Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 2

Introduction and Updates
Part 1 (100 - 81)

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80: Alien From L.A. (1988)

Last time I checked, this was pretty close to the end of imdb’s bottom 100 list. It’s there for a good reason: despite one or two charming moments, the film is not all that funny or fun. You'd think a movie about a nerdy girl going on an underground adventure into Atlantis could be fun, but it's actually a pretty daft. Cheap production quality makes the experience garish, and the film leaves no lasting impact.

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79: Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)

In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!

It's a movie about Nazis in the Earth's core, and they reincarnated Hitler as a cyborg, so what's not to love?

Like many other Asylum pictures, this is a shallow and cheap movie that offers a funny premise in terrible quality. This one is especially disappointing in how vapid and slowly-paced it is, largely because the film takes itself pretty seriously. Bland characters with no motivation, bad editing, and bad effects drag the experience way down.

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78: HG Wells' War Of The Worlds (2005)

HG Wells deserves better than this. While this version of War of the Worlds makes at least some effort to remain true to the source material, it's a slog of a movie and is not particularly memorable. At it's best, it's bland--at its worst though, you can definitely expect poor special effects, lame acting, and cheap quality to sully the experience. While the other versions of this story never really adapted Wells' story accurately, they're at least more watchable than this.

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77: Beneath Loch Ness (2002)

You'd think a campy monster film set in Loch Ness would be fun. This direct-to-video flick skimps on the camp and offers a straight-faced thriller that's not very exciting or memorable. Special effects are so poor that they fail to live up to the hype of seeing an actual Loch Ness monster. It's all framed in a bland story full of stock characters who speak in horrible, inauthentic accents. It's all a cheap and ugly affair--you'd have a funner time visiting Lake Placid.

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76: Apocalypse 2012: The World After Time Ends (2011)

Remember when the world ended in 2012? Yeah, I don't either. Just a year before the apocalypse that never happened, this documentary aired as pure fearmongering fodder. Cheaply slapped together with stock footage, bad special effects, and some talking heads from crackpots, the film peddles pseudoscience and myth to hypothesize what would come, and make suggestions on how we should live our lives in a post-2012 world. Given that we're all still here and little had changed, the film is now just a funny relic from a brief time when people put serious credence into a ridiculous doomsday theory. It was funny then, but it's probably funnier now.

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75: Barbarella (1968) 

Granted that I don't really know how the original Barbarella comic is, I really couldn't stomach this movie as the titular queen of the galaxy spends the whole runtime acting stupid and being victimized. Even if this is the movie's point, it makes for a very boring plotline, where Barbarella outlasts every obstacle through objectification and accidents, before some character comes along to infodump things on her. Not to mention, the film is famously garish with its unbelievably cheap quality--a shag carpet spaceship, plastic vehicles, everything is just fake-looking.

The only thing less palatable is Jane Fonda herself, of whom I'm decidedly not a fan. Nearly every role I see her in, I find myself annoyed, but this is is by far the role I hate her in the most. I went into this movie wanting to see a good heroine in space--she delivered narcissism masked by female objectification and hippy-age nonsense. Robert Rodriguez and Nicholas Winding Refn were both pegged to remake this schlock--I have hope that somebody will resurrect this franchise eventually and make it better.

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74: Titanic II (2010)

Making a sequel to Cameron's Titanic was always a film lover's joke, but it looks like somebody took it too seriously. Asylum (of course) unleashed this droll, cheap disaster flick under the unimaginative premise that a second Titanic ship was built. The film that follows is itself a disaster, lackluster in its acting, photography, and effects. As straight as the movie plays it, it's not terribly memorable--maybe an added sharknado would have helped?

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73: Rollerball (2002)

I have no idea who asked for a remake of the gritty 1975 film, and I certainly don't know anybody who'd take what John McTiernan did to this story. It's the same old death sport shenanigans, but made a lot more unbearable thanks to a garish production quality (one that actually makes the Rollerball matches painfully tight within plastic-looking corridors and such--this sport doesn't look all that badass anymore, jeez). The film is even more unwatchable during one awful sequence filmed entirely in night-vision. An all-star cast and a hip soundtrack can't save this stale film from being so bland, ugly, and unmemorable.

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72:  Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

Cheer up Goku

I'm not even a Dragonball fan per se, but even I know that a good Hollywood adaptation is not supposed to be like this.

James Wong's adaptation of the anime feels like a cheap kid's film--in particular, one that skimps out on quality effects and acting and cranks the cheese level up to an extreme degree. It also cheaps out on the script, delivering a shallow and contrived story with no characters to really like or root for. Even though the Watchowskis made Speed Racer a bit cartoonish and kid-friendly, it was still true to its source. And even The Last Airbender acted like it tried. This one--nah, Dragonball deserved better.

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71: Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

Okay, this is a little better than the 2000 film...except when it isn't. The film does have the merit of a better-looking production, edgier graphics, and a more serious cast. It's also more devoid of spirit--without that goofy "so bad it's good" camp, the film comes off as drab and stale. Bruce Payne is the only returning figure here (and he's a hoot as always), but the film leaves even less of an impact as its predecessor. And that says a lot.

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70: Heart Of America (2002)

Heart of America is what you get when a German doctor wants to make films and use them as a platform to bellow vague opinions on hot topic issues--in this case, school shootings. Uwe Boll shows no subtlety in handling such sensitive topics, and the film is laughably cliched in the way it shows bullying and domestic problems. At its worst, the film even comes off as exploitative, thanks to the way Boll shoots violence, filthy details, and sex as a way to jazz up the film with shock value, but without layering the necessary emotional oomph.

