As much of a cinema nerd as I am, I’ve always toyed and tinkered around with trying to create a solid
top 100 list of best and favorite movies. It’s never been truly definitive, because tastes change in time; I tend to love certain movies one moment, only to discover later that they had weaknesses or no real lasting power.
Thus, I decided to recalculate things. Instead of focusing just on movie ratings and my gut instinct, I analyzed each film’s entertainment value, storytelling prowess, craftsmanship, and perhaps most importantly, whether or not a film truly resonates with me. The results have been surprising, but I got to admit, it makes for a list that I can truly call definitive.
Before I divulge into talking about my faves, I’ve also taken the liberty of looking at the bottom of the list, to create a top 100 list of least favorite movies. These are movies that barely entertain (those that achieve a good entertainment score are often entertaining for all the wrong reasons), have terrible stories, and show poor craftsmanship. It’s pretty darn incredible to think that I’ve managed to sit through all of these, and it’s a little disconcerting that I actually own some of these. A few are highly-regarded, but I’ve never been one to allow acclaim and prestige to skew my opinions; whether it’s a polished arthouse work, a multi-million-dollar blockbuster, or something made in a dude’s back yard...if it rubbed me the wrong way, it made the list. Chances are good that my opinion could be totally changed on some of these, but at the time of this writing, this list is definitive (and most of these films are really bad).
So, without further ado, here it is…
Al’s Top 100 Worst Movies:
100: Inland Empire
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| Three letters define this film...WTF?!! |
This movie makes it at the very brink of the list because it is easily the weirdest film I’ve ever seen. And yes, it is weirder than Eraserhead. In fact, both films are made by the same director: David Lynch. Eraserhead is a so weird and memorable of a trip that it manages to come off as a work of brilliance in its own twisted way; Inland Empire is more like an epic convoluted mess. It runs for three hours, and is loaded up with scenes that make very little sense (including numerous scenes in which a family of bunny rabbits sit in a living room). Those who are artistically inclined will likely draw solid interpretations and theories from the film, and may even declare it a masterpiece in its own right. As for myself, I’m left wondering “what the Hell was that?!”
Entertainment: Marginal | Story: Poor | Film: Average | Resonance: Marginal
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99: Eat, Pray, Love
Naturally, romance movies aren’t my forte. Most fall in the vast gray area in between being “good” and “bad.” But this one makes the list because I have an exceptional abhorrence towards it. For the most part, I feel that the main character is a flake; she goes through the motions of finding enlightenment of sorts, but her international journey comes off as a contrived and shallow effort. Without learning or understanding anything, it’s just a movie about a dippy woman who travels, eats a lot, talks to people, finds a cool dude, falls in love, and that’s it. Come to think of it, that’s much of a story, is it? The best that can be said is that the film looks pretty.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Good | Resonance: Very Low
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98: Jaws: The Revenge
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| Stalk much? |
Look out! The shark will follow you across the world and eat you!
Jaws 3-D was pushing things as it was; it entertained, but it also had some fairly dumb moments. This fourth installment is just all-around asinine, as it is dull and unmemorable. I recommend the first two movies instead.
Funnily enough, this is not the only movie on the list involving sharks…
Entertainment: Average | Story: Average | Film: Average | Resonance: None
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97: Behind Enemy Lines
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| Run away from the film! RUN!!! |
This was a fairly promising, action-packed war flick of sorts. It has a very simple, easily-digestible premise, loaded up with frequent action scenes and a gripping struggle for survival. In professional hands (maybe from somebody like Ridley Scott, Steven Spielberg, etc), it could have really been something epic. As it is, the film is a stylistic mess. It seems that more than half of it is filmed with the erratic hand-held shakey-cam effect…but then the film speeds it up, slows it down, and pauses for some frames, serving to turn an already unbearable filming style into brutal torture. And without any substance in the story to redeem it, the film comes off as a gaudy and indistinct. While I’m sure this film has a following, I find it way too agitating to watch.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Quite Poor | Resonance: Low
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96: Halloween: Resurrection
I’ve never been wholly fond of the
Halloween movies to start with; I find the first one rather dull, and actually prefer the second, third, and fourth ones instead. Number five was somewhat entertaining; I don’t care for number six;
H20 looks slick, but I don’t care for it that much. So,
Halloween: Resurrection is the eighth in the series; it pits Michael Meyers against a group of kids with cameras. That means the film itself is shot from the point-of-view from those cameras, giving the film that same shakey and erratic hand-held charm that went into the
Blair Witch Project. The story for this is extremely thin, and the characters tend to be quite stupid. Thus, the film proves to be only marginally entertaining (and certainly not scary).
