Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
19: House of the Dead
When talking about the worst filmmaker of all time, the one
and only Uwe Boll, there’s just no avoiding talking about House of the Dead.
Even in this day and age, with Boll pumping out halfway-decent films like Rampage and Postal, everybody will still dismiss his talents and potential
because they’ll remember how bad House of the Dead was. And that’s just as well: House of the Dead is awful! Its story is as
simple and dumb as it could be, lacking in any sense of logic. Characters serve merely as zombie-fodder (and
that’s just as well, because they are stupid).
This production is so cheap, a bunch of kids with a camera in the woods
could have made this movie. But the one
thing I really despise about this specific film is that they’ve inserted video
game footage at random points. Is this
meant to remind us that this movie was based on a game? Good job…now you’ve
ruined any sense of immersion the movie had.
Not that it had much to begin with.
It’s just one of many bad artistic choices made in a bad movie.
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Awful |
Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
18: Starship Troopers 2:
Hero of the Federation
The first Starship Troopers was a blast. Even with its over-the-top cheese, the movie
is satirical, self-conscious, and a whole lot of fun. This sequel seems to throw it all out the
airlock, as it takes on the form of a really bad B-rated horror film. Its connection with the first film is
practically nonexistent, just as any sense of story or characterization is
nonexistent. Even worse, the action is
nonexistent, leaving hardly any redeeming value. Poor filming and special effects do not help
either. Do you want to know more? Check
out ST: Marauder instead; still looks
cheap, but it is at least entertaining.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
17: Epic Movie
I think my gripes for this parody movie are the same as my
gripes for the other parody movies listed above: a poorly-constructed plot built around
lampooning multiple popular films, resulting in a stupid story with bad
characters, all made in poor quality.
Worse yet, the film failed to induce laughter. Or should I say, EPIC FAIL?
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Awful |
Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
16: Meet the Spartans
It seemed as though these movies came out relentlessly, one
after another, like a fierce Persian army.
Spoofing 300 and a billion pop-culture references, this movie sets out
to make fun of every living thing with the ferocity of King Leonidas. While the jokes do manage to eek out a few
chuckles, the film itself is so stupid, it practically becomes an embarrassment
to watch. To say nothing about the cheap
filming and production values.
Entertainment:
Average | Story: Awful |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
15: Alone in the Dark
This is another disaster of a film that Uwe Boll is
well-known for. Just like with his
previous film House of the Dead, this film is as cheap and stupid as they
come. Alone in the Dark tries so hard to entertain; it starts off with a
slick-looking car chase and lots of okay-looking special effects. There are lots of shooting and lots of
monsters and stuff. The problem is, the
film feels too much like a bunch of random scenes cobbled together without any
real narrative or sense of progression; therefore, we got no plot, a weak
story, and bad characters.
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Awful |
Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
14: Ninja’s Creed (Royal Kill)
You’d think that movies about ninjas would be fun and
thrilling, but there’s sadly very little ninja combat in this film. In fact, there’s very little of anything;
very little story, very little characterization, and chances are they had very
little budget. The film plays out as if
a bunch of guys hung around Washington DC and filmed stuff, hoping to make a
story out of it. What story they made
didn’t make much sense, and it’s especially wacky how they cheaply inserted
fantasy art in between scenes to cover up the plot holes.
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
13: Category 7
After a while, all these cheap sci-fi disaster movies tend
to run together. Like every other film
I’ve listed, this one is riddled with stupidity and cheapness. Oh yeah, there are some cool scenes of mass
destruction; if bad special effects are your thing, this film might appeal. For the most part, however, the constant
downpour of bad films has long ago drowned out my interest in these.
Entertainment:
Marginal | Story: Very Poor |
Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
12: The Brink
This B-movie offers the interesting premise, in which Thomas
Edison once invented a contraption that could communicate with the dead. Supernatural killings ensue. Sadly, the film’s execution didn’t hold my
interest well enough; the story is told quite weakly, and the film doesn’t look
very good.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
11: Apocalypse Mercenaries
Well, there are a lot of shootouts and explosions in this
film. It’s a shame that it’s very
poorly-shot, with laughable writing and acting, and cheap-looking sets and
effects. The story itself comes off as a
cheap and cheesy Guns of Navarone rip-off.