Those are just the overarching story problems--the film is further hampered by its cheap look and glaring continuity errors. The actors do the best they can, but the writing does poor justice to their talents and the story's ambitions. The film's watchable (and hell, Ron Howard liked it), but I saw little to admire personally.

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69: Creepshow 3 (2006)

The cake eater is a lie

Divorced from Stephen King and George Romero, this is really only Creepshow in name. Lame animations and god-awful CGI effects bookend this collection of tales, all of which are presented in dubious quality. I honestly don't mind some of them, but the tone is all over the place and the horror never really hits home. The film looks cheap and awful. Performances aren't up to snuff. I don't even know how or why this exists--we're good with the first two films, thanks anyway.

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68: Princess Of Mars (2009)

A John Carter knock-off (from Asylum--of course it would be one of their things). While the 2012 film aims for spectacle, iconography, and adventure, this earlier B-movie lacks all of that and has about as much excitement as a wet cloth. Performances are laughably campy. Action and special effects are lame. The movie looks cheap and ugly. Chances are you'd only watch it because you mistook it for another film (or maybe Traci Lords caught your eye?).

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67: The Last Sentinel (2007)

Still hyped from her Battlestar Galactica fame, Katee Sackhoff flexes her muscles in this cheap, bland flick that would have excited me years ago, but is now entirely forgettable. It amounts to a stale plot involving supersoldiers and cyborgs, all ripped from films that have handled the tropes and settings in better quality. There is action and it tries so hard to have an edge, but with the bland production quality and effects, it barely leaves a mark.

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66: Apollo 18 (2011)

The found footage genre reaches space! Conceptually, this film achieves what it wants to fine, but I still think it's quite the drab film and an uninspired story. The film dryly moonwalks through the usual array of horror-movie tricks, using a cast of cardboard-cutout characters to guide us to a disappointing payoff. I didn't like the film's style to begin with, but the meat of it is not particularly fulfilling either.

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65: House Of The Dead (2003)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!

You remember those House of the Dead games where you pick up a gun and shoot at zombies on a screen? Well, the film will make sure you remember, because for some weird reason it intercut scenes from the game into its action sequences. Nothing takes you out of a movie more than a few random seconds of video game clips that remind you of potentially better media. Nice going Uwe.

Like other Boll movies, this one tries so hard to be edgy, dark, and cool, but all the stylistic flourishes (which includes Matrix-style bullet-time camera rotations) and gore can't lift the film beyond its cheap look, the horrible performances, and the stupidity of the script. You can watch this for a laugh (and I believe a "funny cut" exists that would further exaggerate the "so bad it's good" effect). Most folks would be better off not watching it at all.

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64: The Day The Earth Stopped (2008)

You might not remember how in 2008 Keanu Reeves starred in a remake for The Day The Earth Stood Still. This film is the obligatory mockbuster meant to confuse you into watching a laughably inferior film (and it really says something considering that the '08 Day the Earth Stood Still was met with more yawns than applause).

The premise is the same, but not nearly as memorable or pointed. Bland photography, editing, production quality, and effects makes this a droll experience. Can't say I remember a thing about Judd Nelson's performance, but I'm almost willing to cut the film some slack for Sinead McCafferty (even then, might be more because of the amount of skin she bares). Writing is bad, especially in the way it pompously loads up the movie with preachy monologues. You'd be better off watching the 1951 original.

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63: Laserhawk (1997)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good! Somebody posted this entire movie on Youtube.

I suspect Mark Hamill needed money in '97.

Laserhawk offers an interesting premise--one that surprisingly mirrors Jupiter Ascending. Laserhawk, however, is a far cheaper movie with a lamer script. The action is ambitious and explosive, but performances (except maybe Hamill) leave much to be desired. The cheap props and effects won't elicit much excitement. It's not a total bore though--the camp and schlock keeps it about as lightweight and watchable as those Nemesis flicks.

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62: Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

So Bad, It's Good!

An infamous piece of schlock from the infamous Ed Wood--Plan 9 is an ambitious picture that encapsulates the mysteries of flying saucers and the living dead, but the film shows zero competence to sell itself. The cheap production doesn't help, but the performances are laughably over-the-top, the shortcuts are glaring, and the mistakes are obvious. What's worse is that the film is loaded with exposition-heavy dialogue that will beat you over the head with its message in its last scene (well, wait a minute, this film was funded by preachers wasn't it? Maybe some preaching is to be expected--I don't mind hearing it from Criswell).

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61: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Oh yeah, this is a movie that pits a ginormous shark against a ginormous octopus. Sounds like a winner, right?

Nope. It's as stupid as it sounds. The film does aim for absurdity that will elicit a laugh or two (the shark leaps out of the water to catch a passenger airliner--what's not to love). Beyond those moments though, the film is barely memorable with its bland cast, production quality, and horrid effects. Unnecessary camera shake aggravates more than helps. The actual monster battles amount to little more than a CGI mess that's recycled over and over again. Everything else is surprisingly boring.

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To be continued...

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Part 1

Introduction and Updates

I apologize in advance for some screencaps being such low quality. Considering that I don't own many of these movies anymore, I found out very quickly that it's difficult finding stills with just an image search, so I've resorted to scouring other sources (like Youtube, where apparently some folks upload VHS-quality recordings--yikes).

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100: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!

And I thought Superman had hit rock bottom when he started drinking and acting crazy in Superman III. Nope--Christopher Reeves had one last outing in the red and blue suit, but the man probably deserved more than this. Budget cuts really hamstrung this production, forcing the film to cut nearly 45 minutes out of its runtime while taking some cheap shortcuts to patch the remnants together into the vague semblance of a story. The result doesn't make much sense though. I mean, since when does Superman have the bizarre power to stare at a wall and have it repair itself in seconds? How can regular people breathe in space? Did Superman just plug a volcano with a mountain? None of this makes sense.

