball.  His body slumped to the ground; watching him, I realized right away that there was nothing I could do for him.

                More of us were hit with the arrows.  Our barricades and body armor were able to repel a lot of them, but some men fell with arrows in their arms, legs, and heads.  Despite the losses, we maintained the suppression, firing thousands more bullets into the woods and slaying more of the orcs.

                One group of orcs rushed out, holding up a large metal shield.  Our bullets ricocheted off of the metal wall uselessly; the creatures crept closer to us with while holding up the barrier.  As they encroached, one guardsman tossed a grenade, which landed at their feet.  The explosion ripped through the orcs; frags shredded their flesh, splattering their blood all over the place.  The shield fell to the ground uselessly.

                Our commander shouted words of encouragement, and we continued to hold the line.  The orcs seemed to continuously spawn out of the woods, throwing themselves at us in a blind, animalistic rage.  I started to wonder if there was more to their strategy; even primitive brutes like these must know that we had the upper-hand in sheer firepower.  Even the dumbest of enemies would know by now to spare their men in a senseless frontal assault and seek an alternative, but the orcs just kept coming.  They had to have been up to something, using this attack and throwing away their most disposable soldiers as some kind of distraction.

                I wondered if command would be considering the same thing.  Just as soon as I contemplated these things, our unit was ordered ahead.  There was a break in the enemy waves, and we needed to push forward into the woods and start our incursion into the DZ.  All at once, we ran from the cover of our barricades and charged forward.  More orcs appeared in front of us, but were quickly cut down in a barrage of bullets.

                Pushing through the first line of trees, we found ourselves treading across a gnarled landscape of thorny bushes and dense underbrush.  Ahead, we could see the remains of the orc burrows, collapsed and set on fire from the bombings.  Dozens of burnt bodies were strewn around the surrounding woods.

                Our objective was on the other side of the burning settlement:  a glade that we could use to set up a base camp.  We traversed around the burrows, trudging through a thicket of gray prickly bushes.  Just as we stepped through the tough foliage, an orc jumped out from behind a tree and swung a warhammer.  The massive weapon smashed into the man in front of me; I could hear the brutal crunching of bones.  The soldier collapsed, coughing up blood, and the orc raised his weapon up to deliver a fatal blow.  I didn’t even stop to think; I squeezed the trigger and shot the enemy in the head.  A hole exploded in the creature’s cheek, gushing black ooze.  He staggered and fell, making grotesque gurgling sounds.

                Somebody crouched down by our fallen comrade, and started to deliver first aid.  Then, we heard noises ahead of us:  moving foliage and the grunting of orcs.  Knowing that this was not the time or place to help our man, two of us picked up the wounded soldier and hauled him back out of the woods.

                The rest of us pushed forward.  After just a few steps, arrows started whizzing through the trees.  Some of them hit the men behind us, who were carrying out our wounded comrade.  If that man had a fighting chance to live, that chance was obliterated, as an arrow struck him in the gut.  Men were falling all around me, with arrows sticking out of their bodies.  I took cover behind a tree; I heard a hard thunk as an arrow wedged itself in the bark.

                Several others took cover, behind trees, hills, and rocks.  I peered cautiously from the side of the tree, to see if I could spot the enemy.  An arrow grazed the tree close to my face, and I had to withdraw.  Others took a chance to fire their guns from behind cover; our bullets cut through the foliage and hit a few of the enemy.

                While the guardsmen continued to fire, I realized that they were drawing the orcs’ attention away from me.  I took a chance to run from cover, moving deeper into the woods.  I dived into a cluster of bushes, just as an enemy spotted me and let loose an arrow.  It flew over my head, as I took cover in a shallow ditch.  I remained prone and flush against the soil, well out of sight from the enemy.

                We heard the A-10s overhead again.  One of them made a pass over the forest, and launched ground missiles into the enemy lines.  The forest ahead of me became engulfed in flames; a dozen orcs were incinerated, and they shrieked in pain.

                As the planes passed by, the dragon continued to chase them.  The beast closed in on one of them and snapped its jaws at the plane’s rear wings.  Its teeth crunched the metal, and the dragon yanked away a huge chunk of the fuselage.  Out of control, the A-10 spiraled and plummeted to the ground some miles away.

                As the fire and smoke cleared, the land ahead of us was scorched, and parts of the woods were still ablaze.  All of the guardsmen regrouped and pressed forward, cautiously treading over the charred land and passing by the burning woods.  I tailed behind the main group; we moved for another fifty yards, before reaching the clearing.

                The glade was circular and flat.  There were some wrecked cars along the edge of the woods, but were completely covered in vines and overgrowth.  As we stepped on the grass, our unit commander started giving orders to secure the perimeter.

                Suddenly, an arrow flew into his back.  Its shaft pierced through his body, and the arrowhead poked out of his chest.  He didn’t even stand a chance, as the arrow punctured his heart; he collapsed, with blood spilling on the grass.

                We all ran retreated to the woods, but it was too late; in the clearing, there was no cover, and no time to find cover.  Arrows criss-crossed each other in the air and landed all over the glade, turning it into a confined killzone.  Dozens of us were caught in the cross-fire, with arrows cutting through our bodies.  We all fired back into the woods, but it was impossible to see where the enemy archers were.  They had us surrounded and outnumbered; we had stepped heedlessly into a trap.

