"Is there no end to your power and beauty?"

Snow White and the Huntsman

The tale of Snow White is perhaps best known through the classic Disney animation, but as a Grimm fairy tale, it hints at a darker and more primal origin.  The notion of taking a classic tale like this and twisting it into a darker and more adult-themed high fantasy was previously attempted (with arguable results) in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. I suspect that Snow White and the Huntsman delivers the proper goods that Alice failed to.  SWatH is dark through and through; it arms its characters with rough and tough steel, and pits them against all kinds of swords and sorcery.  There are many visually fantastic moments in this film; some big highlights include some magnificent forest scenery (half of which is dark with lots of scary monsters, and the other half is light with a Princess Mononoke type of vibe), lots of black gothic magic coming from the evil queen (which I loved), and a thrilling battle scene in the end.  Admittedly, the film drags in a few spots, but overall it met my expectations.

The story is familiar, as it hits up all the same plot points as the Disney film and fairy tale; it does do a fine job at mixing things around to match up with the new dark aesthetic, and to make it stand on its own as a medieval-themed epic.  One could probably spend pages and pages comparing the film to its original source; the most notable and beneficial alterations include adding more back story to the events and the characters.  The story does suffer a little for its predictability, its uneven pacing, and for having an underdeveloped romance.  I was pretty happy with the character developments, however, and I grew to adore most of them by the film’s end.

The film looks stylish, with mostly-solid photography and quality visuals.  Some scenes show some erratic camera shake, but it’s rarely overbearing.  Editing is not bad.  The acting satisfied; I felt Charlize Theron was perfect as Ravenna; it’s a little to regard Kristen Stewart and Chris Hemsworth without comparing them to their previous roles in Twilight and Thor respectively, but to be fair, they did put on their most earnest effort and brought their characters to life pretty well.  The dwarf characters are fun to watch.  Writing is not bad.  This production has excellent sets, props, costumes, and special effects; it’s especially noteworthy for capturing the appropriate medieval setting to accentuate the film’s dark aesthetic.  Music is good; the score had some great moments, and I was enjoying the end credits theme song.

Recommended!

4/5 (Entertainment:  Good | Story:  Good | Film:  Very Good)

“Why, Mr Lincoln, you’re full of surprises!”

Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter

Chances are that you’ve already made up your mind about this film when you read its title.  You’ll either facepalm at the sacrilege of turning one of history’s greatest men into something base and tasteless, or you’ll laugh your behind off.  Regardless of your reaction, the film may surprise you.  Director Timur Bekmanbetov has proven himself to be a master of orchestrating scenes of absurdity and chaos, with beautiful and awe-inspiring action scenes, and with serious demeanor.  He does the same here, orchestrating the absurdity with a straight face and plenty of style to satisfy.

After Wanted, a film so loaded with fantastic action sequences, I was hoping Bekmanbetov would deliver a plethora of inspiring new setpieces.  Such scenes are few and far-between in AL:VH; there are plenty of short fights with lots of style and lots of gnarly bloody mayhem, all captured in flowing slow-motion photography.  The biggest standouts will be the horse stampede scene, which somewhat resembles a crazy car-chase scene that swaps out the cars with horses and sends horses flying off in all directions (a very clever and inspiring scene, in my opinion, which is sadly marred by some camera shake and lots of dust on the screen), and the climactic train battle, which will likely be compared to the train scene in Wanted, but I feel it’s a solid stand-alone setpiece.  In terms of action, the film delivers; it’s still the director’s tamest and sanest work, but what we get would be something comparable to an Underworld movie.

The story for this madness is generally sound, believe it or not.  Regardless of how you accept the idea that Abe slays the undead in his off-hours, the film does a fine job of weaving historical accounts and personal history in with the vampire storyline.  I’m no Lincoln expert, so I don’t really know how much of the film is accurate (I certainly don’t know how well it adapts the original novel).  Accepting it as its own little universe, I felt it was generally successful.  Half of it does a good job of setting up the vampire story and the other half does a good of playing out the period drama, all in an earnest manner.

If there is any problem with the story, it would be in its consistency; the opening scenes whiz by really fast, before settling into a steady and pleasing pace during Abe’s youth.  The story then zips through entire years of the story, lightly covering the Civil War aspect and speeding it up to the climax.  It’s very choppy, uneven pacing; I suspect that 30-60 more minutes of scenes would have allowed the story to breathe, allowing the pacing to flow naturally and make the film even more epic than it is.  What we get feels like an abridged telling of the overall story.