It's made far less palatable through the film's final quality, which shows cheapness at every turn. Special effects are at their most unrefined, and some are just plain ugly. Costumes and props are as fake as they come. And the script feels under-cooked, offering nothing to the franchise other than some Cold War era PSA message supporting nuclear disarmament. Total shifts don't help much.

I gotta say though, this can be a fun mess to watch if you just want to see a bunch of things blow up senselessly. I always kinda liked Nuclear Man as a villain--sometimes the best thing is to just sit back and watch two superpowered dudes pummel each other in crazy ways.

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99: Graveyard Shift (1991)

In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!

For every great Stephen King movie that exists, there are probably two or more other movies that are rather poor. Graveyard Shift stands as one of the cheesiest of the lot, which really says something when compared to Maximum Overdrive or the many made-for-TV movies that were pumped out. Acting is quite over-the-top, mostly in a very bad way. All save for Brad Dourif, whose performance is a delight to watch. It's a shame that the film he's in is so dour and cheap.

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98: Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!

Sometimes, it's fun to laugh at a buffoon. Tom Green somehow makes it hard when he spends so much of his own film acting like a crazy man-child, always flying off the handle, throwing things, and acting like a hyper two-year-old. What's worse is that the film banks so much on shock value. No, watching this guy gut a deer and put its skin on is not funny. Watching him twirl a newborn baby from its umbilical chord is just gut-wrenching. That scene with the elephant--why even? And the last shot--that right there betrayed the film's intention to constantly pull the rug from the audience with tastelessness right up to the last minute.

There is an interesting argument floating around that the film strives to be an anti-comedy of sorts--a Dadaist work that purposefully deconstructs late-90s comedies and underscores things we shouldn't actually laugh at. I fear that calling this some kind of post-modern masterpiece is giving Tom Green too much credit--I'm pretty sure he made this junk just because he could, and he pushed certain boundaries because that's what he does. I think he went a little far.

I gotta admit though, I do get a chuckle out of a few specific bits (like the whole "Backwards Man" thing, or the insane way Tom eats a sandwich). It's interesting to ponder the film's place in the world of comedy, but I'm not sure if the gross humor and annoying character is worth putting up with.

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97: Troll 2 (1990)

THE CAKE IS A LIE

So Bad It's Good!

Well, let's face it, Troll 1 wasn't exactly a masterpiece either--it narrowly escapes the list because it's at least earnest. Its sequel though--yeesh.

This bizarre, illogical abomination boasts some of the most over-the-top performances you'll ever see, often reaching heights of absurdity that makes it laughable and meme-worthy. In fact, the sheer amount of ridiculous things (including an inexplicable make-out scene with popcorn) makes it consistently funny, and many would cite this as the best worst movie of all time. I got to admit, it is more memorable than its predecessor for all the wrong reasons, but even on its own, the film's a hoot.

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96: Airborne (1998)

So Bad It's Good!

Steve Guttenberg stars as the main action hero!

Stop and let that sink in. This is Steve Guttenberg we're talking about here--the guy best known for Police Academy, now cast as a gritty hotshot spy like Jason Bourne or something.

This isn't a comedy, but the film had me laughing quite a bit. Much of it was because of Guttenberg's performance, who unironically delivered every line so seriously that he can't even be taken seriously. Leave it to him to make a line like "I still don't like you Murdock" sound unconvincing. It's a real shame, because he's surrounded by an impressive cast that actually pulls their weight (props to Sean Bean and Colm Feore, who manage to do the best with the garbage they're given). The movie itself is rather stale, trite, ridiculous, and cheap. It tells a pretty bland story that's ultimately rendered pointless thanks to a stupid plot twist at the end. On the other hand, the film is rarely boring.

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95: Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

So Bad It's Good!

Dungeons are cool. Dragons are cool. So how could this film mess up both so badly?

D&D fans will be quick to dismiss this as a disgrace to the D&D name. On the merits of fantasy fiction, the movie plays out like sloppily-written fan-fiction you'd find on Wattpad. It amounts to stock characters playing through a cliched storyline with predictable story beats, and it's all made less palatable thanks to the abundance of low-quality props and CGI, cringey comedy, and bizarre creative choices. To say nothing of the endless continuity errors, plot holes, and script problems.

However, over-the-top performances by Jeremy Irons and Bruce Payne (the latter of whom sports blue lipstick for some reason) are a hoot. The sheer level of camp makes this entertaining, but it's barely enough to elevate this beyond an extreme guilty pleasure.

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94: The Room (2003)

Oh hai guys

So Bad It's Good!

So this is what you get when a mysterious fellow from parts unknown wanders into Hollywood with enough money to buy his own cameras (both digital and analog to shoot simultaneously for some reason) and has a deep desire to recapture the dramatic nuances of James Dean and Tennessee Williams, but lacks all skill. Not to mention, Tommy Wiseau may be a vampire? Not sure if he's Cajun or Eastern European, but both are vampire country...

Wiseau blew a whopping six million bucks to film The Room based on his own script--maybe the most amateur writing ever committed to a film. And the film itself may be one of the most amateur films ever made--the thing is just stuffed with awkward performances, bizarre lines, bizarre creative decisions (like a random scene where dudes play football in tuxedos), all glued together with cheap editing.