Well, you might as well go watch that movie instead, because this one is
all around very weak!
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
10: Vampires: Los
Muertos
This sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires plants Jon Bon
Jovi in as the main hero, in place of James Woods. And…that’s pretty much it; nothing else about
this film stands out at all. Not much
action, not much story, and not much quality.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Very Poor | Resonance: None
--------------------
09: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus
Om nom nom! |
Oh yeah, if anything’s memorable about this tripe, it’ll be
the novel concept of a gargantuan shark fighting against a monstrous
octopus. There are a few surprisingly
epic scenes, as the Mega Shark leaps out of the water and catches a passenger
airliner out of the sky, and goes on to devour the Golden Gate Bridge. But, these scenes are very short. The actual smackdown between the two beasties
is comprised of bad special effects that get repeated over and over again. As far as the rest of the film goes, it
becomes a borefest, filled with characters I couldn’t care less about, made
unwatchable by a camera that just won’t sit still. Of all the bad sci-fi disaster movies out
there, this one takes the cake.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
08: Battle Warrior (Mission Hunter II)
This is a movie about a bunch of burly soldiers going into a
jungle to rescue somebody. Or something
like that. You know, I’d love to say
more about this movie, but I couldn’t see a darn thing in it! Maybe this is a
problem with the cheap and shoddy DVD copy, as everything was dark, as if completely
filmed at the wrong exposure. Even if
you manage to see anything, there’s nothing much to see. There is action, but not much movement in the
story or characters. The film is cheap
and shoddy. And, if you’re expecting to
see Tony Jaa in the mix, don’t bother, since his role is very minor. If you turn the English dubbing on, you will
be blessed with some of the most hilariously bad tracks of all time (featuring
a guy trying very hard to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger).
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Very Poor | Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
07: Murder by Television
That’s right, your TV can kill you! But not through cancer
or melting of the brain, as some might think; this mystery story asserts that
the camera turned into a death-ray of some kind. Yep, it’s that stupid. This oldie is a mystery film, so the
characters spent all their time wandering around, wondering “whodunit?” As a
result, the film is dull and lifeless, save for the hilariously bad moments of
stupidity or cheesiness. Look out for
Bela Lugosi’s performance, which seems every bit as cheesy and laughable as his
role in Dracula. In this day and age, the film is especially loathsome for
stereotyping certain characters.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: Very Low
--------------------
06: Vampires: The
Turning
Yikes, they made yet another sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires! Only this time, it takes place in Thailand, and it throws in
martial arts and biker gangs into the mix.
Sounds fun, right? Sadly, the film came off as dull, with a bad story
and bad craftsmanship. At this point, it
has absolutely nothing to do with Carpenter’s original film. Of course, it’s also totally unmemorable.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
05: Machine Head
It's not a tumor! |
“Let’s stick a lawnmower on somebody’s head! Yeah, that’s a
great movie!” Not. Oh sure, it sounds
like a weird, novel, funny thing to watch, but it’s actually quite boring,
plotless, and lacking in quality.
Entertainment: Poor |
Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
04: I Could Read the Sky
It’s the random mumblings and fragmented memories of some
old fart. The whole film is done in a
weird, trippy style, which I guess is meant to resemble personal memories, so
everything has a hazed, vignette look, and filmed from the main character’s
point-of-view. The problem is, most
shots I recall focus on simple things with very tight angles, so you never
really see many other character or any scenes in full view. Maybe this is done on purpose for that
“memory” effect, but I thought it was a cheap way to string together a
narrative using the bare minimum of footage.
Speaking of narrative, the main character’s monologue runs through the
whole picture, and it is dull! Combined with the weird style and imagery, the
film overall came off as annoying. I
couldn’t even tell you what the plot was, because it’s just too random and
nebulous. Nope, I hate this film, and
can’t see the joy in watching it.