The film definitely has style.  The camera work can be a little shakey in some scenes, but there are also a lot of moments with slick slow-motion photography.  There are quite a few unique editing effects.  Acting is generally not bad; I grew to accept Benjamin Walker as the title character, for he looked and acted the part very well.  Writing is not terribly strong, but it gets the job done.  This production has decent-looking sets, props, and costumes.  As one other reviewer pointed out, however, the makeup department failed to make certain characters age the way Lincoln does, and it can be distracting.  Music for this movie has some really awesome parts.

There could have been more to the film:  more crazy action, more to the Civil War scenes, more consistency to the plot, etc.  Still, if you’re looking for stylish vampire-slaying action like I am, the film generally satisfies.  I probably wouldn’t recommend this to anybody looking for perfect cinema, or anybody who can’t accept the premise of the film’s title.  For everybody else, I’d recommend checking it out as a rental.

3.5/5 (Entertainment:  Good | Story:  Average | Film:  Pretty Good)

Al's Top 100 Least Favorite Movies Part 5

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

19: House of the Dead

When talking about the worst filmmaker of all time, the one and only Uwe Boll, there’s just no avoiding talking about House of the Dead. Even in this day and age, with Boll pumping out halfway-decent films like Rampage and Postal, everybody will still dismiss his talents and potential because they’ll remember how bad House of the Dead was.  And that’s just as well:  House of the Dead is awful! Its story is as simple and dumb as it could be, lacking in any sense of logic.  Characters serve merely as zombie-fodder (and that’s just as well, because they are stupid).  This production is so cheap, a bunch of kids with a camera in the woods could have made this movie.  But the one thing I really despise about this specific film is that they’ve inserted video game footage at random points.  Is this meant to remind us that this movie was based on a game? Good job…now you’ve ruined any sense of immersion the movie had.  Not that it had much to begin with.  It’s just one of many bad artistic choices made in a bad movie.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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18:  Starship Troopers 2:  Hero of the Federation

The first Starship Troopers was a blast.  Even with its over-the-top cheese, the movie is satirical, self-conscious, and a whole lot of fun.  This sequel seems to throw it all out the airlock, as it takes on the form of a really bad B-rated horror film.  Its connection with the first film is practically nonexistent, just as any sense of story or characterization is nonexistent.  Even worse, the action is nonexistent, leaving hardly any redeeming value.  Poor filming and special effects do not help either.  Do you want to know more? Check out ST:  Marauder instead; still looks cheap, but it is at least entertaining.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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17:  Epic Movie

I think my gripes for this parody movie are the same as my gripes for the other parody movies listed above:  a poorly-constructed plot built around lampooning multiple popular films, resulting in a stupid story with bad characters, all made in poor quality.  Worse yet, the film failed to induce laughter.  Or should I say, EPIC FAIL?

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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16:  Meet the Spartans

It seemed as though these movies came out relentlessly, one after another, like a fierce Persian army.  Spoofing 300 and a billion pop-culture references, this movie sets out to make fun of every living thing with the ferocity of King Leonidas.   While the jokes do manage to eek out a few chuckles, the film itself is so stupid, it practically becomes an embarrassment to watch.  To say nothing about the cheap filming and production values.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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15:  Alone in the Dark

This is another disaster of a film that Uwe Boll is well-known for.  Just like with his previous film House of the Dead, this film is as cheap and stupid as they come. Alone in the Dark tries so hard to entertain; it starts off with a slick-looking car chase and lots of okay-looking special effects.  There are lots of shooting and lots of monsters and stuff.  The problem is, the film feels too much like a bunch of random scenes cobbled together without any real narrative or sense of progression; therefore, we got no plot, a weak story, and bad characters.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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14:  Ninja’s Creed (Royal Kill)

You’d think that movies about ninjas would be fun and thrilling, but there’s sadly very little ninja combat in this film.  In fact, there’s very little of anything; very little story, very little characterization, and chances are they had very little budget.  The film plays out as if a bunch of guys hung around Washington DC and filmed stuff, hoping to make a story out of it.  What story they made didn’t make much sense, and it’s especially wacky how they cheaply inserted fantasy art in between scenes to cover up the plot holes.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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13:  Category 7

After a while, all these cheap sci-fi disaster movies tend to run together.  Like every other film I’ve listed, this one is riddled with stupidity and cheapness.  Oh yeah, there are some cool scenes of mass destruction; if bad special effects are your thing, this film might appeal.  For the most part, however, the constant downpour of bad films has long ago drowned out my interest in these.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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12:  The Brink