All the film's quirks, however, does make it extremely laughable and meme-worthy. There is a fair amount of drag between the funnier scenes, given that the story is paper-thin and doesn't carry as much dramatic weight as Wiseau intended. The movie gained a cult status for its sheer ineptness, and I'm happy to be in on the joke (thanks not only to the film community that continues to roast this nonsense, but also to the book The Disaster Artist, which sheds a lot of light on the film's background and is a really funny read in itself--although, it is worth noting that Wiseau's direction did result in a production that seemed unnecessarily strained and painful).

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93: BloodRayne (2005)

So Bad It's Good!

Some years before I actually played a BloodRayne video game and understood its brand, and years before I understood who Uwe Boll was, I gravitated towards this film expecting nothing more than exploitative Transylvanian adventure. The film generally delivers in the sense that there are vampires, plenty of gory combat, some skin, and the semblance of an adventure story complete with trap-ridden crypts and secret societies.

Rumor has it that the some cast members were drunk while this was filmed, and it shows sometimes. Michael Madsen gives the most bored-looking performance I've ever seen. I don't know what a guy like Ben Kingsley is doing in a film like this, but if they replaced him with a stone edifice little would have changed. But at least Michelle Rodriguez looks great kicking butt like she does. It's largely Kistanna Loken who carries the film and keeps it watchable--but even she can't help the poor editing, horrible writing, and garish production quality.

The best that can be said is that I never found the film boring, and I always felt that its brand of pulpy gothic adventure marries with vampire myth pretty well. But franchise fans will be quick to note that this film has hardly anything to do with the original video games.

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92: Ninja Terminator (1985)

So Bad It's Good!

This bad boy can be seen in its entirety on Youtube! And it has to be seen to be believed.

I can't help but to think of this as an unholy union between one movie that's probably meant to be taken seriously (that being 1984's Uninvited Guest) and another movie that was specifically shot with the most extreme ninja combat a fistful of yen could buy. With its ridiculous dialogue (especially with the English dubbing), cheap quality, illogical story, and some scenes of inexplicable absurdity, the film is a comedy masterpiece.

Still...the film is pretty bad.

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91: Mega Piranha (2010)

So Bad It's Good!

It's a movie about piranha that become oversized, and Paul Logan plays a tough guy who has to stop them. I gotta say, Logan is a hoot to watch as he plays up the macho hero angle to the extreme and bicycle-kicks fish as they fly up at him. The movie offers its fair share of camp and absurdity, but like many Asylum pictures, this is a pretty cheap and silly affair. Parts of it are so janky that it'll elicit unintentional laughter.

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90: Hologram Man (1995)

So Bad It's Good!

A 90s B-movie beamed directly to video--as expected, the film looks cheap, is badly-acted, and has pretty gaudy special effects.

I see it as a bit of a "so bad it's good" gem though. It's hardly a bore--the film moves at a good pace and has enough explosive action to sell the movie as an adventurous experience. The plot can be pretty interesting, even if it feels like trashy pulp.

There are other mediocre films (Virtuosity, Lawnmower Man) that deal with similar premises, but only escape my bottom 100 because they're made with slightly more talent and better quality. Hologram Man is on the trashy and stupid side of fence, but it's a funner experience. Choose wisely.

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89: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

So Bad It's Good!

In the wake of Mortal Kombat's success, this sequel aims for more fights, more effects, more everything! The film just brims with action and energy, but so much of it is laughably cheesy. Acting and line delivery are often hilarious. Sets and effects are gaudy and cheap. The best this movie has to offer is a badass soundtrack. The ambitious spectacle can be eye-popping, but in this case, it might be enough to make your eyes pop out of your head (I guess that's considered a fatality?).

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88: War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (2008)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!

With the many War of the Worlds adaptations out there, it might be confusing as to what this is a sequel to (and maybe that's a way to trick people into watching it). This is a largely unnecessary follow-up on the 2005 miniseries HG Wells War of the Worlds. And guess what--that one's further down the list.

Like any good sequel does, this one cranks up the action and effects, trying so hard to bombard audiences with big-scale battles and such. What makes this marginally more memorable than its predecessor is a hint of the "so bad it's good" effect, thanks largely to Christopher Reid. I swear to god, the way this guy looks, talks, acts, it reminded me so much of this guy I used to know in Germany, and everything he said was hilarious. Good times...

Yeah, anyway, this movie sucks like the rest. Poorly shot, bad effects, stupid story. Has some funny parts though, which is more than can be said about the first one.

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87: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)

So Bad It's Good!

It's not like the first Lawnmower Man made huge waves or anything, so it's flabbergasting that there's a second one. While it's admirable in how it expands the story and effects, it's actually a very weird and bipolar experience. I can't really tell if the film is trying to be a serious cyberpunk thriller (as it should be) or a light-hearted adventure for kids. Turns out it's both, so the tonal shifts are as extreme as the over-acting. Garish production quality, sappy music, bad effects, and laughable dialogue betrays its cheapness--and yet, the film is a fun trainwreck to behold, especially when Matt Frewer chews the digital scenery.

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86: Easter Holocaust (2020)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!

The new decade just started, and look at what I found already.

It's hard to tell if this one's trying to be serious or not. On one hand, the performances with all the exaggerated southern accents are a hoot. Too much of a hoot to be accepted as straight horror. And yet, the film becomes increasingly depraved and tasteless as it goes on, slathering the experience with gore and occult imagery. It's actually downright exploitative and mean-spirited in its last half, despite the ridiculous notion of a demonic Easter Bunny. I guess it's funny, except it's not? Watch at your own peril.

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85: Captain America (1990)

Over twenty years before Marvel got its act together and put Chris Evans in the suit, we had this (plus some serials and films from the 70s, which I haven't seen). After a bumpy production history, this 90s schlock offers a low-budget adventure that strives for big action, but can never overcome its budgetary shortcomings. Hokey costumes, bad acting, and poor quality does little justice to a story that's been proven to work in the right hands. It's also amusing to see that the Cap is not above manipulating people to steal their cars--lol, wut?