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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95: Dragonball: Evolution
Hollywood’s attempt to bring the popular anime series to the big screen resulted in a film that’s all style and no substance…as usual. I still haven’t seen the original
DBZ, but I keep hearing good things about it, and this movie makes a butchery out of it. The story? It has something to do with a kid getting all superpowered and stopping a green bad guy from doing evil stuff. The film? Rather cheap and cheesy. Does it entertain? Somewhat, but interested parties can probably do better with the original Japanese cartoon.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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94: Rebirth of Mothra II
The first
Rebirth of Mothra film is so stupid, so cheap, so awful in its execution, it makes me laugh for the whole two hours, turning it into one of the most unintentionally funny films of all time. I think that’s the only reason why it didn’t make this list, but its sequel did. This sequel sets out to be a little more earnest, but winds up being less entertaining or memorable that way. At this point, all I remember about it is the big, fluffy, fake-looking moth, and a bunch of people running around some pyramids or something. Chances are that kids might dig this material, but I seriously don’t recommend either
Rebirth of Mothra films.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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93: Twin Daggers
A moderately entertaining martial arts action flick, but of a rather poor quality. I don’t really remember the story for this, but I do remember that the fight scenes, and most setpieces, are quite cheap and cheesy.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Low
92: Hologram Man
This could be the most entertaining film on this list; it’s loaded up with lots of shootouts and fights and stuff! However, this film is as cheap as they come, especially in regards to its special effects. The story for this is quite absurd. Like a hologram, it’s fun, but lacking in solid substance.
Entertainment: Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Awful | Resonance: Marginal
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91: Scary Movie 2
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| The bird's cute...until it starts defecating on the walls for no reason... |
The first
Scary Movie movie pushed my limit for what’s tasteful and “funny.” This follow-up offers much more of the same, including a lot more sick, gross, and vulgar comedy. It disgusted me ten years ago; if I revisit it today, I predict that it still won’t make me laugh that much, even if I could stomach the crudeness. The film has nothing much beneath the surface either; the story is as weak as it could possibly be (despite the comedic possibility of lampooning haunted house stories), and the film shows minimal craftsmanship.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Very Poor | Film: Marginal | Resonance: Marginal
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90: Creepshow 3
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| Your face after watching this movie. |
This series just isn’t much without George A Romero and Stephen King behind the wheel. This comes off as a
Creepshow wannabe; its spirit is misdirected, the stories are all wrong, and the film itself seems amateurish. It is mildly interesting at times, but hardly enough to call it worth the time. It’s much better to stick with the first two movies. Want more? There are always films like
Tales from the Dark Side, Cat’s Eye, Trick R Treat, and
Chillerama to quench your thirst for horror story anthologies. By all means, stay away from this monstrosity!
Entertainment: Average | Stories: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Marginal
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89: Jade Warrior
Interestingly, this is a Finnish film about Chinese warriors and stuff. The film does have its nice, visual moments, and the story tries its best to create a good narrative structure. Unfortunately, the movie fails to really capture interest, especially since there are myriads of better epics out there.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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88: Ocean’s Eleven (1960)
This original caper has all the star power and tries its best to be snazzy. Back in the day, it probably was. These days, it’s fallen in the shadow of Stephen Soderbergh’s hip and stylish remake, which blows all this out of the water. Even on its own merits, the original
Ocean’s 11 is not really all that thrilling, and I couldn’t care less about its story or craftsmanship.