This B-movie offers the interesting premise, in which Thomas Edison once invented a contraption that could communicate with the dead.  Supernatural killings ensue.  Sadly, the film’s execution didn’t hold my interest well enough; the story is told quite weakly, and the film doesn’t look very good.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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11:  Apocalypse Mercenaries

Well, there are a lot of shootouts and explosions in this film.  It’s a shame that it’s very poorly-shot, with laughable writing and acting, and cheap-looking sets and effects.  The story itself comes off as a cheap and cheesy Guns of Navarone rip-off.  Well, you might as well go watch that movie instead, because this one is all around very weak!

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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10:  Vampires:  Los Muertos

This sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires plants Jon Bon Jovi in as the main hero, in place of James Woods.  And…that’s pretty much it; nothing else about this film stands out at all.  Not much action, not much story, and not much quality.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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09:  Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Om nom nom!

Oh yeah, if anything’s memorable about this tripe, it’ll be the novel concept of a gargantuan shark fighting against a monstrous octopus.  There are a few surprisingly epic scenes, as the Mega Shark leaps out of the water and catches a passenger airliner out of the sky, and goes on to devour the Golden Gate Bridge.  But, these scenes are very short.  The actual smackdown between the two beasties is comprised of bad special effects that get repeated over and over again.  As far as the rest of the film goes, it becomes a borefest, filled with characters I couldn’t care less about, made unwatchable by a camera that just won’t sit still.  Of all the bad sci-fi disaster movies out there, this one takes the cake.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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08:  Battle Warrior (Mission Hunter II)

This is a movie about a bunch of burly soldiers going into a jungle to rescue somebody.  Or something like that.  You know, I’d love to say more about this movie, but I couldn’t see a darn thing in it! Maybe this is a problem with the cheap and shoddy DVD copy, as everything was dark, as if completely filmed at the wrong exposure.  Even if you manage to see anything, there’s nothing much to see.  There is action, but not much movement in the story or characters.  The film is cheap and shoddy.  And, if you’re expecting to see Tony Jaa in the mix, don’t bother, since his role is very minor.  If you turn the English dubbing on, you will be blessed with some of the most hilariously bad tracks of all time (featuring a guy trying very hard to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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07:  Murder by Television

That’s right, your TV can kill you! But not through cancer or melting of the brain, as some might think; this mystery story asserts that the camera turned into a death-ray of some kind.  Yep, it’s that stupid.  This oldie is a mystery film, so the characters spent all their time wandering around, wondering “whodunit?” As a result, the film is dull and lifeless, save for the hilariously bad moments of stupidity or cheesiness.  Look out for Bela Lugosi’s performance, which seems every bit as cheesy and laughable as his role in Dracula. In this day and age, the film is especially loathsome for stereotyping certain characters.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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06:  Vampires:  The Turning

Yikes, they made yet another sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires! Only this time, it takes place in Thailand, and it throws in martial arts and biker gangs into the mix.  Sounds fun, right? Sadly, the film came off as dull, with a bad story and bad craftsmanship.  At this point, it has absolutely nothing to do with Carpenter’s original film.  Of course, it’s also totally unmemorable.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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05:  Machine Head

It's not a tumor!

“Let’s stick a lawnmower on somebody’s head! Yeah, that’s a great movie!” Not.  Oh sure, it sounds like a weird, novel, funny thing to watch, but it’s actually quite boring, plotless, and lacking in quality.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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04:  I Could Read the Sky

It’s the random mumblings and fragmented memories of some old fart.  The whole film is done in a weird, trippy style, which I guess is meant to resemble personal memories, so everything has a hazed, vignette look, and filmed from the main character’s point-of-view.  The problem is, most shots I recall focus on simple things with very tight angles, so you never really see many other character or any scenes in full view.  Maybe this is done on purpose for that “memory” effect, but I thought it was a cheap way to string together a narrative using the bare minimum of footage.  Speaking of narrative, the main character’s monologue runs through the whole picture, and it is dull! Combined with the weird style and imagery, the film overall came off as annoying.  I couldn’t even tell you what the plot was, because it’s just too random and nebulous.  Nope, I hate this film, and can’t see the joy in watching it.

Entertainment:  Very Poor | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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03:  Hard Gun

So, if this is Hard Gun, what constitutes a soft gun?