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84: 2012: Ice Age (2011)

In consideration for: So Bad, It's Good!

An obvious knock-off of The Day After Tomorrow, now framed in the hokey 2012 doomsday hype that happened back in the day. In true Asylum fashion, the film is slapped together with shoddy photography, hilariously bad performances, and a story that makes hardly any sense. This film suffers even more for having some dippy characters making dumb mistakes, in addition to horrible editing that messes up all sense of continuity (sometimes for hilarious effect). Disaster movies cliches make it a bit dry and cold, but the shoddy construction and acting elevates it a little bit as an unintentional comedy.

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83: Gunfighter (1999)

Putting on a hat the manly way

In consideration for: So Bad It's Good!

A film made by Francis Ford Coppola's nephew, which includes bit parts for Charlie Sheen and Robert Carradine, which have no real purpose in the movie other than to be part of a framing device. The actual meat of the movie is no different than any other cowboy movie, save for the cheap production and some hilariously terrible acting. Cinematography is surprisingly good, but there is one hilarious shot where Chris Lybbert jumps down on top of the camera and sticks his face right up into the frame--what the hell is that?

It's not exactly a memorable or great movie, but I remember laughing at its weaknesses and enjoying it as a silly yarn. There is a sweet homespun charm to the movie, but there's no masking is threadbare writing and budget.

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82: A Wrinkle In Time (2003)

It feels like there's an effort in this version to stay faithful to Madeleine L'Engle's classic fantasy novel. A lackluster script, weak performances, and bland photography does the film no favors. What makes it outright ugly are its overabundance of CGI effects, none of which are refined or pleasing to watch. It's all a weird, ugly affair that feels cheaply slapped together. Say what you will about the 2018 film--at least it wasn't this (although maybe it's a sign that the novel is unfilmable?).

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81: Asteroid Vs Earth (2014)

What could have been a fun little disaster flick is blown so far out of proportion that it's not only laughably stupid, but it also feels like it tries to hard with so little. Not even Robert Davi and Tia Carrere can salvage this droll, overly-serious flick from sinking under its own ambitions, weight down by the cheap production, lackluster quality, and shallow script. It really says something when Armageddon shows more soul than this.

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Part 2 (80 - 61)

Al's Bottom 100 Films [2020 Update] Introduction and Notes

How it feels to watch nothing but Asylum and Troma films

When you see a certain number of films, you'll eventually reach the bottom of the barrel. It's one thing to watch a movie (like, say, The Last Jedi) and say you hate it--we all have our opinions. But reach deep enough into the barrel, and you'll find the real trash. There are movies so bad, they have to be seen to be believed. Out of over 5,000 films viewed, I've identified the 100 I enjoyed the least, and just about all of them are genuine turkeys.

I've assembled a bottom 100 least eight years ago--I figure it's about time to reevaluate my choices and list new updates. The changes are substantial, largely because the 2010s have seen a pretty huge surge of horrible cinema thanks to companies like Asylum (and I've seen a bunch of them for some bloody reason). Many others, however, I've run across because my genre interests (horror, sci-fi, action) guided me towards them--surprise, these genres are loaded with a lot of cheap junk. Direct-to-video sequels and exploitation pictures have inevitably crossed my path too. Finding the bad films can be easy--ranking them turned out to be hard.

I have to admit that once I scoured the films and/or their trailers for screencaps, there's not a whole lot I outright hate. Many of these films are ones I love in their own way, usually under the "so bad it's good" excuse--some movies are just so incompetent, all the bad acting, cheap effects, and plot holes turn them into comedies. Films are often at their worst when they don't even do this much--the ones that play so straight on bland scripts wind up becoming boring. The absolute bottom of the barrel, I find, are the films that are simultaneously boring and tasteless (usually through excessive shock value and violence).

On a forum, somebody challenged me with the question of why I would waste my time and money to purposefully watch a bad film. I answer I gave was three-fold:

1. Some are fun to laugh at, especially with other people present.
2. They teach me how to NOT tell a story.
3. It sets the bar to re-contextualize the other 4,900 films I've seen. It'd be disingenuous to call films like L'avventura, Boyhood, or Behind Enemy Lines bad when worst movies like Sharknado exist. Seeing bad movies helps define what a bad movie really is, and it helps me see the qualities (or lack thereof) in every other film.

And the thing is, I don't begrudge films for the time or money they require. They all have value to me, even if simply existing to define its value as poor. Without the occasional bad movie, I might not have as high an appreciation for good (or even so-so) cinema.

So it's come to this--my 100 least-favorite films, updated April 2020 (ah, the things we do while staying indoors during a global pandemic...).

The List

Part 1 (100 - 81)
Part 2 (80 - 61)
Part 3 (60 - 41)
Part 4 (40 - 21)
Part 5 (20 - 1)

2020 Updates

In eight years, tastes change and I realize that some films I pegged as "bad" might not actually deserve to be listed here. These are the films I had previously listed, but were taken off the new list for one reason or another. Most were simply bumped off in favor of even worse films. Others, however, I probably shouldn't have posted in the first place.