Entertainment: Poor | Story: Average | Film: Average | Very Low
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87: Manchurian Candidate (2004)
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| I believe in Harvey Dent. ...oops, wrong movie... |
The original
Manchurian Candidate had enough substance to go with its style; in fact, the substance is pretty hard-hitting, if you stop to consider the possibilities. Adapting this same story for the modern age just doesn’t work all that well; the basic concept of brainwashing a political candidate could certainly be possible at any era, but the story in this remake comes off as way too convoluted, trying too hard to mix up the old with the new. Even with quality actors putting on quality performances, none of the characters really stood out. The film offers some really trippy effects, but overall it’s still not as effective as the original. In all fields, the original film dominates.
Entertainment: Poor | Story: Average | Film: Average | Resonance: Very Low
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86: The Doomsday Machine
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| Spacemen travel in style! |
A fairly entertaining sci-fi flick, about a group of astronauts sent into space as the world explodes. So naturally, it’s up to them to settle somewhere and repopulate the species. It’s a fairly interesting plot, marred by one too many stupid moments, and further inhibited by an extremely weak production value. The redeeming value is, among all B-movies, this one does entertain.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Awful | Resonance: Marginal
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85: Cloverfield
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| The one and only cool scene in the movie. |
This production had a promising concept. The idea of presenting this monster invasion story all from the perspective of a dude’s camera (taping over some footage of an old girlfriend) does offer solid narrative and stylistic opportunities. Unfortunately, with the first half-hour spent at a stupid party filled with stupid immature kids, I was left hating all of them and wishing the monster would devour them all. When the awesome action scenes do finally appear, it’s way too hard to see what’s going on, thanks to the herky-jerky camera movements. I think I’ll stick with Roland Emmerich’s
Godzilla, thank you very much…
Entertainment: Average | Story: Average | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Low
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84: The People That Time Forgot
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| The one and only cool place in the movie. |
This follow-up to
The Land That Time Forgot presents a mildly interesting adventure that pits explorers against natives, with lots of crazy erupting volcanoes and stuff. It entertains okay, but doesn’t really have an engaging story, and part of the film look pretty darn cheap and gaudy. At this point, I’m ready to forget about this film, just like time did.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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83: Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon
You know, after seeing so many historical epics coming out of Asia, they all start to run together. I don’t even remember what’s so great about this movie, much less what could set it apart from
Mulan, Red Cliff, War of the Arrows,
Warlords, that Genghis Kahn movie, or God knows what else. Mildly entertaining, but utterly forgettable.
Entertainment: Average | Story: Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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82: Kull the Conqueror
That’s right, Kevin Sorbo, the dude who once played Hercules, starred in his very own fantasy epic. He tried his best to best the machismo of
Conan the Barbarian, but he resulted in making a movie out of nothing but cheese. I can’t say I remember the plot, and I certainly couldn’t tell you if it really matters or not. That’s just how memorable this schlock is.
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Poor | Film: Average| Resonance: None
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81: Scary Movie 4
You know, I actually found this one (along with #3) way funnier than the first two
Scary Movie movies. That doesn’t mean it’s really that great. This storyline pretty much rehashes the exact same formula of
Scary Movie 3, and just swaps out the movies and pop culture references that the movie parodied. The result: a movie that looks and acts the part, but is dumber than dirt.
Entertainment: Good | Story: Awful | Film: Average | Resonance: Very Low
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80: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
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| Watching this movie makes me scream and shoot lightning from my hands, just like this! |
Wow, I didn’t think it could get worse than
Superman III, but somehow it did. I’ll hand it to the film that it does achieve some level of coolness with Nuclear Man, and his epic pursuit of the Man of Steel. The story is noble, as it tries to emphasize nuclear disarmament, but it also comes off as pushy (and perhaps a little naive, for us right-wing folks). Thanks to a barrage of budget cuts and cutting corners, the film suffers tremendously, and it really is the worst Superman movie to date (hopefully, it’ll stay that way; I got high hopes for
Zack Snyder’s upcoming reboot).
Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Very Poor | Film: Poor | Resonance: Low
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To be continued...
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