                None of the arrows hit me, and I considered myself lucky.  The enemy stopped their attack briefly, before they came out of the woods all around us.  There were maybe twenty of us left in the glade, and the orcs formed a circle around us.  They closed in, wielding bows, blades, and clubs menacingly.  We held up our guns, but hesitated.  It was a brief and uncertain break in the fighting, and nobody wanted to make the first move that could get us all killed.  After all, they had us outnumbered now, and it looked like they wanted us alive.

                One of the orcs stepped closer to us, cocking his ugly brown head at us and sizing us up with his blood-red eyes.  He barked at us, “Stupid humans! You dare trespass on tainted soil.  Don’t you know that corrupted lands belong to us? You will all pay for your insolence!”

                In the heat of the moment, one of the guardsmen shouted back, “F#&k that! This is American soil!” He held up his gun and was about to shoot the orc in the face.

                In one swift move, the orc closed in on the soldier thrashed his arms out, pushing the soldier’s rifle to the side.  He then slashed down with his sword, cutting the guardsman’s hands off.  As the man’s hands and rifle fell to the ground, he screamed in agony, regarding his bleeding stumps in disbelief.

                “Anybody else want to be a hero?” the orc seethed. “I eat heroes for breakfast!”

                With the orc formation closing in on us, there was little more choice.  Fighting back would only get us killed; one by one, we all surrendered, dropping our weapons.  Regarding the ugly faces that closed in, I asked, “What are you going to do to us?”

                “That depends on what the Dark Fairy says,” the orc spat.  Turning to the others, he shouted a phrase in the strange, foreign orc language.

                In the next instant, the orcs were upon us, pushing into us harshly and clubbing us with their weapons.  A mace came down on the back of my neck; I felt a sudden stab of pain, before everything went dark.

Yep, I drew this from the above scene.

UPDATE:
I recently received some feedback from a friend, who was formerly in the National Guard.  He informed me that it is highly unlikely that an A-10 can be taken down by a dragon; the planes' guns would likely rip the beast to shreds.  However, the A-10s are not the fastest and most maneuverable, so it is still possible for a dragon to latch onto one, possibly from behind and over the dorsal side so it's out of range of its guns.  The issue also came up concerning radar, but there are ways for a dragon to evade detection.  It will either be the case that the dragon is cold-blooded and doesn't emit enough heat to be picked up.  More than likely though, I will need to explain that the entire DZ dampens and disrupts radar and other scanners due to the presence of magic (although that will mean that the UAVs at the beginning will also be affected).  Also, the A-10s should deploy countermeasures (probably flares) to ward off the dragon; I imagine that a flare could cause some harm to the creature.

I will plan on revising this scene with the above considerations in the rewriting phase, to improve creditability.

Film Review: The Maze Runner

A kid wakes up in a cage that's climbing up an elevator shaft, with no memory of who he is and where he came from.  At the top, he finds himself stuck in the middle of a grassy plain, surrounded by trees, and giant metal walls beyond.  Beyond the walls is some kind of massive labyrinth, which closes itself off every night, and there are deadly cybernetic creatures that come out to slay anybody who's stuck inside.  This kid finds himself among a small society of other kids who have been stuck in this place for years, and could never find their way out of the maze...until now!

If nothing else, I think The Maze Runner starts off with a really cool concept and it remains enthralling all the way to its end.  Even if it does fall into the typical tropes, cliches, and formula set up by other adaptations of YA fiction novels (especially The Hunger Games), the film is very consistently thrilling.  It's not just the action scenes, of which there are plenty and they're never really overdone - it's the plot and the methodical way it unravels that captivated me the most.  It starts off so enigmatically, the film kept me glued to the action to see what the heck is going on and what the secret is behind the maze.  The maze lends itself easily to building suspense, as the characters have to maneuver through its winding corridors and evade death at every turn.  Outside of the maze, the film keeps the tension high thanks to an overarching sociological struggle that forces the characters to question whether they should risk their lives to escape or remain alive in their well-organized mini-society.  At times, this takes the characters to darker and savage territory.  The film can be pretty violent and nasty when it needs to be; it's not too distastefully graphic, but it is definitely not all that fluffy either.

The plot runs pretty evenly with minimal drag, thanks to the plethora of conflicts that emerge among the different characters and the events that unfold.  That being said, it's still not a perfect story; I personally found it odd that all it takes place in the course of three days (were it not for the dialogue, I would have assumed that months had passed).  There are moments in the film where you could question why certain things weren't tried to accomplished before the main character's timely arrival.  I found most plot holes easy enough to dismiss, but the film's success in the long run may depend on how the sequels do (and yes, the movie does end with a huge infodump that leaves more questions unanswered, and offers a lead-in for the next movie).  I found most of the characters likable, except for one major antagonist, who may be one of the most unreasonably jerky characters I've seen in a while.  I wanted to slap that Gally upside the head.  The story seems to dig up some very interesting sociological themes, thanks to its focus on the group, the system they built, and their ongoing struggle through the maze.  I have no idea how this movie compares to the original book, but it certainly has me interested enough to read it sometime.

The film looks mostly-good.  Photography is great in many scenes, but a few of the action scenes tend to be jittery and erratic at times.  Editing is decent.  I felt the cast was good, especially considering that so many of these actors are children.  Writing gets the job done; there is a lot of exposition, some of which dumps a lot of new terms on the audience, but it keeps things rolling well.  This production has decent-looking sets, props, and costumes.  Music is okay.

This film is a bit like what you get if you take the death-match scenes from The Hunger Games and crossed it with The Lord of the Flies.  It may look like just another YA adaptation, but I think The Maze Runner is decent sci-fi and it could be the start of a cool new film franchise.

Recommended!

4/5 (Entertainment:  Good | Story:  Good | Film:  Good)