• Behind Enemy Lines (2001) (was #97--it's an irritating film, but it's watchable)
• Blair Witch Project (1999) (was #2--I did rewatch this and I still dislike it, but it's edged out by some decidedly worse "found footage" films)
• Caligula (1979) (was #47--I somehow found the constitution to rewatch this, and found it okay actually. Yes, it's gaudy X-rated trash, but there is a fair character study buried in there and I'm slowly warming up to the film. It just barely misses my list)
• Carnival of Souls (1962) (was #31--did rewatch and found it more agreeable)
• Cloverfield (2008) (was #85--I have reasons to dislike the film, but it's still not the worst thing ever) 
• Dementia 13 (1963) (was #33--this one seems to have a bit of a cult following, especially as an early Francis Ford Coppola picture, and I've been meaning to give it a rewatch/reevaluation)
• Domino (2005) (was #39--I finally rewatched this in full, and while I still find it a bit choppy and garish, it's not quite bad enough to make the list)
• Eat Pray Love (2010) (was #99--still not a fan, but it's a perfectly watchable film)
• Galaxy of Terror (1981) (was #45--it's on my agenda to rewatch and reevaluate pretty soon)
• Halloween: Resurrection (2002) (was #96)
• The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009) (was #77)
• I Could Read the Sky (1999) (was #4--I distinctly remember not liking the way this film was put together, but it's possible I'm being too harsh on it and I might have missed the point of it. I decided it probably doesn't deserve to be listed)
• Ice Pirates (1984) (was #74--I honestly was probably too harsh on this one)
• Inland Empire (2006) (was #100--been wanting to rewatch and reevaluate)
• Jade Warrior (2006) (was #89--been wanting to reevaluate)
• Kull: The Conqueror (1997) (was #82)
• L'avventura (1960) (was #49--I disliked this one quite a bit for the same reasons I dislike certain other arthouse films--lack of pace and narrative momentum in particular. The film is cited as one of the best ever made though. It's on my agenda to rewatch and reevaluate the film at some point, but regardless of how I feel about it, it genuinely doesn't deserve to be grouped together with the other garbage on the list)
• Lost in Translation (2003) (was #54--I did rewatch this recently after nearly fifteen years. I'm still not a fan. But I can't fault the film much--it is well-made, well-acted, and something worth seeing. It does not deserve to be on the list)
• The Manchurian Candidate (2004) (was #87)
• Miami Vice (2002) (was #58--the movie has a following and chances are I'm being too harsh on it. Been meaning to rewatch and reevaluate--it might be a good gem that I didn't quite appreciate when I saw it nearly two decades ago)
• Ocean's Eleven (1960) (was #88--still a bigger fan of the remakes, but this probably doesn't deserve to be put on the list) 
• Open Water (2003) (was #34--been meaning to reevaluate)
• The People That Time Forgot (1977) (was #84)
• Prom Night (2008) (was #59)
• Rebirth of Mothra II (1997) (was #94--been wanting to reevaluate)
• S. Darko (2009) (was #75)
• Scary Movie 2 (2001) (was #91--been wanting to reevaluate)
• Scary Movie 4 (2006) (was #81--I mean, it's not good, but I remember laughing at one or two things)
• Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004) (was #78--did rewatch, still didn't care for it that much, but it deserves props for what it tries to do)
• The Specialist (1994) (was #40)
• Star Runners (2011) (was #51)
• Storm Warriors (2009) (was #73)
• Supernova (2000) (was #53--been wanting to rewatch and reevaluate. I do remember this was pretty slow and drab, but I've actually seen worse)
• Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon (2008) (was #83)
• Twin Daggers (2008) (was #93)

2020 Runner Ups

These are the films I almost listed. Some of these were on the old list I made in 2012--there was simply no room for them all.

• Afghanistan: The Last Warbus (1989) (was #42)
• Atlantis: Milo's Return (2003)
• Bella Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)
• Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows (2000) 
• Blubberella (2011) 
• Brother's Justice (2010) (was #57)
• CHUD (1984) 
• Conquest (1983) (was #20)
• Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)
• Doom: Annihilation (2019)
• Dragonheart: A New Beginning (2000)
• Dumb and Dumberer: How Harry Met Lloyd (2003) (was #69)
• Epic Movie (2007) (was #17)
• The FP (2011) 
• The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
• God's Not Dead (2014)
• Higher Power (2018)
• Hollow Man 2 (2006) (was #29)
• I, Frankenstein (2014)
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) (was #70)
• Jaws: The Revenge (1987) (was #98)
• The Last Airbender (2011)
• The Last Sharknado: It's About Time (2018) 
• The Legend of Hercules (2014)
• Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)
• Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003)
• Meet the Spartans (2008) (was #16)
• Ninja Apocalypse (2014)
• Officer Downe (2016)
• The Omega Code (1999) 
• The Omen IV: The Awakening (1991) (was #41)
• Quantum Apocalypse (2010)
• Rabid Grannies (1988)
• Scooby Doo (2002) (was #76)
• Second in Command (2006) (was #50)
• Seeing Double (2003) (was #24)
• Shrooms (2007) (was #61)
• Species III (2004) 
• Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
• Stranded (2013)
• Street Fighter (1994) (was #56)
• Super Mario Brothers (1993) (was #72) 
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time (1993)
• The Toolbox Murders (1978) (was #37)
• The Toolbox Murders (2005) (was #79) 
• War, Inc. (2008) (was #62)
• White Wall (2010)

Days Of The Pandemic (April 2020)

Okay...so...there's some kind of global pandemic going on. Maybe you've heard about it, although I wonder if anybody reading this in the future will remember or have knowledge of the great 2020 COVID-19 outbreak that consumed the whole world and caused mass chaos and confusion. A month ago, it seemed disconcerting, but I never would have believed it would lead to a world-wide call for isolation. Perhaps I had underestimated the virus' dangers, but then it's hard to gauge when half of the media shrugs it off and the other half sounds the doomsday alarm. It's clear now that the danger is great, caution is warranted, and some days in seclusion may be a small price to pay for a better outcome.