If you turn on the English dubbing for this movie, it becomes a comedy so hilarious, it has to be seen to be believed.  Without that track, however, the film is just a dull, plotless mess.  Once again, don’t go in expecting to see much of Tony Jaa, even though his face is plastered all over the DVD cover.  It does have some action and nifty stuntwork, but not enough to maintain interest.  The story is all over the place, and even includes scenes that could have been cut out completely.  It’s poorly-filmed, poorly-acted, and made very cheaply.  The movie even stole all its music from another movie (blatantly using tracks from Eric Serra’s GoldenEye soundtrack).

Entertainment:  Very Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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02:  Blair Witch Project

Excuse me while I stick my eyeball in the camera...

And horror fans everywhere are lamenting, wondering why I would list this revered film near the bottom of my list.  Chances are that if I got caught up in the hype of 1999, and I viewed the movie as “real” found footage, it probably would have scared the pants off of me.  Now that the cat’s out of the bag, and we all know that this is all staged, the film struggles to maintain its creepiness.  Without the illusion of reality, the film loses its edge, the way a William Castle movie loses its edge without the physical gimmicks they used to pull on the audience.  And in the end, that’s all this movie is:  a prank, and all audiences of 1999 who actually believed in the Blair Witch were punk’d.  Regarding the film itself, I found it dry and boring, with a plot that never really engaged, and filled with characters who are completely unlikable.  I especially hated the young woman who just kept screaming and cursing at the others for minutes on end.  And with the mock-authentic hand-held camerawork, the film is erratic, ugly, and annoying to watch.  In fact, that’s my final stance on this film:  it’s annoying to watch.

Entertainment:  Awful | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Marginal 

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And the #1 worst movie is.....

01:  BloodRayne 2:  Deliverance

Deliver us from bad filmmaking!

That’s right, Uwe Boll, the man commonly thought to be the worst director in the world, directs my least-favorite movie.  His first BloodRayne film was a travesty in itself; a rip-roaring romp of blood n’ guts at times, but poorly paced, and it bore little semblance to the original video game.  In this follow-up, Boll brought the character to the American west, with surprisingly dull results.  There’s hardly any action in this movie, and without a substantial plot, the movie overall is one boring experience.  The film looks like it was filmed by a crew of drunken monkeys.  Acting ranges from being really dull to being hilariously cheesy.  If there’s any redeeming value to this film, it’d be in Zach Ward’s amusing performance as the villain, and some very slight sex appeal from Natassia Malthe.  However, picking out any joy in this film is like panning for gold; you’ll be lucky to find anything worthwhile.  Offering hardly any good entertainment value, a poor story, and poor craftsmanship, there truly is no better candidate for the worst movie of all time.

Entertainment:  Awful | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Low

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So there you have it: 100 films that I loathe.  A few of these do have a strong following among film buffs (namely Lost in Translation, L'avventura, and...*sigh*...Blair Witch Project), and others have a strong cult following; I won't deny that cases like these are simply a matter of taste.  A lot of what's here are pretty trashy - sometimes with a "so bad it's good" appeal or novelty.  I'm sure the majority of you readers will be glad to not make your acquaintance with such films.  As for myself, even though it may seem like a tremendous waste of time to sift through so much garbage, I am actually pretty grateful for it.  Were it not for all the bad films, the good films would not resonate as strongly as they do.  Thank you for reading!

Al's Top 100 Least Favorite Movies Part 4

Part 1
Part 2

Part 3

39:  Domino

Somebody needed to put a leash on Tony Scott’s style.  It was bad enough watching Man on Fire with all its herky-jerky camera work, flashy editing, and gigantic subtitles taking up the screen.  Domino took all that and intensified it, turning the movie into an erratic mess.  Even if you can look past the slick veneer of Scott’s aesthetics, the story is pretty uninteresting, and the character is totally unlikable.  For the most part, the style of the film got in the way (giant moving subtitles when they aren’t even needed…seriously?!).

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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38:  Hell’s Heroes

I barely even remember this war flick, but on DVD, it’s advertised as the sequel for the 1978 film Inglorious Bastards (the influence to Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, although this original film is so cheesy and absurd that it’s hilarious).  Hell’s Heroes shares the same spirit, and it does showcase plenty of shootouts and explosions and things.  Story is weak, the film looks bad, and it is overall quite forgettable.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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37:  The Toolbox Murders (1978)

If this movie is memorable for anything, it’d be for the scene with the woman in the bathtub.  Otherwise, it’s just another bland, generic, ugly-looking slasher film.  Not much of a plot, not much of a film.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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36:  Airborne (1998)

Steve Guttenberg stars as the main action hero! Stop and let that sink in…Steve Guttenberg, of the Police Academy fame, playing a hotshot spy.  Every time he spoke, even the simplest of lines, I just couldn’t stop laughing! That’s how bad he was! Don’t even get me started about the stupid story (rendered completely pointless by an incredibly stupid plot twist at the end), or the cheapness of the entire film.  The only real saving grace here are the performances of Sean Bean and Colm Feore, who manage to make the best out of the crap they’re given.