Entertainment: Very
Poor | Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
03: Hard Gun
So, if this is Hard Gun, what constitutes a soft gun? |
If you turn on the English dubbing for this movie, it becomes a comedy so hilarious, it has to be seen to be believed. Without that track, however, the film is just a dull, plotless mess. Once again, don’t go in expecting to see much of Tony Jaa, even though his face is plastered all over the DVD cover. It does have some action and nifty stuntwork, but not enough to maintain interest. The story is all over the place, and even includes scenes that could have been cut out completely. It’s poorly-filmed, poorly-acted, and made very cheaply. The movie even stole all its music from another movie (blatantly using tracks from Eric Serra’s GoldenEye soundtrack).
Entertainment: Very
Poor | Story: Very Poor | Film: Awful | Resonance: None
--------------------
02: Blair Witch Project
Excuse me while I stick my eyeball in the camera... |
And horror fans everywhere are lamenting, wondering why I
would list this revered film near the bottom of my list. Chances are that if I got caught up in the
hype of 1999, and I viewed the movie as “real” found footage, it probably would
have scared the pants off of me. Now
that the cat’s out of the bag, and we all know that this is all staged, the
film struggles to maintain its creepiness.
Without the illusion of reality, the film loses its edge, the way a
William Castle movie loses its edge without the physical gimmicks they used to
pull on the audience. And in the end,
that’s all this movie is: a prank, and
all audiences of 1999 who actually believed in the Blair Witch were
punk’d. Regarding the film itself, I
found it dry and boring, with a plot that never really engaged, and filled with
characters who are completely unlikable.
I especially hated the young woman who just kept screaming and cursing
at the others for minutes on end. And
with the mock-authentic hand-held camerawork, the film is erratic, ugly, and
annoying to watch. In fact, that’s my
final stance on this film: it’s annoying
to watch.
Entertainment: Awful
| Story: Very Poor | Film: Awful | Resonance: Marginal
--------------------
And the #1 worst movie is.....
01: BloodRayne 2: Deliverance
Deliver us from bad filmmaking! |
That’s right, Uwe Boll, the man commonly thought to be the
worst director in the world, directs my least-favorite movie. His first BloodRayne film was a travesty in
itself; a rip-roaring romp of blood n’ guts at times, but poorly paced, and it
bore little semblance to the original video game. In this follow-up, Boll brought the character
to the American west, with surprisingly dull results. There’s hardly any action in this movie, and
without a substantial plot, the movie overall is one boring experience. The film looks like it was filmed by a crew
of drunken monkeys. Acting ranges from
being really dull to being hilariously cheesy.
If there’s any redeeming value to this film, it’d be in Zach Ward’s
amusing performance as the villain, and some very slight sex appeal from
Natassia Malthe. However, picking out
any joy in this film is like panning for gold; you’ll be lucky to find anything
worthwhile. Offering hardly any good
entertainment value, a poor story, and poor craftsmanship, there truly is no
better candidate for the worst movie of all time.
Entertainment: Awful
| Story: Awful | Film: Awful | Resonance: Low
--------------------
So there you have it: 100 films that I loathe. A few of these do have a strong following among film buffs (namely Lost in Translation, L'avventura, and...*sigh*...Blair Witch Project), and others have a strong cult following; I won't deny that cases like these are simply a matter of taste. A lot of what's here are pretty trashy - sometimes with a "so bad it's good" appeal or novelty. I'm sure the majority of you readers will be glad to not make your acquaintance with such films. As for myself, even though it may seem like a tremendous waste of time to sift through so much garbage, I am actually pretty grateful for it. Were it not for all the bad films, the good films would not resonate as strongly as they do. Thank you for reading!
I would need a top 1 million + worst movie list!! Even the ones that were made knowing they are B (or lower than z) movies are so bad that it's a crime to waste time and film creating them. Not to mention our hard earned money renting them or worse buying them. If anything good is to come of these horrific abominations it is to realize that we need to pay attention to reviews and learn the styles and caliber of work associated with directors, writers and producers of movies. Even the teasers on TV are sometimes deceiving and can be presented to make any piece of tripe look attractive. Movies that have been nominated or indeed won awards are not always "good" movies. It is a personal taste issue, and only you will be able to judge if a movie is "good" or "bad". I agree with you in all these movies you've listed and wouldn't spend any of my time or money on them.
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