For me, it's a surreal experience on account that my workplace had most of its workers stay at home until the pandemic abates. Over the past...what is it now, eleven days? Twenty days? A month? See, it's hard to even remember or count the days I've stayed at home--the days crawl by one after another, each one bleeding into the other until it all becomes a homogeneous blur. There is something to be said about the typical work week--aside from giving goals, a sense of purpose, and productivity, work does make each day count for something and it's easier to keep track of the weeks. It gives stronger divisions between Monday, Tuesday, all the way to Friday. While I may vie for free time every evening and weekend, too much free time has the funny effect of making one wish for more work.

Fortunately, it's not like I'm going insane at home or anything. As an introvert, the pandemic offers an ample time and space for me to take care of things I've wanted and needed to do. Writing is the biggest thing--I don't have to squeeze time in evenings or between engagements, I can take my time in the mornings, at night, or whenever. With Camp NaNoWriMo going on now, I've succeeded in making progress on an old project, at a rate of 2,000 words a day (and that's good progress). And yet, I still have time to watch a ton of movies (including an impromptu marathon of 10 Star Wars movies on 4K discs, plus most of their extra features), play an occasional video game (I've finished the campaigns for Doom: Eternal and Rage so far), reading (I'm halfway through Arthur C. Clarke's Time's Eye right now), television (that Tiger King show is strangely fascinating indeed), and playing with Legos (yes, I do that). All of that, in addition to actual work around the house--I finally took the time to organize some closet space, the bathrooms, and take care of the yard. There's still plenty to do--one day I will clean my garage and re-organize my libraries, but there's seemingly no rush to do so. I do have a substantial amount of media to play, and writing Heathen will make every day feel productive. If I ever feel cooped up, I can always take a walk around the neighborhood (and the weather has been decent lately, despite one or two nights of thunderstorms and some hot days).

All of this is only possible because I have electricity, water, and Internet--the modern conveniences remain up despite the struggles of the larger economy, so we have probably a greater advantage in this age than people have had in previous pandemics. I'm grateful I don't have to go out and hunt for my own food or anything. Chances seem slim it would get to that level (but writing post-apocalyptic fiction might make a person wonder sometimes). In my neck of the woods, I see other families enjoying the same conveniences--I have a feeling the pandemic is rather light in our area. Considering the plight places like New York are suffering from, I am grateful for everything I have.

I remain uneasy though, knowing that the virus could affect me at any moment. Maybe I'll contract it in the future, maybe I already have and don't know it. Maybe I never will. The uncertainty has caused me to wash my hands a lot more frequently and for longer, in addition to just staying the heck home. I also can't help but to wonder how society will evolve from all this (and I have seen it stated repeatedly that pandemics in history have huge repercussions--something to consider for future fantasy stories). Folks are always saying that things will never be the same again--it's hard to see right now whether the future will be any better or worse in reaction to the virus.

For now though, I find myself waking up day after day as if every day is a Saturday. I'll shamble about to make a breakfast (hot, cold, anything goes) and lots of coffee. Write for a few hours. Watch movies. Play a game. Dig through those legos. Clean or fix something. Take a walk. Skype with people. Blog. It's all mundane, and I wonder if this is what it feels like to be retired. None of it is bad, and it's nice to have time to take care of the various wants and needs I have at home. I do have to say though, it will be quite exciting to return to work in another month or so.

Things to do.

Video Game Review: Doom Eternal (2020)

The legend of Doom was revitalized in 2016 with sharp quality and dedicated attention to crafting a fresh gameplay experience for the 21st century. Though the game can be played and enjoyed as a one-off, more was welcomed. Four years later, more was delivered. A lot more.

Doom Eternal plunges the you into a dire future where the forces of Hell have invaded Earth. In the powerful suit of the "Doom Slayer," you embark on a sprawling quest across ruined cities, burning hellscapes, other worlds that seem gothic and ethereal. Your goal is to slay the three Hell Priests that are controlling the invasion on Earth. To do so, you'll have rip and tear your way through myriads of hellish enemies--everything from lowly zombies to ginormous Tyrants. Each level grants you more power in the form of weaponry, abilities, and powerful artifacts. Eventually, you'll become powerful enough to confront more powerful entities responsible for all the chaos, and if you survive, you'll become a savoir for mankind.

The game resembles 1994's Doom II in many ways, most especially in regards to your weapons (the Super Shotgun is back!), the types of enemies you fight (many were seen in 2016's Doom, but the Pain Elementals and Archiviles are back), the plotline that brings Hell to Earth, and having the Icon of Sin as the final boss (and this time, he's not just a wall you shoot at--as originally intended, he's rendered as a colossal giant comparable to Godzilla). And yet, Doom Eternal offers a whole universe of new possibilities. As you progress through each level, you're thrust into a mythology that extends far beyond what was shown in previous games--there is a vast history now that details entire worlds that had waged epic war against demons. The lore extends to pushing a stronger identity on the Doomguy (now immortalized as the Slayer), whose backstory is bridged into the growing mythology.

Against such a detailed backdrop, the game is stuffed with more enemies (including, for the first time, Doom Hunters and Marauders), more power-ups (including a 1-up system, where you collect extra lives and use them upon death instead of restarting at a checkpoint), and more ways of fighting and killing (you now have a shoulder-mounted flamethrower and grenade launcher, and you eventually gain an energy sword that can instantly kill most enemies). Each level includes a small wealth of secrets that'll keep you exploring and revisiting areas for a short while--such secrets include collectables, batteries that unlock secrets in the Doomguy's fortress, extra lives, upgrades, and hidden combat arenas.