Entertainment:  Pretty Good | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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35:  Mortal Kombat:  Annihilation

I thought the first MK film was iffy as it was.  Enjoyable, sure, but pretty cheap-looking at times.  With the standard cliffhanger ending that Paul WS Anderson injects to all his films, it was only natural they’d make a sequel.  I never imagined they could make it worse than the original, but surprise, they did! This is another one of those “so bad it’s good” type of films:  high on the action and style, but terrible with the substance.  Most sets look like they’re made of paper.  Most special effects look like something off of the Sci-Fi (“Sy-Fy”) channel.  Most plot points don’t make sense.  Most of the acting is horrid.  Most everything here is just plain bad.

Entertainment:  Pretty Good | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Quite Low

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34:  Open Water

I will agree that this film does touch upon a frightening danger that all SCUBA divers need to be aware of.  Having the boat leaving you behind in the middle of the ocean is a really scary notion.  Yes, it has happened before with tragic results, so the film is well-grounded in reality.  I still couldn’t get over how boring this film is, how plain and poorly-shot it is (of course, it’s meant to have that camcorder-feel to it, but just about every scenes looks so pedestrian that it’s dull).  I couldn’t get over the stupidity of the characters; come on, if I was stranded in the middle of the ocean, I wouldn’t just sit there, hoping the boat comes back.  Swim to shore! Idiots…

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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33:  Dementia 13

Yep, even masters like Francis Ford Coppola has made some stinkers.  This early work of his was made on a shoestring budget, and it does show.  I got to admit that the film does have some very wicked killings, and the story for it is good in concept.  It’s the execution that’s really poor (and having a low budget should not be an excuse; plenty of filmmakers have made great things out of low budgets).  The film is pretty cheap, and has quite a few mistakes throughout (one of the most memorable of which includes seeing the boom mike on screen).  Did I mention that this movie is rather boring?

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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32:  Rollerball (2002)

The original Rollerball movie is a pretty decent sci-fi flick, and one of very few that portrays the possibility of futuristic death sports.  A remake with modern effects and talent would be promising, but somehow this movie managed to muck it all up.  The actual Rollerball matches are unmemorable, as are the story and characters.  It might be more forgivable, if it didn’t have such a flashy, irritating style and gaudy-looking production design.   I especially loathed the chase scenes toward the end, all filmed in night-vision.  Despite all the flash and style, the film managed to come off as uninteresting and unmemorable; this film is another example of how a remake fails to live up to the potential of the original.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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31:  Carnival of Souls

This film looks like it was filmed by some guys running around Salt Lake City, randomly shooting scenes.  There might have been a script, there might not have been.  The story doesn’t really matter anyway; this film is just a woman wandering around randomly, being harassed by random ghosts and random (randy) strangers.  The film looks nice at times, and has a few amusing scenes, but has absolutely no plot or point.  There is a certain film by a certain M Night Shyamalan that told the same story in a much better fashion.

Entertainment:  Pretty Good | Story:  Awful | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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30:  The Cult (2007)

Bland, cheap, unmemorable, ugly, just like most other movies on this list.  I can’t remember any redeeming value to this movie, much less what it was about.  Nothing really stood out as a story or as a film.  All I can say is that it’s another bad movie.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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29:  Hollow Man 2

Some might say that the first Hollow Man is worthy of a worst-of list, but I’ve always felt that Paul Verhoeven’s film was plenty entertaining.  This sequel, sadly, isn’t.  Even with the prospect of seeing multiple invisible men fighting in the rain, the story is hollow, the production value is nonexistent, and the film overall might as well be invisible.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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28:  Raving Maniacs

This B-movie has a pretty unique premise, in which somebody at a rave gives out pills that turns the partiers into the living dead (or something along those lines).  Nice idea, but the story is still weak, and the film looks horrid.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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27:  Piranha 2:  The Spawning