Despite all these weapons, secrets, upgrades, and power, the game is hardly a cakewalk. Even seasoned Doom fans have struggled with this one as the game relentlessly plunges you into insane fights with constantly escalating threats. It does require a lot more to stay alive--running and gunning will not be enough, and the game itself offers few hints for your survival. The trick, aside from staying in constant motion, is to manage your enemies in a careful, strategic way. When you run out of ammo (and you will constantly), you must whip out that chainsaw to farm some out of the lesser enemies. If you've blown them up already, then you're just out of luck. If you're always running low on health, maybe it's time to whip out that flamethrower to pick up some armor. When you desperately need health, glory kills are your best friend. These mechanics are essential to staying well-supplied in a fight, but it's easy to overlook, forget, or mess up your progress if you approach the fights wrong or just don't bother with them.

Each level is laid out as a kind of jungle gym--you now have the ability to leap off of monkey bars, dash into walls, and climb things. And you will have to platform this way often, even through hazards and obstacles. This is where the game feels even more tedious and punishing (and I've never been a fan of timed switches--there are at least several in this game). Falling to your death won't take away from your lives (unless you have no health left), but it's still a pain when you miss your mark, overshoot a jump, or make other slight mistakes on account of complex platforming.

If you can manage these few issues, then you will be rewarded with an impressively epic campaign full of satisfying rewards and combat. Given the way the levels are laid out, the mythology, and the sheer power you must use, it's taken on proportions that feels less like a classic shooter and more like a God of War game.

If it's multiplayer you yearn for the most, the game currently offers a simple two-on-one feature. You can either team up with another player and become demons, or you can play the Doom Slayer and fight for your life. Playing a demon takes some substantial getting used to, but the game offers abilities that try to escalate the challenges against the slayer and make it more balanced. Playing any mode will unlock a small wealth of customizable icons, models, and such. In the future, there's supposed to be a feature in which other players can invade your campaign and muck things up.

All of this is rendered in gorgeous video quality, with fluid frame rates and sharp resolution. Lighting effects are vivid, the textures are impressive and sharp, and the models look spectacular. I often had to stop in mid-game to gawk at the hellscapes and ruins--they are that well-rendered. Sound quality is sharp and punchy. Controls felt great to me and were never confusing (even with added platforming). All of it is accentuated with Mick Gordon's heavy metal score--the man assembled a team of metal vocalists especially for this game, and their chants are downright chilling.

This comes close to being my favorite Doom game of the whole series. Fighting Marauders and platforming makes it quite a pain, and the campaign has the distinct disadvantage of starting you off weak to the point where it feels insurmountably hard. I found it a lot easier as it went on, but the game has ways of throwing wrenches in your progress and making you feel like a noob all over again. Regardless, I am awestruck by the experience.

9/10

Film Review: The Dunes (2019)

Imagine how awkward it'd be if a domestic abuse counselor is actually a domestic abuser. Maybe this happens in some places, I wouldn't know. This, however, is the framing premise for The Dunes.

No, it is not a shameless sci-fi knockoff attempting to cash in on Villeneuve's upcoming Dune adaptation. This is a slow-burning thriller in which a counselor named Gerald (Barton Bund) becomes exceptionally paranoid and controlling over his ex-wife (Ann Marie Damman) and her son, who are plotting to run off to the other side of the country with her new boyfriend (Ele Bardha). What's a psychopath like Gerald to do but slowly go insane and try and murder everybody?

I only came across this film because I'm a fan of its music composer--a self-made metal artist named Klayton (aka Celldweller). The ambient electronic score he conjured up for this picture is easily its best feature--whether on its own or married with the melodrama, the music is quite haunting, and even punchy when it needs to be. Unfortunately, music alone doesn't carry a film, no matter how hard it tries.

The film offers a bland (if not outright unlikely) story with a bland presentation, amounting to nothing more than a glorified Lifetime movie. Of the handful of characters that populate this cheap affair, none of them are particularly interesting or likable--it hurts the film the most because it offers zero motivations for their actions and zero reason to care about their relationships. I'm not even clear on who the main character is really supposed to be--the film spends an uncomfortable amount of time on Gerald, whose most defining feature is being a total jerk. The film explores its theme in a listless and muddled way, padding its cast with side characters that contribute little to the story, and following characters through mundane conversations that kill the narrative momentum. It does build up to a reasonably tense climax (surprise, it's on a beach with actual sand-dunes). Even then, the conclusion might elicit an unintentional laugh rather than catharsis.

I feel as though the film wants to be taken seriously--there is gravitas, but it's without credibility. There is an attempt at style and quality, but it's without nuance. With the still and steady photographic composition and occasional punch in the editing, I can't help but to think The Dunes is trying to ape better indie thrillers that have pitted men and women against each other (such as 2018's Revenge or 2017's You Were Never Really Here--heck, 1991's Sleeping With the Enemy is a bigger hoot than this). The Dunes falls way short because its script lacks nuance--this even extends to individual lines bluntly starting the obvious, with no sense of finesse or personality. The film attempts to gloss over its shortcomings by adding edge (and I mean, if you're not immediately shocked by the sharp outbursts of domestic abuse, you will be beat over the head with ample amounts of cursing and senseless rage). There are ultimately characters to root for--your choices are a misogynist villain you want to punch, and a bunch of cardboard cutouts who are victimized.

If the film wants me to pick a side, think about these issues, and feel for them, it offers no avenue to do so. It is simply a slog to watch, and it'd be completely flavorless if it wasn't for Klayton's atmospheric score and the occasional eye-popping cut. Otherwise, it's quite forgettable at best. I'd recommend skipping this movie, but if you like dark, ambient electronic music, check out the soundtrack by all means.

3/10