No, I refuse to believe that King-of-the-World James Cameron directed this garbage.  This supposed directorial debut does feature some of his signature underwater diving scenes, and some focus on science and high-tech.  For the most part, however, the film bears the footprint of Roger Corman and Ovidio Assonitis, who’ve turned the film into a bland, dull, plotless, pointless farce.  With the premise of flying fish attacking people, I suppose this film would have suffered under Cameron’s control anyway, but at least the man knows how to make films fun.  As it is, there’s very little to enjoy about this cheesy, stupid sequel.  The first Piranha, and the cheeky 2010 remake, are way better.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  None

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26:  Barbarella

Most people will cite the opening credits scene (where Jane Fonda strips off her space suit) as the best, most memorable, most redeeming value to this movie.  From there, it all goes downhill with a vengeance.  For the most part, I was appalled as to how weak the Queen of the Galaxy is.  Pitted against armies of creepy little dolls, and a flock of birds, Barbarella is helpless.  I just wanted to shout at her “Get a grip! Fight back! Do something!” Any other sci-fi heroine, whether it be Princess Leia, Queen Amidala, Aeon Flux, Sarah Connor, Ellen Ripley, the redhead from The Fifth Element, or anybody else, would have gladly kicked those stupid little dolls upside their heads, and ripped the heads off of those stupid birds.  But no, that would defeat the point of the movie; Barbarella depicts a pacifistic utopia where nobody has any notion of fighting, even in self-defense.  Thus, the story seems to take on a naive hippie viewpoint, and the characters are reduced to stupid ditzes.  Don’t even get me started about the cheap-as-hell production values (shag-carpet space ship and all…).

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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25:  Police Academy:  Mission to Moscow

I think everybody will agree that the Police Academy saga started strong, suffered a gradual decline in the quality of entertainment, until it reached rock-bottom with this seventh film.  By this point, only a few members of the original cast are hanging around, and it’s a bit sad to see that they’re forced to play out this weak, silly story, filled with one too many weak, silly, goofy antics.  The film is rarely funny, it has a bad story, and the film itself looks like it was made by amateurs.  I especially cringe every time a cartoony sound effect plays on the screen.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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24:  Seeing Double

The long-forgotten pop-music sensation S Club 7 starred in this ridiculously cheap and cheesy comedy.  The movie serves merely as a platform for the band to play a few of their highlight songs in musical form (and in itself, that’s cringe-worthy enough).  There is some kind of plot involving cloned pop stars, but the story overall seems completely shallow and insipid.  The best that can be said is that some of the photography looked slick; the rest of the movie is just a shame.  And you thought Spiceworld was bad.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Quite Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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23:  Gamera:  Super Monster

This chapter in the giant super turtle’s saga involves a giant spaceship (looking a little too much like the Star Destroyers from Star Wars) beaming down shapeshifting space ladies to wreak some havoc on Earth.  The story’s cheesiness and stupidity is outmatched only its production value, which features a plethora of gaudy, fake-looking costumes, cheapskate editing, and horrid special effects.  The film even resorted to importing some footage from anime shows (is that Battleship Yomata I see?) to fill in the gaps in the film.  Good news is, the English dubbing version is so cheesy and bad, it becomes an instant comedy classic.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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22:  Mega Piranha

Leave it to the Sci-Fi (“Sy-Fy”) channel to produce something as cheap and dumb as this.  It’s a military drama of sorts that pits soldiers against a hoard of killer mutant giant flesh-eating fish.  Both Piranha movies managed to show more earnest craftsmanship than this; Mega Piranha is so cheap and cheesy, it’s laughable.  Acting and dialogue are horrid; the film looks cheap; the special effects are special in a bad way; the story is pretty dumb; the movie overall spells Mega Fail!

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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21:  Arctic Blast

Well, at least Hell hasn't frozen over yet...

That’s right, it’s time for another bad disaster movie.  This one operates under the unlikely notion that an ozone hole causes cold high-atmospheric air to blast down and bring on a new Ice Age in Australia (wait, I thought ozone holes made things hotter from the solar radiation.  Wait, I thought the cold high-atmosphere air can’t touch land because of something called air pressure.  Wait, I thought…ah hell, you get the idea).  Lots of stupidity ensues, as stupid characters either ignore the danger or run around like idiots.  The film is cheap, as always.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  None

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20:  Conquest (1983)

This is one of those rare few fantasy films that carry a raw, brutal, primal sense of old-fashioned mysticism.  Conan the Barbarian still dominates this field; Conquest offers some very brutal scenes, but the plot leaves much to be desired.  The craftsmanship looks extremely gaudy.  Some folks may enjoy the atmosphere of this film, but I found myself bored by it.  Worst of all, it’s unmemorable.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Very Low

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To be concluded...

Al's Top 100 Least Favorite Movies Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

59:  Prom Night (2008)

Stop talking during the movie!

Could a slasher film be any more generic?  This remake looks really slick, but nothing about it really stands out.  The story is weak, and filled with characters that I just couldn’t care about (so why should I care if some creep stabs them all?).  The film overall feels so generic that it becomes a bore to watch.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film: Average | Resonance:  None

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58:  Miami Vice (2002)

What? A script?!

I wanted to enjoy this modern take on the old cop show.  But, jeez, this movie just dragged on and on and on! As long and dull as this material is, I couldn’t get into the story at all.  And while the film looks stylish, it was pretty gaudy at times too.  At this point, I don’t even remember that much about it.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Average | Resonance:   None

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57:  Brother’s Justice

This movie looked like it’d be a bad action flick at first glance.  Then I read the back cover and saw that it’s really a comedy about a guy pitching a bad movie idea to Hollywood.  As a comedy, it sounded promising.  And even though the basic concept is amusing (especially in the way the main character deludes himself), the film overall failed to induce laughter.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Marginal | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  None

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56:  Street Fighter

Many people will probably file this film under “so bad it’s good.” In a way it is; the action is pretty frequent and thrilling, and there is plenty of hilariously bad dialogue to keep it funny.  However, it is a poorly-made film with an incredibly weak story.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Marginal

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55:  Heart of America

Okay, who does Dr. Uwe Boll think he is to tell us what lurks in the Heart of America? This German dude’s attempt to peel away at the issue of school shootings is probably the most tasteless and pretentious act of butchery any director can do to a sensitive issue.  While the film is somewhat entertaining, the story is very contrived, and the film is extremely poorly-made.  As a result, we’re left with a bad drama that only claims to be the all-revealing mirror of human truth.  In reality, it’s garbage.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Low

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54:  Lost in Translation

Yeah, I was this bored too, watching this movie...

I know I’m going to get flack for listing this; this film is pretty well-revered.  I don’t see why; there’s no story to this! It’s two hours of a guy and a chick wandering around Tokyo.  I understand that this is meant to be a film exploring transient souls devoid of meaning in their lives (hence the film’s title, and parallels to a foreign country), and a film that explores the dynamics of a short-term relationship.  Okay, so it’s a film with a subject and theme, but no running story or conflict, no scenes that really stand out and grab interest, and to me it has no lasting power.  It feels less like a film and more like an amateur video essay; something that a traveling student could have made.  As such, I found it completely uninteresting.

Entertainment:  Quite Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Average | Resonance:  Very Low

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53:  Supernova (2000)

With its special effects (which include a nice-looking binary black-hole system, and later a supernova that wipes out a whole planet), I wanted to like this film.  I just couldn’t.  It’s way too boring and uneventful.  The story doesn’t really make much sense, and is filled with characters I couldn’t care less about.  The film looks okay enough, but offers little redeeming value.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  Quite Low

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52:  Dungeons and Dragons:  Wrath of the Dragon God

The first D&D movie ought to be worthy of this list, with its supreme amount of cheese and horrid special effects.  Surprisingly, they made a sequel, and it managed to suck even worse.  The story for this is made worse; the filming and special effects are still bad; worst of all, the movie only entertains to a point.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Low

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51:  Star Runners

At first glance, this looked a little bit like Star Wars, so I was thrilled.  Then it turned out to be a hodgepodge that included a few cups of Starship Troopers, a tablespoon of Pitch Black, a dash of The Fifth Element, and perhaps a pinch of Ultraviolet. In spite of these ingredients, the story came out horridly underdone and lacking in any original flavor.  Did I mention that the film is made from cheap ingredients?

Entertainment:  Good | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  None

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50:  Second in Command

In this film, we see the illustrious Jean-Claude Van Damme playing an officer who becomes "Second in Command" of this embassy where a bunch of terrorists are trying to bust in and take over the place.  Lots of shooting ensues.  Unfortunately, none if it is really that interesting, the film is not great, and it’s quite forgettable overall.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  None

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49:  L'avventura

This is as exciting as it gets...

Somebody once claimed that I haven’t seen enough “good” movies, and listed this one as an example of what “good” apparently means.  L'avventura is a “good” film, certainly; it has very pretty photography and locales, and there’s nothing wrong with its acting or writing.  Problem is, absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING happens in this film.  It’s two hours of rich snobs wandering around, trying to figure out what to do with themselves.  Then somebody goes missing, and in an act of perfect stupidity, the characters looking for this missing person falls in love and forgets about her.   I can understand that this is a story that emphasizes the loneliness and isolation of rich, disillusioned couples, having to forcibly search out adventure to break up the dull monotony of their lives.  And yet, they’ve also succeeded in making the film itself dull, monotonous, and lifeless.

Entertainment:  None | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Excellent | Resonance:  Very Low

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48:  Lawnmower Man 2

The first Lawnmower Man movie was a pretty weird trip, but man, tripping through this sequel is weirder yet! This movie can’t figure out if it’s catering to adults (since there is one bad curse word, and quite a lot of explosive action) or kids (because the tone overall is very light and fluffy, and a bunch of light-cycle-riding kids are featured in the film).  At times it entertains with its bad dialogue, its cheap special effects, and its poor craftsmanship.  But let’s face it, this story really sucks, and makes the first film look like The Godfather.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Marginal

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47:  Caligula

This movie will make your eyes bleed too!

Everybody’s going to remember this film, because it’s loaded up with lots of perverse, hardcore sex and violence.  Going through this movie is like a benchmark to see just how much R-rated and X-rated material you can stomach.  It’s still the most graphic movie I’ve ever seen (although, not necessarily the bloodiest or the most disturbing).  But if you strip away all that perversity, there’s not much of a story left, and the film looks incredibly gaudy.  It’s a shame too, because the star power here is strong, and Malcolm McDowell makes a good Emperor Caligula.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Awful | Film:  Very Poor | Resonance:  Marginal

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46:  Recon 2020:  The Caprini Massacre

This came as a bonus feature to Battlespace, which was listed above.  This feature does have its action and a few amusing lines, but the story is pretty bland.  It looks like the filmmakers went to some construction yard and filmed a bunch of stuff; it’s all rather cheap.

They’ve made more Recon 2020 films since, but I’m not interested enough.

Entertainment:  Pretty Good | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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45:  Galaxy of Terror

Insert hentai joke here.

One of many horrid B-movies that Roger Corman produced, but this one takes place in space! This film does boast some nifty special effects, and a memorable scene involving a woman and a scary space worm.  Regardless, the story isn’t very substantial, and the film is still very cheap in a lot of areas.

Entertainment:  Marginal | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  Quite Low

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44:  Chaos (2005)

This is basically the exact same story as Last House on the Left, which in itself is a weird, gaudy, violent piece of work.  Chaos is quite a bit rougher with the style, and is also rougher with the violence (which is sickening at times, and ultimately most gratuitous).  It’s a dark and brutal film that holds up a thin veil of a message, trying to tell the audience that you really shouldn’t let your beloved teenagers run free on their own without telling anyone where they are.  It might have all been more effective if the film actually had a story, and wasn’t all that trashy and tasteless.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Marginal | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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43:  Titanic II

I always thought that a sequel for Titanic was meant to be a joke.  Because, you know, the ship sank! Well, leave it to the Sci-Fi channel (still refuse to call it “Sy-Fy”) to take the joke seriously and produce this low-budget affair.  It involves a modern ship called the Titanic which unsurprisingly undergoes a disaster.  Entertaining, more or less, but not particularly good or memorable.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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42:  Warbus II

The wheels on the bus go round and round...

I haven’t even seen Warbus I.  Ah well, this sequel does have a few entertaining war scenes, and once they bust out the actual warbus, it is quite novel.  Still, I really couldn’t feel much for the story or characters, and the film looks cheap.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Poor | Film:  Awful | Resonance:  Very Low

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41:  The Omen IV:  The Awakening

Here, they attempted to generate the drama of the Antichrist’s birth from a little girl’s point of view.  The result isn’t particularly thrilling.  It didn’t make for a very good story.  It wasn’t even well-made at all.  And after all this time, I’ve forgotten most of it.  Stick with the original instead.

Entertainment:  Average | Story:  Very Poor | Film:  Quite Poor | Resonance:  None

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40:  The Specialist

Don’t remember much about this generic action picture either.  All I know is that Sharon Stone and Sylvester Stallone are in it, shooting people, stopping bombs from blowing up, and stuff.  It was a dull story and a dull film altogether.

Entertainment:  Poor | Story:  Poor | Film:  Poor | Resonance:  None

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To be continued...